Vaccines have been around a long time. A small pox vaccine was perfected in 1796. Diphtheria vaccines date back to the 1890’s. Of course, the great Polio vaccine was developed in 1952 by Jonas Salk. We have effective vaccines for rubella, mumps and scarlet fever. Moving into the 21st century we have hundreds of vaccines for the flu, pneumonia, shingles, RSV and the granddaddy of them all, Covid.
We can argue about the effectiveness of the new vaccines. Do they work? Are the side effects more damaging than the malady they are trying to prevent? For example, everyone I know who has had an outbreak of Shingles has taken one or two different Shingles vaccine treatments before contracting the infection.
Clearly the pharmaceutical companies find the vaccination process lucrative. They have made a concerted effort to address thousands of maladies that are particularly troubling to modern humans.
Through the miracle of Artificial Intelligence and computerized medical research, pharma has blessed us with a host of very helpful inoculations in 2025.
Here are a few of my favorites.
The Titleist Optimization Serum (ProV1 maximo smackosino)
This vaccine smooths out the golf swing of high handicap golfers and adds significant distance to the length of their shots. For years, avid golfers have been plagued by high scores as the result of a crummy golf swing. They have invested thousands of dollars on lessons and equipment. They spend countless hours grooving their terrible swings on the practice range. Someone with an average score of 93 who fully dedicates himself or herself to the traditional techniques for six months usually ends up with a scoring average of 96. Studies have found that an annual injection of the Titleist Optimization Serum (TOS) will add 25 yards to tee shots and 15 yards to the irons. TOS has proven to reduce the average golfers eighteen hole score by five strokes.
Side effects include: Hitting putts thirty yards past the hole. An urge to watch every King Kong movie ever produced and a craving for very large bananas.
Instapotential Calmingitus Vaccination (Nofearing kabooming)
Studies show that 78% of Americans have a deep seated fear of exploding pressure cookers. They have heard family stories of great explosions in their ancestors’ kitchens in the 1900s. They believe that the power of these explosions is measured in megatons. They know that the instruments used by their grandmothers explode so well that they are the favorite tool of terrorist bomb makers. The IC vaccine is targeted to the area of the brain that generates this fear and suppresses the anxiety. 87% of the tested recipients showed no reluctance to use the R2D2 look alike sitting on the kitchen counter a few days after inoculation.
Side effects include: A strange fondness for commercial fireworks and a propensity to impress all of your relatives at family picnics by prefacing your actions with “Hey Y’All! Watch this!!”
Overthetop Winatallcosts Compulsion Damper (Sloth Serum)
Most Americans have a heightened sense of competition. Their drive to win at everything is an impediment to a healthy life. They may spend ten hours a week in the gym so that they can annihilate their four year old niece at Hungry Hungry Hippo. A pickle ball contest is treated like an event in the Hunger Games. Many have tried Yoga to assuage the aggressive behavior. Typically, they become disappointed and then, angry if they can’t be the calmest person in the session. An annual shot of the Sloth Serum dramatically decreases the patient’s metabolism resulting in a significant decline in this over the top behavior.
Side effects include falling asleep at hockey games and an urge to sit in a tree and eat leaves on a warm summer day.
Bison Avoidance Serum (Buffalo Begonis)
A highly effective inoculation prevents both the American and European Bison from occupying your living room. The pharmaceutical makers are not certain how this vaccine works. However it has been extremely effective. In fact, for those who have been inoculated, only one instance of Bison Invasion has been reported. The event occurred in a one room cabin near Theodore Roosevelt State Park, in Montana. A Bison cow followed her calf through an open door of the cabin. Apparently the calf was following the scent of mustard greens the trapper was preparing for dinner. In essence, the vaccine has been completely effective in keeping all types of bisons out living rooms around the world.
There are no known side effects to this injection. Because of the incredibly high efficacy of this treatment, the pharmaceutical makers recommend that all 345 million Americans be immunized. The cost is a reasonable $325 per dose. A three step treatment is recommended.
So the vaccine industry is booming. The big pharmaceutical companies are researching and developing products in record time. Artificial intelligence cuts the time to bring a drug to market to 10% of the historical development period. What took years now takes weeks. Of course this is only done to improve the health of men and women all around the world. Certainly billions of dollars of profits are created for big pharma in the process. The drug industry CFO’s tell us that the 100 to 150 billion dollars of net income is needed to sustain development of these great treatments.
They still haven’t cracked cancer and heart disease. But vaccines to mitigate the urge of binge watching featured shows from streaming services are just around the corner.
I really hope they are not working on anything to curb cravings for bacon and fried chicken. If they are, I hope my wife never finds out about it.
I need a dose of TOS. I often leave my putts short anyway, so not too worried about side effects. LOL!