Trying To Make My Friends Laugh

I am really fed up with the news.  Many years ago, we could dial in a news broadcast and actually learn about what was happening in our city, our country or the world.  Those days are long gone.  We still have shows that are called newscasts but they are really political casts.  Why do I want to waste a couple hours in the evening listening to conservatives drone on and on about how bad the liberals are or listen to the liberals tell me how horrendous the conservatives are?  Something happens and both sides pounce on the political implications and beat the story to death. 

Today a major league umpire called a game ending strike on the Detroit Tigers “clean up” hitter that was clearly out of the strike zone! This is a clear threat to our democracy.  This was not a bad call by Honest Abe Smith.  It was an intentional attack against Mighty Casey O’Toole who was once photographed wearing a retro 1960’s “Hubert Humphrey For President” button.

We have video evidence from 27,423 mobile phones of fans attending the game that definitely shows the pitch to possibly be low.  Further research finds that Smith has never been seen in a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream parlor.

The conservative station counters.

This is a sad day in America.  Major League umpire, Honest Abe Smith was viciously attacked for simply doing his job.  Abe has always “called them like he sees them”.  Any implication of bias in the game ending call in the Detroit Tiger contest is ludicrous.  This is a clear threat to the rule of law in our country.  Attacking the “American Pastime” is a slippery slope that could lead to anarchy and communism.  We have indisputable evidence from several thousand cell phones that the pitch was very likely in the strike zone. Smith, a brittle diabetic who never eats ice cream, has been selected to work the past three World Series events because of his incredible umpiring expertise….          

Both political casts then grind on for hours with interviews from expert witnesses supporting their respective political positions.  Why am I listening to this drivel?   

I simply cannot find any news outlet that does not restructure the events of the day to support their political agenda.  So I have decided to write my own news stories.  Sure, they are purely fictional.  However, they are stories that I would like to hear and they are no more fictional than the stuff I read and watch every day.  Here are a few of those stories.

Confirmed encounter with an alien spacecraft.

Today, 30 miles west of Bismark North Dakota we have the first, fully verifiable, encounter with a spacecraft from a planet outside of our solar system.  The visitors landed in an open field and set up for a great picnic lunch.  The leader of the alien team, Bob, invited North Dakotans to meet and greet session. 

Not surprisingly, the technologically advanced visitors had little problem overcoming the language differences.  It appears that the artificial intelligence of the extra terrestrials easily translated the entire discussion into very fluid English.  

Bob said that his planet has been sending visitors to our planet for thousands of years.  Recently their surveillance systems had noted a lot of chatter coming from the earth.  Earth scientists have verified that the visits are actually occurring.  This has led to a lot of speculation about the intentions of the aliens.  Much of the hypothesizing is really off base and he wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.  His group would be staying for four or five hours.  He welcomed film crews and news reporters to the discussions.  There would be a lengthy Q&A to answer any earthling concerns or questions.

Bob explained that his planet, Happy Place, is also located in our galaxy.  They have identified hundreds of thousands of fellow planets that support intelligent life.  The citizens of Happy Place are gregarious, curious, fun loving folks.  So for many years they have set up attractive vacations to a string of life supporting planets, including the planet earth.  Paying patrons are treated to great excursions to fifty or sixty destinations around the Milky Way.  The closest parallel to this, in earthly parlance, is river cruising. 

In the last few decades, earth has become a very popular destination, primarily because of Krispy Kremes.  Often, we keep the visits to varying planets very anonymous.  Trying to explain our presence to underdeveloped beings can cause more trauma than benefit.  Earth, however, has advanced to a point where they can absolutely document our visits.  It was time to explain the nature of these encounters for the safety and benefit of all parties.   

After four and a half hours of conversation and a massive DoorDash delivery from Krispy Kreme, Bob, and his clients departed for their next planetary destination.

Twelve year old invents the perfect fishing lure.

The middle school science project for Mary McDonald in Dothan Alabama was to create a better fishing lure.  Her research included extensive use of artificial intelligence to suggest what sounds, smells, and colors would be most attractive to fresh water bass.  After thirty or forty attempts she came up with the Lunker Lander. 

The lure has a mini circuit that emits both sounds and odors when you activate the device. On the first test in Eufaula Georgia, Mary attached the lure to her bass rod and flipped the on switch.  Before she could cast, three Florida Black Bass jumped into the boat.  Because the device has two sets of treble hooks, most casts result in double hits with one bass on the front treble and a second on the rear treble. 

Mary won first place in the Alabama State Science Fair and she will be entering The National Professional Fishing League this summer.  

The Mayo Clinic Recommends The Optimal Diet for Health Conscious Individuals.

After thirteen years of research with more than 45,000 Americans, the researchers at the Mayo Clinic have made a strong recommendation for their Kansas City Diet Plan.  According to the Mayo dieticians, consuming barbecue three times a week produces the best possible health results of any diets they have tested. 

Lead researcher, Dr. M. T. Stummicks, notes that “Barbecue puts the Mediterranean Diet in short pants.”  The combo plate of ribs and brisket with baked beans and collard greens may be the healthiest meal anyone can consume.  He also recommends augmenting the meal with Texas Toast garlic bread.  To add variety, a second very healthy repast is the pulled pork plate with steakhouse fries.  A key factor in making the meals healthy is a liberal supply of Kansas City Barbecue sauce.  “Everyone knows the nutritional value of tomato based foods. In KC, they have developed a ‘late heat’ aspect to their sauces that is highly addictive.  Clearly, this promotes the usage of an incredibly heathy component of the diet.”

In addition, the study shows that the Kansas City Diet has both nutritional and psychological value.  People just feel better after consuming a perfectly smoked barbecue meal.  When you feel better you live longer and you have more enjoyment in your life.  There is a lot of truth to the phrase you often see on barbecue tee shirts:  “Eat What You Want…. Die Happy!”      

So I am adding these three articles to my “News Stories I Would Like to Hear” archives.  They are at least as accurate as anything that I see on TV or read in the political newspapers.  A key difference is that my articles make me happy when I read them.

I have been following a flawed career path.

I started thinking about career options when I was a teenager.  My parents gave me great motivation and great guidance.  They were helpful and supportive but it was very clear that they expected me first to earn a college degree and second, very soon thereafter, move out. No free ride here.  They would help but I needed to work part time during the school year and full time in the summer to help with my support.

As a high school senior, I secured a minimum wage job filling orders and sweeping floors for a local wholesaler, Ann Arbor Candy and Tobacco.  Initially, the $.95 per hour compensation covered the cost of my burgeoning social life.  I worked enough hours to pay for a few dates and an occasional trip to Crazy Jim’s for a delectable Blimpy burger.  Starting in the fall of my senior year, alcohol consumption became an important part of my life.  The added expense of buying six packs on the black market put a real strain on my minimum wage budget.  It occurred to me that, if I could find a higher paying job, I could much more easily afford beer, wine and a healthy social life. More pay would reduce the number of hours I needed to work.  I would have both the time and money needed to enjoy the sixties lifestyle.  This was real capitalism on a very micro basis. 

A friend was making three times my compensation moving furniture for the local Mayflower agency.  He said that they were really short staffed.  If I showed up at the warehouse the next morning, I would be hired.  So during my college Freshman summer, I changed careers.  Moving furniture did not require a lot of skill.  In fact, the total training I received came from the Mayflower dispatcher when he hired me.  He said “Just work fast and don’t break anything.”  The job did not pay well because it was complex.  It paid well because it was a lot of physical effort and most people either could not do it or did not want to do it. 

At this point, I achieved a lot of my career goals.  I was making plenty of money.  I could easily fund all of my partying and I was tucking away enough money to carry me through the school year.   Unfortunately, I was working a lot of hours.  If you are riding back to Ann Arbor after moving someone to Cincinnati, you can’t be sipping Pabst and dancing to the Temptations.  Capitalism and careers are not perfect.  It is hard to get all of the benefits without some drawbacks. Compromise is required. 

Before long I realized that truck drivers and “helpers” worked the same amount of hours but drivers made a lot more money.  This made sense because one guy was driving the truck back from Cincinnati and other was just keeping him company.  In addition, driving a forty foot high cube semi was a skill set that few people had.  Try driving a twelve foot high, forty foot long trailer around the city streets in Ann Arbor.  In essence, drivers earned the extra pay.  They had unique and valuable skills.  After a year as a highly paid helper, I passed all of the tests required for a Commercial Drivers License and got behind the wheel of a big rig moving van.  Now I was an extremely high paid driver.  A great career move for me. Also a great benefit for Elsifor Moving and Storage.  Moving is a very cyclical business.  Most people relocate in the summer.  I piled up a lot of hours in the summer and it was beneficial to both the moving agency and me to scale back dramatically during the school year.         

Thus far, my career choices were working out very nicely.  I had sufficient time to pursue an Accounting degree from Eastern Michigan’s business school.  I really enjoyed driving a truck and moving furniture.  My robust social life was fully funded.  There was an interesting side benefit to driving the moving van.  When I needed provisions for weekend celebrations, I would pull the van up to the front of my favorite party store and buy all the alcohol the whole gang required.  Although I was nineteen years old, the proprietor of the store assumed that I was much older because I was driving a truck. No one ever checked my ID when I pulled up in a moving van.

After a little reflection, in those formative years, I created a perspective toward working and careers that I have followed for the rest of my life.  I deduced the following:

Compensation is higher for jobs that not everyone can do.

Working competently and diligently is a given.  My first job was sweeping floors.  I had to do it well and be industrious or I would be fired.  Later in life, when I was auditing public companies as a CPA, I had to do it well and be industrious or I would be fired.  Competence and hard work are required in every job.

If you wanted to have a high paying career, you needed to develop very needed skills that few others had.

If you truly enjoyed your job, you would perform better and greatly reduce stress and anxiety in your life.

This philosophy served my wife and I very nicely.  We supported our family, worked in very enjoyable careers for more than four decades and funded a comfortable retirement.

In retrospect, I made the wrong career choice.  I should have been a college football coach. 

Coaching requires a lot of work early in your career.  However, once you garner a head coaching position for a major university, you are set for life.  There are some similarities to my classic career criteria.  Initially, a lot of hard competent work is required.  You have to learn the business and hone winning coaching skills.  A lot of young professionals have accomplished this.  Every fall weekend you can watch a twenty nine to thirty nine year old phenom put his team on the path to a national championship. 

As defensive coordinator, Bubba Einstein helped to engineer the Trine University Thunder into a top twenty five ranking in National Associated  Press coaches poll.  Einstein catches the attention of Eastern Michigan University.  He takes the head coaching reins.  After two years, he moves the Fighting Emu’s to the Mid American League conference champions and earns the nineteenth slot in the National Rankings.  Again, a lot of hard competent work involved to this point.  Bubba is now hired by Rutgers to restore the glory of the early 1900’s to the school’s storied football program.  Bubba goes ten and two in his first season and is offered a five year, $50 million, contract to continue coaching the Scarlet Knights.

At 37 years of age, Bubba has totally locked up career success for the rest of his life.

Here is where the head coaching career path differs from my classic career criteria.  The classic path requires continued expert performance.  If you can’t deliver great value, you will lose your high paying job.  Companies or clients will not pay for mediocre performance.  If you have a head coaching contract with a major University, you are impervious to financial peril, whether or not you perform at a high level.

If Rutgers goes two and ten next year, Bubba still makes $10 million.  If Rutgers fires Einstein, he gets the $10 million for another four years.  He doesn’t have to work and Rutgers is going to pay him $40 million.  What a marvelous career benefit!   This happens all the time in college football.  Penn State fires their football coach and he will get roughly $50 million if he never coaches again.  LSU is committed to paying two fired coaches approximately $140 million, whether or not they ever coach again.

What a great career option.  Work hard and smart until you are 38 years old.  Get the big, long term, contract.  After signing the long term contract, work at whatever pace you like.  If your lucky, they will fire you and you will get a pile without having to do anything.  Following the classic career criteria, I worked thirty years longer than coach Einstein for substantially less compensation.  The coach’s IRA has to be a lot bigger than mine. 

So I am recommending to all my friends, become head football coaches for a major University.  I truly believe that this is a career open to anyone who wants to pursue it.  College football is very results oriented and it is a very learnable skill.  If you can prove that you can win.  Man, women, old, young, they will want you.

Do everything required to get the multi year contract.  If you really like coaching, continue working hard and smart for as long as you wish.  The $10 million per year can continue indefinitely.  If you are tired of the coaching grind, ease off and get yourself fired.  You walk away with tens of millions and you never have to work again.  Many people have achieved this objective before their 40^th birthday.   Now that is a successful career.

I have always been very thoughtful and thorough in analyzing my career opportunities.  Somehow, I over looked the incredible advantages that come with coaching a major University’s football team. 

As we say on the grid iron.  When the long term contract is signed, it’s GAME OVER.  Take a knee and run out the clock.

A while ago, I decided to treat the family to a delicious hamburger feast at my favorite fast food restaurant.  These guys have great burgers and you could make them as small or big as you wanted.  Depending upon my disposition and morning scale reading, I would order anything from a single cheeseburger to a double or even triple cheeseburger.  If I had been logging a lot of miles on the bike, I occasionally would order the triple cheeseburger (three quarter pounds of beef) and extra large fries.  One of this chain’s selling points was offering totally individualized products.  You could have just the combination of toppings and side dishes that you wanted. Everything uniquely constructed for each customer.  After receiving our order in the drive through, I pulled forward and asked my son Pete to check the bag to ensure the order is correct.  Upon inspection, he said the double cheeseburger I ordered with ketchup, onions and mayo came fully loaded with all toppings.  Good news is they gave us an extra order of fries.

I said, “This will take a minute.  I’m going to talk to the Manager.”  I parked.  Pete and my daughter Katie sensed that this was going to be a conversation they did not want miss.  So the three of us trundled inside to speak with the Chief of Operations.

The Manager politely agreed to see us.  He asked if there was a problem.  I said:

“No, quite the contrary.  Does March  27, 2016 mean anything to you?  That was the first time I came to your fine establishment and ordered a meal at the Drive Thru.  I asked for a single cheeseburger meal with ketchup, onions and mayonnaise and a vanilla shake.  You served a double cheeseburger with everything and a chocolate shake.  That was three years and two months ago.  Since then, I have returned to your restaurant thirty seven times and on all thirty seven occasions the food we received has been different than the food we ordered.  Today you changed the toppings and gave us an extra order of fries.  Rarely in modern America does anyone perform with such incredible consistency.  Thirty seven out of thirty seven covering more than a three year span. This is marvelous.  Your reliability is an inspiration to us all.”       

I gave the Manager a firm handshake and a warm smile.  Needless to say he was speechless.  I encouraged him to keep up the good work and we left.

This is a great example of something that is wrong in America.  The brilliant marketing managers at Acme Burgers come up with a strategy that will differentiate them from the “one size fits all” burger outlets.  The Chief Marketing Officer decides to tailor the products to the unique taste of each customer.  The Chief Financial Officer, however, squeezes the pennies.  “It is great to offer a lot of options to our customers but we can’t afford to add staff to ensure that the orders are correct.  If we do, the golden arch guys will eat our lunch because they don’t need more staff for their rubber stamp, all identical, burger menu.  Acme is a huge and successful company.  They know that there is a high failure rate in the tailoring process.  They also know that most of us in America are accustomed to not getting exactly what we order.  So they believe that our expectations are so low that we will anticipate a lot of errors and come back anyway.  Not delivering is, actually, a calculated corporate strategy made at the most senior level of the company.

We deserve better.

This is just one of many examples where consumers lower their expectations to accommodate intentionally shoddy performance by retailers.  One of the biggest brick and mortar pharmacies puts Acme Burgers in short pants.  Medicine For The Masses has an establishment on every other block of every city in America.  Senior management has created a corporate vision of happy customers breezing through checkout by pushing a few buttons in a sales kiosk. When one of the happy patrons buys something, they are provided with a long list of attractive discounts that AI has assembled for them based on their shopping history.  The discounts will bring them back and the kiosks are designed to make the customers perform all of the sales activities.  A great concept that requires really great systems and software.  I can see myself seated at the board room when the following conversation takes place. 

The Chief Marketing Officer says, “We have a brief window of opportunity to switch all of our point of sale functions to customer controlled kiosks.  They can easily execute all of the sales functions.  We can tailor discounts and special offers to their buying history”.  The Chief Financial Officer chimes in “This is great because we can dramatically reduce our sales and support staff by passing over all of the data entry and checkout functions to our customers”.  The Chief Information Officer notes “This is a fabulous idea.  We need to double the IT budget and we can have this functionality in place in three years”.  The room gets quiet.  The Chief Marketing Officer says to the CIO, “Fred, we can’t wait three years.  We need this in four months.  That kind of performance by IT cost your predecessor, Bob, his job.  When we hired you last June we expected a better response on these types of projects.”  So the whole group decides that they can go ahead with the four month project.  Sure there will be problems but all IT projects have problems.  Good news is that our customers live in America and have very low performance expectations for point of sale systems.

So what really happens when I go to Medicine For The Masses.  I want to pick up two prescriptions and buy some shaving cream with a “half off” coupon.  I stop at the pharmacy first.  There is no longer a clerk at the check out counter.  There is a kiosk.  The clerk used to ask for my last name and date of birth. When I provide five seconds of information, I have my prescriptions.  With the marvelous new kiosks, I have to manually input full name, date of birth, and phone number.  It asks a security question.  “What is the complete American Kennel Club name of your third dog and what is the breed.”  Strangely, I don’t have all of the information.  The pharmacist senses that we have a problem and offers to help.  In the past, this was done by the pick up clerk but they don’t have anyone in that position any longer.  The pharmacist can’t make it work either so he goes back to his terminal and finds a way to execute the transaction.  I’m not happy with the wonderful new process and the pharmacist is really unhappy. Now I go to the front of the store to a different kiosk.  I continue to perform all of the sales functions on a totally different terminal.  Good news is the only information I need to input is my phone number.  The system recognizes my account and tells me to scan my items.  Next step, scan my coupon and insert it into the machine.  The terminal says that the coupon is not valid for this account.  In addition, the terminal ate my coupon before sending me this message.  I push the help button.  The only person available to help is the store manager.  She says she is sorry that I am having problems but she can make it work.  After fifteen minutes she can’t make it work either.  She voids the transaction and goes to the Manager Only terminal and rings everything up and manually rings up the appropriate discount.

So what has just happened?  I wasted twenty five minutes for two simple transactions.  It required eight minutes of time from the pharmacist and fifteen minutes of time from the store manager.  Their compensation is slightly higher than the pick up clerk and the cashier that were let go. 

I am not happy and the pharmacist and store manager are really unhappy.  If you are going to “go live” with sophisticated systems, they should actually work.  Eventually, the terrible performance by the kiosks will filter back to the senior management team of Medicine For The Masses.  Being the new guy on the block, CIO Fred, will be blamed for non delivery even though he properly sized up the effort as a three year project to begin with.  Fred will, unfairly, lose his job.  In essence, nobody is happy.

We deserve better.        

It seems like much of my life is wrapped up in accommodating really crummy solutions that soak up way too much of my time.  A few well thought out and well executed technological solutions really work very nicely.  However, this is far less than the norm.  Big corporations get away with shoddy service because they believe we all see the world as Tony Hillerman describes in his autobiography, “Seldom Disappointed”.  In essence, Tony says that the best way to avoid disappointment is to lower your expectations.  If you don’t expect good service, you won’t be disappointed when you don’t get it.

I think we deserve better.  When I see a situation where I am getting poor service that I don’t deserve, I am changing vendors. So I am changing pharmacies.  I am moving to The Other Apothecary On The Block, Inc.  I hope it is better but if not, I will find someone else.

I tried to do this with Acme Burgers.  However, I cave to my craving for a double cheeseburger with ketchup, onions and mayo, at least twice a year. Far less than my previous weekly habit. Last week I went through the Drive Thru and ordered my unique favorite. I got a double hamburger (no cheese) with mustard.  Amazingly, the streak is still intact.  That was the fifty third consecutive visit resulting in a delivery error. 

53 and 0!  You have to love that level of consistency! 

We deserve better.

Many years ago, my mother would periodically notify the family that we needed to get the house organized.  We lived in Michigan and very often this coincided with a change of seasons. If we were moving from summer to fall, we needed to pack up the shorts and swimsuits.  Put up the baseball gear and drag out the football, sweatshirts and jackets.  We stowed the barbecue equipment and winterized the screened in porch and outdoor faucets.  When Thanksgiving was near, we needed to prepare for the winter holidays.  Drag out the Christmas stuff, ice skates, hockey equipment, sleds and toboggins.  The grandaddy of them all was “Spring Cleaning”. The first day the temperature reached sixty five degrees in March we needed to clean the entire house, inside and out and reorganize everything we owned. 

During these transitions it was obvious that I always fell below my mother’s bar for household organization. 

I stored most of my sports gear in a closet under the steps.  It would take several hours to move from one season to another because all the stuff was piled haphazardly in the closet.  What kind of stuff?  A full set of goalie pads and a full set of skater’s pads for hockey, including the extremely important cup.  Fifteen or twenty pucks.  A complete set of equipment for a baseball catcher, two fielder’s gloves (one for baseball and one for softball) and a trapper just in case I ever played first base.  There was a badminton net, four rackets and two different canisters of “birdies” (one feathers and one plastics).  Four baseball bats, including a homemade lead bat for warming up in the ondeck circle and a massive thirty six inch, ten pound, Louisville Slugger in case Man Mountain Dean showed up for a pickup game. 

Organizing a three foot by seven foot, under stair, closet is an art not a science.  It is very easy to comingle the catcher’s gear with the goalie equipment. Four times a year I would segregate everything by season and by sport.  To keep mom happy, I would toss out an entire shoebox full of unnecessary stuff.  Maybe a couple chewed up hockey pucks, a few golf balls with slices in them and a cracked frisbee. The rest, I would arrange in four piles based on the seasons.  If it was March, the spring stuff went in the front of the closet followed by the summer stuff.  The football, kicking tee, shoulder pads, and helmet went behind the summer stuff and all of the winter sports gear was jammed in the very back of the closet. 

The organization would last less than a week. When I went looking for my Ken Roswell wood tennis racket and a sleeve of Wilson tennis balls, order was destroyed.  If someone called to say; “We are playing hockey this afternoon at West Park and you are in goal”, I would dive into the closet to dig out all of the equipment.  After twenty minutes of diligent searching, I can’t find the Terry Sawchuck catching glove so I substitute the rarely used first baseman’s glove that I located fifteen minutes earlier.  Fortunately, I found the most prized piece of hockey equipment, the cup, very early in the search.                  

So early on, it was clear that my mother and I viewed organization differently.  To her, being organized meant getting rid of things that you did not use very often.  To me, it meant putting all of the great stuff that you may use every year or two in a convenient place so you can find it when you need it.  During the transitions, mom would unload all of the things we had not used for a year.  I would be searching for a place to store a left handed five iron, left handed three wood and dual sided putter in case my cousin, Dave “Lefty” Donnelly, came to visit from Indianapolis and wanted to play golf. 

In addition, in my view of organization, if something is “really cool”, regardless of whether or not you ever used it, you should keep it.

It doesn’t take long to recognize the likely results of both perspectives.  After I moved out fifty eight years ago my mom’s house became a lot more simplified and organized.  Because I decided to keep “really cool things” like my extensive Lionel Train collection and every metal truck I had been given for Christmas since 1951, my house is a little cluttered.

Organizing is an interesting and important part of life.  It is entirely based on perspective.  For my mom, if she had not used something in a year, it was gone.  Her perspective was that unused stuff interfered with living.  She may be right.  When you are going through your closets, if your point of view is “Do I ever wear this thing or use this thing?”, it becomes very easy to toss it out.  What remains is stuff you really use.  It is easy to find when you need it and you can safely walk around in your closet.  Occasionally, I can put myself in that mind set. 

However, I view organization differently. 

For example, I used to smoke cigars.  Many years ago, I quit but I still enjoy a fine Macanudo on very special occasions.  I always light one up a day or two after Michigan’s football team beats the dreaded Buckeyes.  Many years ago, my wife gave me a fine teak humidor. It has a small brass plaque on top engraved with my initials. Clearly, it is one of the coolest things I have ever owned.  From my mother’s point of view, I should have tossed the wood box fifteen years ago.  My perspective is that the humidor is very cool and I am likely to use it now and then.  In 2023, I bought three Macanudos. I bought one for the OSU victory and another to fire up if we won the Big Ten championship.  The third one was for celebrating the National Championship if we were fortunate enough to make it that far.  Over the span of five weeks, we hit all of those magical goals.  Because I was shrewd enough to save the beloved humidor, I kept the last cigar soft and fresh for all of that time.  In addition, I was able to light all three of them with a classic 1960’s Zippo lighter with a block M on the side that I have been keeping for more than fifty five years. 

So my perspective for tossing something out is “Is it cool?” and “Will I enjoy using it again?”. 

Mom and I can sort through the same closet and easily make solid decisions based on our different perspectives.  The difference is her toss out pile is a lot bigger than mine.  She will be happy that she can find her new winter coat.  I am happy that I can wear my “Last Game at Tiger Stadium Hat”, that I bought at the game in 1999, to the season opener in April 2026.  Keep or toss?  It’s black and white for both of us.  I end up with a lot more stuff but I use almost all of it.  It may take a few years but I am ready when the need arises.    

I am sticking with my view of organization.  I truly am happy that I have saved so much “really cool stuff”.  So is the storage locker company.  

Author’s note: This posting is not targeted to making my friends laugh.  It is my rant against the NCAA’s handling of the Name, Image and Likeness program.  However, some may find it funny that I am upset at the NCAA and others may find it funny that the NCAA is doing their best impression of the three stooges.  So there is a decent chance that this posting will make my friends laugh anyway.  All of the statistics in this article have come from reliable sources and I believe they are very accurate.  MJS.     

A few years ago, the Name Image and Likeness solution was created by the NCAA to provide the legal right for college athletes to profit from their fame.  They were required to implement such a program because they lost a class action suit undertaken by college athletes.  The NCAA’s design and implementation of NIL may have been the worst business deal since the native Americans sold Manhattan Island to the European settlers for $24.

Whether or not you believe college athletes should be paid is not the issue.  They must be paid because they won the lawsuit.  However, the solution designed by the NCAA brings chaos to college sports, destroys fair competition among the 364 Division One schools and opens the door for savvy businessmen, totally unrelated to the Universities, to plunder sports revenues.

Let’s look at what has happened and what is likely to happen.  Most of the following statistics  come from NIL-NCAA.com.

Compensation to the athletes.  91% of the NIL payouts go to the football and men’s basketball programs.  Average compensation to basketball players is $218,611. Average compensation to football players is $146,151. Men’s hockey ranks third and the average compensation drops to $21,262.  If you are on the rowing team you reap a robust $315.  That money is not spread evenly over the athletes in each sport.  When Michigan’s Bryce Underwood receives $12.5 million, the 105^th compensated player on the team, perhaps the third string holder for field goal attempts, is getting a lot less. Maybe, he could make more on the rowing team. Suffice to say, less than 50 of Michigan’s 1,100 varsity players have real significant compensation from the NIL distributions. 

How has this changed the game?  The athlete’s primary focus is on who will pay them the most money.  The NCAA has created the world’s largest “pick up” game. You throw all the players into the pot every year and pick new teams.  This is costing me a lot of money in team jersey’s.  My Harbaugh jersey was good for four years.  Underwood is only 18 years old and he has had an LSU jersey and a Michigan jersey.  If he gets a better offer from Oklahoma State next year, I am going to have to buy a new quarterback jersey.  I may switch to TBA for the name and $ for the number.

Sadly, from the players perspective, the NCAA changes have really diminished allegiance to the school the athlete represents.  If you’re an athlete, representing the school is far less important than optimizing next year’s NIL contract.  When you have good year, you look forward to returning to the player pool for next year and making more money.  World class agents will help you through the entire process.

How has the NCAA NIL program destroyed competition?  The Power Four conferences (SEC, ACC, Big 10 and Big 12) will payout $20.5 million in NIL money.  These conferences comprise 68 of the 364 college sports programs in the NCAA.  The Group of Six conferences (Pac 12, Mountain West, American, Sun Belt, Mid-American, Conference USA) will payout an average of $3.23 million.  $20.5 million vs $3.2 million.  Who can buy the most and best players at the annual player auction?  It’ going to be really difficult for James Madison and other Group of Six teams to compete with the big boys anymore.

So we narrowed the pool that can realistically compete for a national championship to 68 Power Four teams. 

Within the Power Four Group, the NCAA NIL solution further limits competition.  Let’s say that  Vanderbilt’s pedestrian quarterback blossoms, in his sophomore year, to one of the best QB’s in the country.  He is motivated to enter the annual player pool to move to a top tier Power Four school.   He is likely to make a lot more endorsement and service money as the number one player at Alabama than he would at Vandy.  So the top half of the Power Four waits for the bottom half to develop great players and the elite schools pick off the outstanding talent. In football, the scale is really tipped to benefit 20 to 30 “elites”.              

The NCAA has changed college sports from an amateur enterprise to a professional enterprise for it’s 364 members.  Unfortunately, they did a lousy job of setting the terms and structure for the new Association.  They opened up paying for players but they did nothing to ensure a level  playing field .  All of the classic professional sports (NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL) have rules regarding team salary caps and player contracts.  These rules block the rich franchises from garnering the most talented players and they ensure that players under contract will stay with a team for a reasonable period of time.  The NCAA did none of this.  If someone pays their quarterback $10 million this year and someone else offers him $15 million next year, he is gone.

The world’s richest man offers Bryce Underwood $10 million to go to Michigan as a present to his new bride.  If Bryce has a great year and a different millionaire comes up with more money to play for Acme University, Bryce can leave.  If Bryce only has a decent year, he will probably stay at Michigan because no one wants to pay him more money.

The guys who pay the most money are going to win the championships.  Half the teams in the Power Four don’t stand a chance and there is no hope for anyone outside the Power Four.        

An interesting change in competition is well documented in the football bowl games each year.  In the past, I really looked forward to bowl season.  Based on the stature of the bowl game and the payout to the two competing teams, most games were played by evenly matched competitors.  A lot of great intersectional contests.  Both teams welcomed the opportunity to stretch out six more weeks of practice and improvement.  Barring injury, the entire squad that finished the regular season played in the bowl.  In the NIL environment, bowl games for anyone not in the playoffs are feeble exhibition events.  A great example is the Florida State fiasco of 2023.  FSU was undefeated and justifiably complained that they should have been in the four team playoff.  More than half of their starters and more than 20 players sat out the Orange Bowl game.  The second and third team players were trounced by Georgia with a final score of 63 to 3. 

Under NIL, if your team is not in the (now) 12 team playoff, a high percentage of your players don’t participate in a bowl game.  Those heading to the NFL draft sit out the contest because they do not want to risk a last minute injury.  Those entering the portal to make themselves eligible for next years auction bail out as well.  In essence, the bowl team is nothing like the regular season team.  What should have been an interesting game between LSU and Iowa becomes an exhibition game, even less interesting than the inter squad spring game.  I love my Wolverines and I have been to a lot of bowl games in the past.  I am not disrupting my holidays to pay top hotel prices and $350 for tickets to see a practice game.  Neither side is fielding a team of players who will see much action next fall.  If 20 first and second teamers bail, I won’t bother watching the game on TV.  The non playoff  bowls have to be feeling the effects of hosting exhibition games.  In 2024, the attendance at the bowl game in venerable Fenway Park was less than 15,000.  That’s an embarrassing number for mediocre high school game in Texas.

Bottom line.  Before the first kick off in late August, less than 34 teams have an opportunity to play for the national championship.  All of the other teams are “farm” teams.  They bubble up talent for the elites.  

What about the money?  NIL has definitely moved college football and basketball to professional sport status.  Before NIL, the athletic departments of the 364 schools were the primary beneficiaries of the dollars generated by their athletic programs.  Dollars were shuffled off to the conference management staff and the NCAA but the model sent the residuals back to the schools’ athletic departments. 

With the wide open rules established by the NCAA, a lot of additional businesses have their fingers in the pot.  When you set aside $2.2 billion every year for distribution to the players and establish few rules for endorsement and service compensation, you have created a vast new industry.  So we have player agents, advertising and promotional firms, and the NCAA itself seeking a share of the largesse.  At this point, most of the financing for the new industry comes from the University Athletic Departments.  They are paying $1.7 billion to the players.  In 2024, operating losses for the Power Four Group averaged $58.4 million per school.  These losses were offset by contributions, school support and student fees.  However, with the advent of NIL, a lot of schools were scrambling to recover the increased operating costs.  The conference realignments were very much the result of seeking to establish the most attractive offering for TV rights in order to recover some of the operating losses.

No doubt the business model has changed.  College football and basketball are professional sports and they have shifted from “not for profit” to capitalistic enterprises.  There are indicators that there is a lot of room for improvement of revenues if the pool of participating teams is narrowed.  Let’s assume that college football is at least as popular as professional football.  The current Big Ten media distribution is $75 million per school.  The current NFL media distribution is $433 million per team.  We can expect the successful businessmen at the top 34 teams to kick up future media distributions FOR THE TOP 34 TEAMS. 

We already have strong evidence that successful business people see the fantastic opportunity for professional college football.  A private equity firm that manages the University of California’s retirement fund has offered the Big Ten a $2.4 billion private equity deal to share in the future profitability of the conference’s athletic program.  No doubt the business driver here is optimizing media revenues at a lot more than $75 million.  Cal State’s retirement program wants to buy the Big Ten.  Since the NCAA has made the athletic programs for their 364 members professional sports, we can expect a lot more equity offerings.

So what has the NCAA design of NIL done for us? 

It has transitioned amateur college athletics into professional sports.  Only a few of the NCAA member schools will have an opportunity to win national championships in football and basketball.  Every year, we will toss most of the college athletes into a big pool and they will end up playing for the highest bidder.  Perhaps, the importance of a great college education for athletes has been waning for a long time.  The NCAA has put a stake in the heart of school allegiance and the goal of a great education for most students.       

Schools have the increased burden to fund the athletic programs.  Financial and, very quickly, operational control of the programs are shifting to private, for profit, enterprises totally unrelated to the conferences or Universities and solely driven to maximizing the bottom line.

Where will we be in a few years? 

There will be a small number of teams competing for national championships in football and basketball.  I can see an elite league with the top eight teams in the current Power Four conferences.  We could have the SEC Division, Big 12 Division, ACC Division and Big Ten Division.  They won’t play any other teams.  They will be stand alone professional football and basketball leagues. Very likely, when the real businessmen takeover, the ludicrous practice of no compensation caps, annual bidding for players, and portals will be abandoned to enhance competition and make it more difficult to simply buy the best team 

They will play in the home stadium of the their sponsoring schools.  The sponsoring schools will share in the total profits of their affiliated teams but the equity owners will perform all of the management and business functions.

Since we have started down this road, I am no longer referring to Michigan’s football or basketball teams as “The University of Michigan”.  It is simply “Michigan”.         

What happens to the remaining 332 NCAA schools?

Ideally, they will vote to scrap the NCAA and form a rational organization that actually acts on behalf of their members.  They can set new rules for college sports.  Hey, we may even see a return to amateur college sports with modest compensation to varsity players that are primarily interested in a great college education at the University of their choice.

I’d love to see the NCAA Nil and Void.

Last spring, John Ball, Steve Nauman and I thought it would be a great idea to enjoy a college football game and tailgate in Michigan on beautiful fall day.  For more than twenty years, my Jacksonville friends would make the trek to Ann Arbor to watch the Michigan Wolverines play somebody.  The game was buffered on each side with the World’s Greatest Tailgate.  However, with the advent of Nil and Portals, U of M games can no longer be considered “college football”.  It is some bastardized form of professional football.  Still great to be a Michigan Wolverine but it isn’t an amateur college competition by any measure.

So in 2025, we have procured thirty five yard line seats to see a great Mid America Conference game in Ypsilanti Michigan.  The fighting Emus from Eastern Michigan University take on the vaunted Northern Illinois Huskies.  These are bonified college teams.

When I reviewed the ticket options, I could buy six individual tickets for $150 or fifteen group tickets for $120.  Any seats in any section.  With my accounting major at Eastern, five years Big Eight accounting experience, CPA certificate, and several Controllerships for public companies, I determined that $120 for fifteen seats of our choice is better than $150 for six seats of our choice.

I closed the deal and sent an email to the World’s Greatest Tailgate team.  Since 1966 the WGTs have been hosting events, primarily at the Big House.  Occasionally, we would take the tailgate on the road. 

In the email, I noted that we have nine seats, available at no charge, for anyone who would like to join us for the Eastern Michigan – Northern Illinois football game.  In fact, if more than nine participants wanted to join us, I will buy those tickets as well. The game will be Saturday, October 11.  We are planning a full throated, World’s Greatest Tailgater event for the Emu -Huskie tilt.  There is free Tailgate parking across the street from the stadium.  The WGT’s can consider this a road trip (albeit it is only 7 miles from our traditional Ann Arbor venue) where neither team is actually the Michigan Wolverines (but both combatants are real college amateur teams) and there are absolutely no traffic and no parking challenges.  For anyone who accepts the offer, the ticket cost is zero.  Hard to believe that a deal this good would ever happen! 

How does spending Saturday at an Eastern Michigan football game compare to a Michigan contest.  Well, it is a little less expensive.  My thirty one yard line seats at Michigan are $325 each.  My thirty five yard line seats at Eastern are $9.  If you buy the fifteen seat group package at Eastern, they will flash your group picture on the Jumbotron with a message that says “The World’s Greatest Tailgaters.  We are professionals, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.” Tailgate parking in Ann Arbor is $90 a car and in Ypsilanti it is -0-.  How about convenience?  For Michigan games, it is a half mile walk to the stadium from the tailgate.  At Eastern it is 100 yards.  “Easy in and easy out” is a myth in Ann Arbor and real in Ypsi.

More importantly, Eastern players are predominately amateur college players that enjoy the game and are thrilled with scholarships that pay for their college education.  Most of them will play four years for the fighting EMU’s.  When I follow a top twenty NIL team, I have to buy a new starting quarterback jersey every year.

The Eastern game day experience takes me back fifty five years.  I am going to an amateur college game.  The biggest outlay will be for the brats and the beer at the tailgate.  The primary goal is having a great time on a spectacular fall day.  I hope I can find a toss away charcoal grill at the dollar store for less than five dollars.  Grilling the brats and burgers on the toss away is a perfect throw back to the incredible early days of tailgating.  If the Emu amateurs beat the Huskie amateurs, it will be a perfect day.          

So let me know if you can join us.  If more than 9 fans decide to come, I’ll get some more tickets.

GO YOU HAIRY EMUS!!

Kingfish         

The Michigan football program has always had great stadium announcers.  For the past 75years, there have only been three public address announcers and they are all legendary.  Carl Grapentine has been holding down the job since 2005.  He was already serving as the Michigan Marching Band announcer and expanded his services to include stadium announcer in 2005.  Carl’s great voice and delivery have been making game day special for two decades.  Perhaps the only voice more distinct and recognizable to current Michigan fans is that of James Earl Jones.  Howard King preceded Carl in the Public Address booth.  Another great resonating voice in the stadium on Saturday afternoons.  Howard served from 1972 to 2004. 

Michigan football is steeped in tradition.  We have the winged helmet, the M Club Banner, the Victors, Varsity and a pregame band ritual which may not have changed since the days of Fielding Yost.  A great part of that tradition was started by Steve Filipiak, the Big House PA announcer from 1950 to 1971.    

Technology was a little different in the 1950’s than it is in today’s mobile phone and Jumbotron environment.  For example, the 1957 Michigan scoreboard did not provide a lot of information.  You could see what quarter we were in, the time remaining, who had possession of the ball, the score for Michigan and the score for “Visitors’.  You could also see the down and yards to go for a first down.  That’s it.  Any other information, key stats, play makers, and the scores of other ball games came from the PA announcer. 

In the fifties, almost all games started at 1:00 PM local time.  Steve did his best to keep the Big House fans updated on the other contests underway in the Big Ten and a few games that had national interest.  This was not easy.  The scores were all provided by a wire service via ticker tape.  In the Michigan press box, the ticker tape machine was three floors below the broadcast deck.  So, to get updates of the scores on the ticker, Steve would send his son Jim on frequent trips to the ticker tape room.  Jim would tear off the most recent printings and run them back up to his dad.  Jim did a little editing.  He would read the tape to identify ones he thought would be of interest to his dad, tear the current prints from the machine and run them back up three flights of stairs.  He would give his dad a “heads up” on ones his father may want to announce.

One day in 1959, the last score on the tape was for a Slippery Rock game.  Jim chuckled and showed it to his father.  Steve said, let’s announce it and see what happens.  Right out of the blocks it was a hit.  The fans were initially a little stunned and then they began to cheer.  Who wouldn’t pull for Slippery Rock?  The rest is history.  One of the hallmarks of Steve’s broadcasts for the remainder of his career was announcing the “Rock’s” scores.  Steve was a master of creating anticipation in the crowd.  If the game was a nail biter, he may dramatically relay the seesaw score two or three times in the course of the afternoon.  For a one sided contest, he may wait until well into the third quarter to give the score.  You could usually sense it was coming because Steve would say something like here is another score and dramatically pause.  Over the years, Michigan fans understood the big rivalry for Slippery Rock was Shippensburg State Teachers College.  A highlight of the afternoon would be Steve announcing a Slippery Rock victory over the dreaded Shippensburg Raiders.  There was always a collective groan when the “Rock” was on the short end of the score.

The tradition has been suspended from time to time.  When Fritz Crisler was the Athletic Director, he thought announcing the Slippery Rock score lacked decorum and suspended the practice.  According to Jim Filipiak, when Don Canham took the AD reins, he interviewed Steve.  Don said that he always enjoyed Steves PA work and he hoped Steve would continue doing the job under the Canham regime.  Steve asked about reinstating the Slippery Rock announcements.  Don said he loved that and he absolutely wanted it back in the program. 

Canham did love the Slippery Rock tradition.  In 1979 he invited Slippery Rock and Shippensburg State Teachers College to play their annual rivalry game in Michigan Stadium.  The game drew more than 61,000 fans, which was the largest attendance at any Division II football game through 2020.  Slippery Rock also played in the Big House in 1981 and 2014.  Sadly, they have never claimed a victory in Ann Arbor. 

So a great Michigan football tradition was started by fate and a sharp eyed young boy helping out his dad on a football Saturday in 1959. 

Strangely, a few years ago, my wife and I were cruising from Ann Arbor to Lancaster PA.  I noticed a freeway exit sign that said “Slippery Rock Next Exit”.  Susan noticed it first and demanded I take the next exit.  “We are going to the book store to load up Slippery Rock stuff!”  We bought tee shirts, hats and sweatshirts.  I asked the book store manager if she knew how the relationship between the Wolverines and the Rock got started?  She replied that she had no idea how it started but she was very pleased that it did and was very thankful for the friendship.  She said she attended the 1979 contest and it was a truly spectacular experience. 

I relayed the Jim and Steve Filipiak story.  We were both very happy to know that fate, ticker tape technology, and a boy helping his father had such a beneficial impact on each of our football programs.               

When we were growing up in Ann Arbor, it was pretty clear that our parents had faced different challenges in their youth than we were experiencing.  They were in their teens and twenties when the great depression hit.  It made a big impression on them and changed their perspective on life forever.  These were brave, hard driving and very principled people.  However, when some shaky news about the economy hit the nightly news, you could always sense a fear and foreboding creeping into their life.  To us it was a foolish over reaction.  Life was great.  We would hit a few speed bumps but nothing could stop the great juggernaut of the American economy and the opportunity it provided to anyone who wanted to work.        

Mom and dad had first hand experience that bad things could happen.  They knew what it was like to get down to peanut butter sandwiches and eventually run out of that.  They became master gardeners not because they enjoyed it.  They needed it.  They valued education and assumed all of their children would go to college.  This opportunity was never open to them.  In their mid teens they had to scruffle for any kind of work to keep their families afloat. My father felt incredibly fortunate to snag a job stringing cable for Michigan Bell when he was eighteen years old.

Through it all, these were not unhappy people.  They were positive, excited and took things as they came.  They were always concerned that the dark days could return and prioritized building a safety net to survive if they did.  The need to have something to fall back on never left them.  Much more than our generation, they always wanted to have something in reserve.  Part of every paycheck went into savings and they worked hard to get the best return on all of their expenditures.    

So my dad became a highly talented shopper.  After fifty seven years with Michigan Bell, moving from line worker to mid management, Pete retired.  After retirement, he put the shopping skills into high gear.  He scoured the local newspapers for sales and coupons.  To him, life never got better than double discount day at the Supermarket.  He carried a large pouch with all of his coupons.  More than once, I got a call from one of my friends saying that they had run into my dad at Meijers.  He checked out their shopping cart, rummaged through the pouch and gave them a fistful of coupons. Pete saved us $23!  

Eventually, Meijers became his favorite store.  They seemed to have everything.  A full blown grocery store and K Mart all rolled into one.  Very quickly, the staff at Meijers got to know Pete very well.  They gave him a “heads up” on next week’s specials.  They recommended great products that they were marking down.  They even provided the weekly store Ad a day before they distributed it to the public.  He could not take advantage of the discounts before they were valid, but he could plan an effective shopping spree.  This was helpful because many of the big sale items had limits.  70% off to the first 20 customers, etc.  While others were reading the Ad for the first time, he was ready to pounce.  

Not surprising, when I visited him one day and asked what he would like to do, he replied; “Let’s go to Meijers, I need a few things.”  On the way to the store, he explained that he was having trouble getting some of the big sales items before they ran out but he had solved the problem.  Today, they have Maxwell House coffee 50% off, Bushes Baked Beans, buy one get two free, and a 40% discount on Contadina tomato paste.  We picked up a cart, put the coupon stash in the child’s seat and started hunting the big discounts.  Pops says; “Let’s get the coffee first. It is over here.”  Now I’m a little concerned.  I said; “Dad, we are in the bread aisle.  Coffee is at the other end of the store.”  He replies that “All the discounted Maxwell House on the coffee aisle will be sold out by now.  People are like vultures.  These big sale items only last a few minutes.  Watch this!”  He moves three loaves of Aunt Millies whole wheat bread and neatly stacked behind them are four one pound cans of Maxwell House coffee.  Incredible!  I asked; “How did that happen?”.  Dad replies, unabashedly, that he gets the sales brochures a day early, he goes to the store and hides the items he wants a day before the thundering herd arrives.  Not a lot of people are checking the bread aisle for coffee.  He get’s the big deal without a hitch.  So we go retrieve three cans of Bushes Baked Beans hidden behind the Cheerios on the cereal aisle and four cans of Contadina paste that have been resting behind the Fritos.  

He says that this is all he needs today.  He forgot that tomorrow is double coupon day.  No sense in firing the coupon bullets now when they will be worth twice as much tomorrow.  He will come back.   

We are about to head to the check out counter when dad realizes he has eleven items.  He says, let me put a can of tomato paste back on the shelf.  We now qualify for the ten items or less queue.  As Dad is putting his larder on the conveyer, a guy jumps in behind us with a half cart of groceries.  Way over the ten item limit.  Pops asks the gentlemen how long he has been playing golf.  A little stunned, the shopper says; “How did you know I was a golfer”.  Dad responds; “Because you can’t count past five.”

We have all been significantly influenced by the experiences of our youth.  For my parents, that was a full time struggle to avoid abject poverty.  They were terrified and pulled out all of the stops to avoid total collapse.  After a narrow escape, they continued solid fiscal policies to protect against another disaster.  Amazingly, they kept a great balance and a very positive attitude through all of the challenges.  When I was young, we got down to peanut butter sandwiches for a few days at the end of the month but we never ran out of bread or peanut butter.  I admire the sacrifices mom and dad made for all of us and I cherish the lessons they taught me about fiscal responsibility and staying positive through the tough times in our lives.

I always find it interesting to see who is advertising on television.  Everyday, I dial in one or two cable news channels to determine if the world has exploded.  In the past, I would use these services to learn what is actually happening around the globe.  However, the days of quality news reporting on television are long gone.  The really big stuff hits the headlines at the beginning of the show and the program quickly spins downward to political drivel. If something big happens, like a massive natural disaster or an imminent shortage of fried chicken, it will hit the airwaves when the show opens.  I turn on the liberal channel or the conservative channel at the top of the hour.  Within two minutes, I know if something big happened.

Very often, I get to the station a few minutes before the top of the hour.  This is prime time for advertising.  Who advertises on cable news? 

Personal injury lawyers for one.  “Marciano and Marciano will fight for you.  We have successfully garnered billions in settlements for our clients.  We will get you every dollar you deserve.”  I am sure that there is a lot of money at stake because many of these firms offer services all around the United States.  I see the same ads, for the same firms, in Jacksonville Florida, Ann Arbor Michigan and Los Angeles.  Maintaining a cadre of lawyers all around the country has to be expensive.  Advertising on the number one rated news show in the nation can’t be cheap.  It certainly appears that large personal injury law firms are highly profitable.

Second, a lot of ads come from Pharmaceutical companies.  “Wonder Drugs Unlimited is proud to announce the release of Euphoria 4U.  This revolutionary anti depressant would turn Eeyore into Mary Poppins.  Ask your Doctor about this magnificent drug and kiss the blues goodbye.  Side effects may include constipation, cessation of heart beat and exploding temples.  Do not take Euphoria 4U if you are allergic to it.”  (I have always wondered how you can determine if you are allergic to something if you have never taken it.)  Again, very high stakes on the line here.  Pharmaceuticals can carry a big price tag.  My physician recommended an anti-inflammatory for an arthritic disease that would cost me $62,000 a year, out of my own pocket. Big Pharma rolls huge numbers.  Incredible development costs but astronomical payoffs for successful drugs.       

A third huge advertiser on cable news are supplementary health products.  There seems to be an endless supply of pills, elixers, powders, pads, braces, exercise devices and ointments that will solve every physical challenge of mankind.  You can irradicate memory loss, speed up and clarify your thinking processes, eliminate joint and muscle pain, restore and enhance your sexual capabilities, drop your blood sugar levels, lower your blood pressure, improve your eyesight, reverse hair loss, eliminate wrinkles, shrink your prostate, minimize the effects of incontinence, and restore feeling to your extremities.  At eighty years of age, you can reconsider a career in professional football regardless of whether you are a man or a woman.  All of this can be accomplished with drugs, topical ointments, or pads that have the following disclaimer regarding their advertisement. “This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”  

Wow!  As the nightly news turns to nonsense at 6:03, I see an opportunity.  Three types of businesses dominate advertising around prime time news.  Clearly all three generate such large returns that they can support the massive advertising budgets.  Two of them are very difficult and costly to establish and they have lengthy time periods to initiate.  Starting a national legal firm requires extensive expertise, cash, and legal acumen that I will never have.  Big Pharma is equally challenging.  They literally spend billions in scientific research to ensure that the pharmaceuticals they market are actually effective.  Certainly, not all of them ultimately have efficacy.  It would require many, many years, incredible medical and scientific expertise and billions of dollars just to get a foot in the door.  But the third alternative is fraught with opportunity to amass substantial wealth.

I can offer a product that claims to have the possibility of improving your life.  I can present witnesses that have been paid to extoll the incredible healing powers of my drug. These witnesses may have name tags that say “Dr. Jane Doe” or “John Smith, Senior Vice President of Medical Research”.  Dr. Doe may have an PhD in Music and play poker with me twice a month  but she still carries the title of “Dr.”   John Smith may be my lawn man but I could appoint him to head medical research.  The elixir we develop may have absolutely no provable health impact.  It doesn’t matter because we tell you at the end of the commercial that the FDA has not reviewed our statement and that the product is not intended to treat, cure or prevent anything.                     

Here are the high points of our business plan. 

First, we need to target a malady that is experienced by a high percentage of people around the world.  It will help if the condition is not a well defined medical condition.  We don’t want to claim that we have an effective treatment for hypertension.  That is a very definable problem  and it is very easy for our customers to measure the results with and without our product.  So the malady we will address is frequent frustration and very negative thought patterns.  Who doesn’t have these problems?  Anyone who turns on a computer, adds an App to their mobile device or drives a smart car has plenty of frustration.  Anyone who is interested in politics has off the charts negativity.  It isn’t one side or the other.  It’s both sides.  Conservatives seethe about the way blue cities and states run their communities.  Liberals are apoplectic with any actions taken by their red state counterparts.  This is a huge potential market.

Our product will be a pill because they are easy and inexpensive to produce and distribute.  We will use the same formula as the Placebo tablets used by Big Pharma.  They are proven to be harmless to those who take them.  We will call this miracle mood altering drug Serpens Oleum, an impressive Latin term.

In our drug profile, we will claim that Serpens Oleum is totally comprised of naturally recurring substances.  No fabrication here.  Everything in the universe is natural.  A key scientific law (Conservation of Mass) states that matter cannot be created or destroyed.  It can only be transformed.  Ergo, all matter in the universe is natural.           

We will embark on a significant research campaign.  We will solicit 25 to 30 friends to test the new drug.  We will explain that we have found a compound that should substantially elevate the mood of patients who take a tablet every morning and every evening.  Frustration with the foibles of daily life should be diminished and thought patterns that particularly focus on negative outcomes will be replaced by positive thoughts.  Those of you who find that the supplement has such an impact will be asked to provide testimony to that effect in commercials with five figure monetary compensation.         

Assuming we have very positive results from the extensive scientific research effort, we begin to market Serpens Oleum online.  There are hundreds of vendors who will help us reach the optimal audience through the web. 

We carefully stockpile profits, build a robust sales history and compile a stellar group of user references.  In a year or so we step up to the big leagues and kick off our advertising campaign on the cable news outlets. 

Serpens Oleum will become household words.  Everyone will sing the praises of our homeopathic cure for mood disorder.  Our financial target will be annual bottom line profits of ten to twenty million in four years and fifty to a hundred million in seven years.

As you can see with the business plan, selling supplements has incredible upside potential.  There are very few business ventures that require no measurable value from the end product or accuracy in advertising.  All that is required is positive hype.  After we maximize penetration of the mood elevation market we can move on to another of the seemingly endless health challenges of the Western World.  Move over Mr. Bezos and Mr. Musk.  We are going to join the club.     

I know this flies in the face of the old axiom “If it is easy anyone could do it.”  But I have a hard time seeing how this could possibly fail.

On November 8, 2025, the University of Michigan Men’s Glee Club will host their 166 annual concert.  That is correct, the group has performed every year for 165 straight years.  It is the second oldest university glee club in the United States.  If we are in Ann Arbor, my wife and I and a handful of friends never miss the performance. 

The show is typically held at Hill auditorium and runs for 90 minutes to two hours.  The music is wide ranging.  The choir will sing some international songs, some comical parodies, and, my favorite, some traditional Michigan drinking songs.  When I hear them sing “I Want To Go Back To Michigan”,  I want to head to Joes and the Orient.  Listening to “Michigan Men”,  I am always pleased to know that “if your feet are big and your head is small, you can go to State just to play football”. 

When a member belts out a great solo, the other ninety nine performers snap their fingers instead of clapping.  The tradition started because you could not applaud with a beer in your hand.  You have to love a group like that!        

We started going to the performances in the late 1960’s.  In those years, the event was held on Homecoming Saturday.  Often, Michigan invited the glee club from the competitor’s school and the joint concert was fantastic.  So, we would fold up the World’s Greatest Tailgate a little early on Homecoming weekend and head to Hill for the Glee Club Concert.  One of my best memories was the University of Illinois Glee Club marching into the auditorium singing “Oh we’re marching along for the Illini.  Hoorah for the orange and the blue.  We’re marching along for Illini.  Illini we’ll always be true”.

For some reason, tickets to the fall concert have always been hard to get.  Not because they are expensive and not because they sell out quickly.  They are hard to get because it is difficult to find the ticket office that is selling them in any particular year.  For example, I checked in to buying them for the 2025 concert and the glee club web site says tickets for the November 8 event are not on sale yet.

A few years ago, I went online to find out how to buy tickets to the 152 annual concert.  After a little digging, I found that I could snag them at the Michigan Union Ticket Office.  Great!  MUTO is one of my favorite places.  Often, when we arrive in Ann Arbor for football season, an early stop is MUTO.  I can spend an hour reviewing everything that is going on in the city for the next three months.  If I am excited with an event, I can nail down the tickets then and there.

I needed 20 tickets to the Glee Club concert.  I worked my way to the front of the line.  There were three or four students behind me.  I asked the student aged clerk if I could review the Hill Auditorium seating chart because I wanted to buy Glee Club tickets.  He politely replied that MUTO didn’t sell Glee Club tickets.  I said that this was surprising because an online inquiry to the Glee Club indicated that this was the only place that sold them.  He assured me that MUTO didn’t sell them.  I was beginning to get the impression that this particular clerk may have been enjoying the benefits of the recreational drug laws before they were actually enacted in Michigan.  I replied, another indicator that MUTO might be selling Glee Club tickets is the sign behind you that says “Glee Club Tickets Sold Here”.  All of the people behind me in line audibly started to laugh.  The clerk turned around and said “Wow! I never noticed that sign before.  It’s really strange because we don’t sell them.”   I said, “could you humor me and check the computer to be certain?”  “Sure, I’d be happy to check…..  This is amazing!  We actually do sell Glee Club tickets.”  I said that “This was a great relief to me because this is the 152 annual concert and I have never missed one since they started.  I really didn’t want to end the streak.”  The clerk’s response was “Man that’s really impressive!  I am really happy we could help you out!”  The queue is now hysterical.  I rang up the tickets and told the guy behind me that I hoped he had a very simple transaction.             

Somehow, we have been able to find tickets to every concert we wanted to attend.  I actually do not know how many of the 165 past events we have seen.  Certainly, we have enjoyed many of them since the 1960’s.  None of them have been average.  Every single Glee Club concert has been a truly outstanding experience.  There are very few things in life that consistently deliver at the highest level but the Glee Club is one of them.

So, if you are in Ann Arbor on November 8, 2025, treat yourself to a spectacular two hours.  In addition to the other elements of the performance, the Glee Club usually squeezes in all the choruses of the “Victors” and “Varsity”.  Typically, the evening ends with all of the Glee Club alums filtering up to the stage to join the 100 current club members in singing “The Yellow And The Blue”.

This cannot be missed.