I have always been confused by units of measure.  Much of the confusion is centered around cooking or barbecue.  I’ll be reading one of my grandmother’s Springerle cookie recipes and it will call for a Smidgen of Almond Oil.  I actually have Almond Oil but what is a Smidgen?  I thought many of these ancient terms were really descriptions, not measurements.  I would splash in a little Almond Oil.  Predictably, no two batches of these Christmas cookies ever tasted the same.  As it turns out, my grandma’s frequently used expressions (Dash, Pinch and Smidgen) are real measurements.  A Dash is 1/8 of a teaspoon, a Pinch is 1/16 and a Smidgen is 1/32.  Through the wonders of Amazon, I now have measuring spoons for these volumes.  I actually use them frequently when I whip up some of the old Italian and German recipes passed down to me by my mom.

When I moved to the south, I found several southern expressions that are quasi units of measure.  Passal is a good example.  Passal means a large amount.  When it is applied to a specific item, it may mean a lot and a specific number.  I invite my friend Bubba over for ribs.  “Bring the family.  We will eat all day.”  Bubba responds “Shooey! With my crowd you’re gonna need a passal of those great ribs.”  In this case, both Bubba and I know we need one passal or four racks of ribs.  In Jacksonville, a passal is exactly half of a whole passal.  So if Bubba says “My sister Billie Jo and her family are staying with us. Can we include them?”  “Sure!”  Now we need a whole passal.  A whole passal of ribs is actually twice as many as a passal. So we need eight racks of ribs. Similarly a passal of hamburgers is twelve and a whole passal is twenty four.      

Much of my experience with units of measure is pretty short on science. To bring clarity to some of these vagaries, I called the National Bureau of Measures.  I had a delightful conversation with Professor Melvin Cowznofski, Chief Regulator for the Encyclopedia of Measurements.  Dr. Cowznofski provided a lot of definition and insight to popular terms that I thought were simply descriptions. In addition, Melvin offered a number of measures that few of us have ever heard. For example:

New York Second.  This is the measure of time between a traffic light turning green and the time a New York cabbie, directly behind you, starts honking.

Microcentury.  A microcentury is the maximum period of time that is allowed for a long, boring explanation of anything.  Officially, it is one millionth of a century or 52 minutes and 35.7 seconds.

Potrzebie.  In a 1960’s issue of Mad magazine, the publication established the “Potrzebie Systems of Weights and Measures”. The base unit is a Potrzebie which equals the exact thickness of the 26th issue of Mad magazine.  It converts to 2.263348 mm.  Unfortunately, it failed to become the world’s standard for distance measurement.  Many years ago, anticipating the change, I invested 20 bucks in a Potrzebie based slide rule.  I still have this fine instrument manufactured by Axolotl, Inc.

Sagan.  A single Sagan is 4 billion of anything.  It is a base number equaling the smallest combination of multiple billions (billions and billions).  i.e. 2 billion plus 2 billion.      

Beard Second.  A measure of very short distances usually used in the production of microchips.  It is the distance an average beard grows in one second.

Portal Potty.  Time wasted inputting redundant information into every health care provider’s patient portal. An average of 76 minutes per portal.  “I just peed away 2 ½ hours signing up for two new Doctors.”

In Australia, a very small distance is called a Bee’s Dick.  Similarly in Germany, it is called Muggeseggele which translates to “a housefly’s scrotum”.

Software engineers have developed a rating system for newly developed technology.  According to their standards, there are no perfect systems. The Lovelace Scale, however, measures how significantly any particular program “sucks”.

An impressive IT term is a Mickey.  A Mickey is the smallest resolvable unit of distance that a pointing device (Mouse) can travel on your computer.  A typical distance is 500 Mickeys per inch.

Beer.  For many of us, it is convenient to measure elapsed time in beer.  If you’re smoking a pork shoulder for dinner, the elapsed time could be seven beers.  If your spouse’s boss is dropping in for the feast, you may be better off smoking pork tenderloins with an elapsed time of 1.3 beers.  In Buffalo, they gauge snowstorms in beer. Wisely, they only recommend six beers for a two foot blizzard.  Everything is set to scale based on one beer per four inches.  

Standard Giraffe Unit.  This measure is actually used to categorize Near-Earth objects by the European Space Agency.  In essence, they are tracking big rocks that are traveling close to our planet.  An object the size of a Giraffe is rated 1.0 and called a Giraffe.  An object that is .14 Giraffe Size is called a Canada Goose.  If the rock is 1.25 the size of a Giraffe, it is labeled an elephant.  There are seven animals on the SGU scale.    

A final unit of measurement offered by Professor Cowznofski is the Minutes Per Big Mac metric.  This economic yardstick measures how many minutes a worker, earning minimum wage, needs to work to afford a Big Mac.  Obviously, both sides of the equation will vary based on regional differences.  

So I thank Dr. Melvin Cowznofski and Wikipedia for all of this great information.  I may only use Sagans when evaluating government spending and Minutes Per Big Mac will be very helpful in assessing when I need to find a job in my retirement.  I am already measuring elapsed time in Beer and I certainly hope that no Whale objects will be an imminent threat to our planet.

If Potrzebies make a comeback as a distance metric, I have the slide rule.

Now I am trying to figure out how many people are in the Russian Army.  My wife often reminds me that I have enough barbecue to feed them.  I know it is way more than a Smidgen but I can’t get my mind around how many people are really in that group.