I am stunned by the number of “Tell All” stories that are hitting the airwaves and bookshelves around the country.  It seems that out of work staffers in the federal, state and local governments have found story telling about our elected officials and governmental agencies to be an income producing enterprise.  For many years, these writers were paid by the government to drum up great presentations about how beneficial and effective this Agency or that Representative have been.  If you are good enough to convince people that spending three hours at the Secretary of State to renew your driver’s license is fun and rewarding, you can write. 

Now that these professionals are no longer receiving salaries from our tax dollars, they have refocused on royalties for income.  A great way to sell a story is to write about bad things that were covered up by public servants. 

So we find out that Isaac Newton’s great, great, great grandson, Fig, frittered away $100 million tax payer dollars trying to disprove the law of gravity. It seems his entourage of twenty friends spent several years testing the impact of gravity around the world.  They performed experiments in Monaco, Paris, Dubai, Tokyo, Sydney and Rio de Janeiro and, surprisingly, found the law to be constant and immutable.  President Smith cheats at solitaire.  His predecessor from the other party, President Jones, can’t count past five on the golf course.  Governor Jane Doe sticks her finger in all of the chocolates in a Whitman Sampler to identify and pilfer all of the cream filled candies.  Shirley Goodfude, head of the FDA, is addicted to Twinkies.     

A common factor among the “Tell Alls” is that they are hard to fact check.  They are written with the express purpose of selling books.  You see a lot of anonymous sources used to substantiate the authors’ claims.  “A reliable but anonymous source tells us that the World Bank lost $1.7 trillion by short trading Bitcoin.  The international agency is trying to make up the shortfall with the world’s largest bake sale.”  None of this actually happened but the author hopes to sell 30,000 books to supplant her income.    

I am searching the web for a few “Tell Alls” that will be helpful to me. 

Hopefully a furloughed Department of Health and Human Services employee has exposed hidden scientific evidence that debunks the benefits of the Mediterranean diet.  The whistle blower will point out that the Med diet was promoted a few months after prominent members of the House of Representatives invested in the San Marzano Tomato Company LTD.  There is a preponderance of evidence indicating that everyone who follows the Mediterranean diet will eventually die.  In truth, the ideal diet is the Kansas City Specialty Diet which emphasizes ribs, brisket and pulled pork.  Now that’s a story I would like to forward to my wife.

A second exposé might point out the dangers of yard work.  For years the Feds have known and covered up the real threat of working on your lawn.  The increased exposure to pesticides will take years off your life.  Many workers have encountered African killer bees.  In Florida, the risk of attack from a poisonous snake or wild boar is inordinately high.  In essence, no rational homeowner should assume the responsibility for maintaining their own lawn.  This should be delegated to professionals who are uniquely trained to deal with these significant perils.

Finally, smoking at least one cigar every week actually has considerable therapeutic value.  The FDA loves to club Big Tobacco but hundreds of studies show that enjoying a fine Macanudo Churchill once a week has an incredibly positive effect on the outlook of the smoker.  Study after study shows that the improved psyche of the smoker has resulted in tremendous increase in longevity.  Cigars smokers simply live longer and enjoy life more than non smokers.  For example, George Burns matriculated to 99 years of age with constant cigar usage. For years, these reports have been quashed by the Food and Drug Administration.  It appears that the Head of the FDA, Mrs. Goodfude, was simply unhappy that the aroma of her husband’s daily Cohiba interfered with her enjoyment of the seventeen Twinkies she consumes each day. So she waged a vendetta against Tobacco Companies.      

It appears that we cannot really trust our government.  Incredibly, the people who are demonstrating the reasons for distrust are the ones who lied to us in the first place. We are simply relying on jaundiced feedback from, self proclaimed, whistle blowers who are only interested in generating royalty income. Any correlation to the truth is purely accidental. 

Notwithstanding, all of that is okay with me if it helps to justify my favorite behaviors.