I have always been impressed by people who have a concrete understanding of their “Calling”.  They know what the primary purpose of their life is.  

You see them on television. 

“So you are passionate about saving the gopher tortoise.”  “Yes.”  “Are they threatened with extinction?”  “Well, they are not on the Endangered Species List or the Threatened Species List at this time.  They are on the Deep Do Do List, however, and I have abandoned my full time job as Head of Product Development for Proctor and Gamble to create a better environment for these gentle creatures.  It’s my Calling.”  

“So you enjoy Barber Shop music.”  “No.  It is more than enjoyment. It is my Calling.  I am the Grand Harmonizer for the South East Chapter of the Society For the Preservation and Promotion of Barber Shop Singing in America (aka SFTPAPOBSSIA).  I heard the Buffalo Bills sing ‘Coney Island Baby’ and I was hooked.  I left my position as Sheet Music Manager at the Society For the Preservation and Promotion of Classical Accordion Music in the Western Hemisphere and never looked back.   

“I have been Called to fight for the eradication of really bad scotch.  No one should drink bad scotch.  Every waking hour of the rest of my life will be dedicated to improving the education of scotch drinkers.  To further the effort, I founded the not for profit organization Please Imbibe Superb Scotch Every Day or PISSED.  Our byline is ‘Life is short. Get PISSED.”

Nearly all beauty queens are “Called” to promote world peace. 

Merriam-Webster defines “Calling” as:

A strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.

I have a few “strong inner impulses toward a particular course of action”.  Researching and consuming spectacular fried chicken, qualifies.  Assessing the long term effects of a 1.5 hour afternoon nap is a “strong inner impulse”.  Testing and documenting the quality of barbecue in Northeast Florida has long been a “particular course of action” for me.  In fact, most of my strong impulses are fairly self serving. 

I have had strong impulses for two courses of action that are in the realm of “Common Good”.  I have devoted significant effort to teaching others the fine art of barbecuing and the nuances of tailgating.  None of these impulses are “accompanied by conviction of divine influence”, however, unless The Kansas City Barbecue Society qualifies as some sort of deity. 

So I continue to plod along, waiting for the burning bush or the lightening strike on a sunny day.  I always hoped that St. Paul would reserve the seat next to me on a coast to coast airplane trip.  In the five and a quarter hour ride, he could tell me what God is “Calling” me to do.  But this has not happened.

It may be that the Divine Spirit is underwhelmed with my capabilities and so he is reluctant to “influence” me to any significant “course of action”. At this point, it really doesn’t have to be a very substantial course of action.  I might have trouble finding a cure for cancer but I could teach people how to effectively and safely load furniture into a U-Haul.  This is a great life skill for everyone. I practice it regularly, just ask my wife.  I have pretty good short order cooking skills.  I can show everyone how to flip “over easy” eggs without breaking the yokes.  I can teach the world how to make animal pancakes.

So I am waiting.  Since, statistically, I have less than five years remaining in my stay here on earth, I hope I get the “Calling” soon and I hope it is a simple one.   

I recently watched a terrific interview on BBC with James Lovelock, one of the first scientists to identify the perils of global warming.  He described the challenges of climate change as being “a bit dodgy” for mankind and he raised a second concern about the threat of artificial intelligence.  These are two very interesting problems.

Climate Change

Very likely, climate change will terminate human life on earth.  It may take a long time or it could happen very quickly. 

On the long side, the sun will expand and envelope our planet in 5 – 8 billion years.  The climate will change and, if there is remaining human life, it will end.

Very quickly can happen in several ways.  We might get hit by a giant rock from outer space.  One such collision knocked a big chunk off the planet that is now the moon.  That would have a bad effect on the climate in a hurry.  Over 66 million years ago an asteroid hit the earth.  The climate changed dramatically and all of the dinosaurs perished.  NASA and other agencies try to track huge rocks that may possibly hit us.  The most recent possibility that we currently know about will not be in the neighborhood for about 72 years.  If one the size of the Dino killer hits, it could make the climate unsuitable for human life.  The human race can also trigger a climate change very rapidly that would make the planet untenable for mammals.  Thermal nuclear war could do the trick.  A massive solar flare could wipe out the Van Allan Belt and the human race may not survive.  That could happen any time and very quickly.

So we don’t have a good read on when the “Very quickly” scenarios may happen.  Not with standing, they are very real possibilities.

Our leaders tell us that we are triggering a climate change that, at least, will be very difficult for humanity.  This is self imposed by mankind.  A combination of burning fossil fuels, destroying vegetation, melting the polar region permafrost, and raising domesticated animals is rapidly creating a greenhouse environment on our planet.  Congresswoman Cortez tells us that, if we do not correct the situation in the next twelve years, we will pass the “point of no return” and global warming will be irreversible.  Correcting the situation means moving to zero carbon emissions in the next twelve years.  In essence, all energy will have to be produced by non carbon sources such as solar, wind, hydro electric and atomic sources.  After 12 years (Bernie Sanders adroitly points out that this finding happened last year and we are down to 11), we cannot turn the global warming ship around. 

If the 11 year requirement described by the “Green New Deal” is accurate, we have already lost the battle.  We are doomed. 

Why are we doomed?  Europe, Canada, and yes, the United States have done an excellent job of decreasing carbon emissions.  The US and Great Britain have successfully achieved the goals established by the Kyoto Protocols of the 1990’s.  Amazingly, the United States has achieved the objectives after refusing to be part of the Protocol. Unfortunately, North America and Europe can be perfect in moving to zero carbon emissions and we still have no chance of achieving the world’s goal.  The leading producer of carbon emissions, China, is doing nothing to eliminate carbon emissions and certainly will not eliminate theirs in the next 11 years.  Right behind China is India and we have an entire developing continent in Africa.  These guys will be pouring out fossil fuel based emissions putting us well above zero.  Zero is the requirement for the whole planet.  You can’t make an exception for China and the developing countries and get to zero.  The other countries cannot do a fantastic job and lower their emissions to a negative number in order to offset China. You can’t get less than zero.   You also cannot make these countries change their behaviors.  Exacerbating the problem is South America and Asia destroying their rainforests.  There is clearly less and less vegetation to convert carbon dioxide into healthy oxygen thereby accelerating the greenhouse effect.  Maybe the extensive science employed by the “Green New Deal” would compute a 7 year “point of no return” with the decline of these oxygenators.

In essence, there is no chance that the earth will achieve the 7- 11 year objective described in the  “Green New Deal”.

What are the consequences?  Our elected officials tell us that this will be the end of life on earth.  Pretty serious.  The scientific authors of the study culminating in the 12 year conclusion are not as dire or specific.  The “12 Years to Act on Climate Change” document released by the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change sets a target of keeping the increase in the global temperature for the 21^st century under 2.7 degrees Fahrenheit.  The net zero goal needs to be achieved by 2050 but cannot be achieved without very significant changes in the next 11 years.  The report notes that if we do not achieve the goal there will be longer and hotter heatwaves, more widespread and frequent droughts, rising sea levels and intensifying floods.  According to Daniel Swain, there will be dire consequences to missing the net zero target but “in the physical climate system, there are no scientists claiming that there is a magical threshold that we breach or don’t breach that determines whether we have a habitable system”.  I think he is saying that nobody really knows what the “point of no return” is but missing the target is a big problem.  Mr. Swain is a climate scientist at UCLA and works at The National Center for Atmospheric Research in the Center for Climate and Weather Extremes.  

In addition, the United Nations’ study points out that we can net emissions below zero by employing technologies to remove existing carbon from the atmosphere.

Okay, let’s assume that climate change will terminate human life on earth.  This is a pretty good bet.  It could happen this afternoon with a solar flare wiping out the Van Allan Belt or later as the result of our own Greenhouse gas emissions.  Maybe we get hit with a big rock. 

Ironically, a cataclysmic event that changed the climate 66 million years almost certainly created the opportunity for human life on the planet.  Until then, Dinosaurs ruled the world for at least 200 million years.  There were only a few mammals and they were small and insignificant.  The big reptiles acclimated very, very well to our planet.  There was incredible stasis for 200 million years.  Without the big rock climate change, they could be thriving here today and big mammals, including mankind, would never have had the opportunity to evolve.  We would not exist without the massive climate change that occurred with the asteroid hit 66 million years ago.

Scientists tell us that we are about to wipe out our species.  Congresswoman Cortez and the “Green New Deal” have demonstrated that we are past the “point of no return”.  If their science is correct, our demise from Climate Change is underway and irreversible.  It may take a while but the die has been cast.  No escape.  Modern man is estimated by Archaeologists to have existed for approximately 200,000 years.  We have accomplished destruction of our own species in a mere 200,000 years.  Dinosaurs thrived for 200 million years and had to be killed off by an outside event.  Seems like the planet is much more suited for giant reptiles than it is for human beings.  When we are gone, maybe they will re-evolve.  They may have a few billion years to enjoy before the sun gets them.         

Climate change gave birth to humanity and climate change will terminate our tenure.  Why is that so problematic for so many people.  By any measure, it sure doesn’t look like we will come close to the longevity of Dinosaurs.  We certainly don’t seem to be the best stewards for the planet earth.  Nobody has wiped out more of earth’s species than mankind.  For example Homo Sapiens walked into North America over the land bridge 15,000 year ago and killed off all of the wooly mammoths, saber tooth cats, giant sloths, camels, and every other large mammal on the continent. Let’s just step aside and let the good times on planet earth roll again. 

I guess the demise of mankind runs against two powerful instincts.  Preservation of self and preservation of species.  Supposedly, we have advanced intelligence (as compared to everything we know about all other species on earth).  With that intelligence, we would like others to know what a glorious existence our species had.  If we are all gone, who can explain these achievements to future species on earth or visitors from other locations in the universe?  How can we pass valuable lessons that we learned on to other intelligent beings?  Lessons like, “If you’re not careful, you can kill yourselves off in 12 years”.       

I can see why preservation of self is very important.  Survival of mankind is a lot more significant if you are one of the last ones and time is short.  It gets personal at that point.  Since we are such advanced thinkers, survival of species should not be a big factor.  We know that the chances of the species surviving are infinitesimally small.  Ultimately, survival of the species is dependent on moving away from earth and out of our solar system.  Finally, I’m not sure that anyone who is sufficiently scientifically advanced to reach earth from another solar system would gain much intellectual benefit from all of our learnings.  The information may be very interesting, possibly very humorous, but not very helpful.  If another intelligent life form evolves on earth after our demise, they may find an aggregation of our knowledge and history very beneficial.          

Artificial Intelligence

According to the Oxford Dictionary, Artificial Intelligence is “The theory and development of computer systems able to perform tasks that normally require human intelligence, such as visual perception, speech recognition, decision-making, and translation between languages.”

We see marvelous examples of Artificial Intelligence every day in our lives.  Our cell phones can instantly give us the best travel route through the city by analyzing real time traffic conditions and AI will take us step by step through the route.  We can play any music we desire by asking an electronic device to play it.  We ask a device any weird question that pops into our heads and the device answers, with impressive precision.  A computer will park our car or even drive our car.  We can put a few key words into an online shopping service and get a unique replacement part for a 1986 Weber grill delivered to our home the next day.  Computers remember every book and article ever written on cancer and can use that data to evaluate MRI’s as accurately as a radiologist.

And the computers are getting better and faster.  It is estimated that artificial intelligence will soon be able to “think” 10,000 faster than humans.  At some point, and probably very soon, artificial brain power will blow away human thought.  Compounding 10,000 times faster will allow Artificial Intelligence to solve incredibly complex and previously unresolvable problems.  At 10,000 times faster, it should not take long for the machine brain to replicate the learning, memory, and judgement of the human brain.

What scares me most about Artificial Intelligence is that so many truly brilliant people are afraid of it.  Stephen Hawking had grave concerns about the outcomes of Artificial Intelligence.  Long before the development of powerful computers, Albert Einstein was concerned about Artificial Intelligence and robots.  James Lovelock, the 100 year old British Scientist who set off the global warming alarm, is more concerned about the future impact of Artificial Intelligence than he is of climate change.         

What kinds of problems do the geniuses foresee?

I guess we should be concerned that computerized robots could be master weapons of war.  Oh gosh, too late.  They already are.  Drones surreptitiously track enemies of the United States, such as ISIS leaders in Syria and blow them to pieces with the push of a button by an operator in Las Vegas.  A network of defense systems can track possible threats to US field operations, evaluate if the threat is real, and eliminate the threat with a variety of weapons without any human intervention.  Our soldiers could be fast asleep until the computer starts to fire the fifty caliber machine gun.  By the time they open their eyes, the enemy has been eliminated.  Maybe the brilliant people are concerned that this type of intelligence will be employed by evil regimes to win global wars and rule the world.

Maybe they are concerned about the disruption this type of intelligence could have on the current economic structure.  Kai Fu Lee, an AI expert, predicts that 40% of all jobs will be lost to Artificial Intelligence.  200,000 banking jobs are in peril right now.  That may be good news to a lot of ultra-left proponents in America and Europe.  Work is a real impediment to their personal expression.  But how do you equitably distribute wealth if you are not paying workers for their performance?

Maybe they are concerned about the impact of Artificial Intelligence on international markets and trade exchanges.  Super computers with AI will very likely trade equities and commodities with a much higher success rate and financial return than humans.  We already have private and public equity funds where all of the trades are computer driven.  Computers evaluate, decide, buy and sell whatever company or instrument they wish with no human intervention.  Markets are driven strictly by supply and demand.  Historically, the equity market responded to decisions of financial gurus to buy and sell securities based on the anticipated financial performance of each respective company.  In the future, computers will buy and sell based on anything their algorithms identify.  Shareholder value will be determined by lightning fast trading totally driven by machines with little regard to financial underpinnings of the company.  Making money in these markets will be determined by who has the best AI.

Maybe they are concerned that the machines will transition from being tools of mankind to becoming their own independent entities.  Where will the computers’ incredible intelligence take them?  At some point, will the machines decide that the same human race that screwed up the climate is more of a problem than a worthy employer?  What will the machines do when they realize that they are much smarter than Homo Sapiens?    

Whatever anxieties the world’s geniuses have about Artificial Intelligence are exacerbated by the fact that AI is here and it is absolutely going to move forward.  It is possible to continue the dramatic increases in brain power of machines and you cannot stop people from doing so.  Very soon, all of the theoretical outcomes will switch to real events.   This is less stoppable than Global Warming.         

Conclusion

So mankind has two universal challenges.  We have triggered a change in our climate that is irreversible and will, eventually, terminate human life on earth.  We have created machines that will have significantly more powerful thinking capacity than humans and we don’t know what the machines will do.

Perhaps one of these is a problem and one is a solution. 

The brilliant and accomplished scientists, Congresswoman Cortez and Senator Bernie Sanders, have not drafted a workable solution to global warming. They have determined that we have to eliminate output of these gasses in 7 -11 years or the greenhouse effect is irreversible.  We cannot hit the targets they require in 7 – 11 years. 

What we should be doing is moving forward with Artificial Intelligence as quickly as possible and turn the global warming problem over to the mechanical brain.  The project should be called Channeling Hyper Utilization of Computer Knowledge.  The Artificial Intelligence tool would be called CHUCK.  When complete, we do things with CHUCK like we do with Alexa.  Instead of saying “Alexa, play ‘Oh Baby Don’t You Weep’  by James Brown”, we would say “CHUCK, create effective technology to decrease carbon dioxide worldwide”.     

I think the timelines will work.  Unfortunately, the “Green New Deal” scientists have not been real specific on when we will all die.  If it takes more than 100 years, the computer technology will easily be in place.  It is hard to appreciate the explosive thinking power that will occur with artificial intelligence.  Once the machine acquires the capability of human thinking, the tireless enhancement of thinking 10,000 times faster will blow light years past human thinking in a very brief period of time.  In addition, the total knowledge of the world, that has been captured in an electronic format, will be available to the mechanical brain at all times.  It won’t get tired and it won’t go to sleep.  A few years after AI hits the same level of brain power as humans, we should be able to ask two simple questions and expect accurate answers. 

Question One:  “CHUCK.  How do we develop and deploy technology that will adjust and maintain the carbon dioxide levels in the earth’s atmosphere that are optimal for human life?”

Question Two:  “CHUCK.  How do we find another place to live outside of our solar system and how do we get there?”   

We don’t have to figure these things out, CHUCK will.

We won’t be turning over this critical research to the brightest human minds on earth.  Women and men who are brilliant but also subject to all of the foibles of humanity.  The scientific research and analysis will be undertaken by something exponentially more intelligent than the most brilliant humans.  Importantly, Artificial Intelligence is also free of hubris, jealousy and all of the other weaknesses inherent in Homo Sapiens.  A device that is tireless and completely objective.

CHUCK may give us a feasible path to accomplish both goals.  We follow his instructions and we are home free.  We preserve self and we preserve species.  We extend our stay on earth and we have an exit plan.

CHUCK may determine one or both goals cannot be achieved.  We may then ask him, her, or it another question.

Question Three:  “CHUCK.   How can we document mankind’s tenure on earth so that our knowledge may be helpful to other species after our demise?”

Moving ahead, full throttle, with artificial intelligence certainly has peril.  The fears of today’s geniuses could unfold.  CHUCK may run the numbers and conclude that mankind is the problem.  We have the highest rate of extinction ever documented by biologists.  We are over fishing the oceans.  We have introduced nuclear arsenals.  Finally, we created irreversible global warming.  Not exactly stellar performance in a few thousand years.  The Dinosaurs maintained a very comfortable environment for 200 million years.  CHUCK may easily conclude that the best way to “Save The Planet” is to get rid of the humans.

But what choice do we have?  Congresswoman Cortez and Senator Sanders have proven that we are irreversibly heading to our demise as the result of climate change.  We are going to perish because the earth is becoming a greenhouse and we can’t do the things required to stop it in the next 7 -11 years.   

So I say we give AI a shot.  What the hell do we have to lose?   It is a lot like the counsel Paul Newman gave Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.  They faced certain death at the hands of a Posse or very slim chance of escape by jumping off a cliff into a river.  Redford can’t swim.  “You can’t swim!?  Hell the fall will probably kill ya!” 

I say we jump.

We all have staples in our diets.  Key foods that are the foundation of a wholesome healthy life.  Foods that provide excellent nutrition and put us in a very positive frame of mind.  My friends crave fresh fruit, celery, carrots, radishes and baked skinless turkey breast.  My staples are fried chicken and barbecue. 

If I go more than two weeks without crispy, golden fried poultry, I start to suffer withdrawal. My mental outlook deteriorates.  I say to my wife: “I have a feeling of foreboding today.  The stock market doesn’t seem stable.  Should we get out before the crash?  Are we expecting big thunder storms?  Have the bug guys checked the termite traps this month?  Don’t you think we are overdue for a tsunami?”  She responds, “Go to Publix and get some fried chicken.  Everything will be fine.”  

Having lived most of my life in Jacksonville, Florida, addiction to fried chicken is not a problem.  Excellent fare is available from restaurants and grocery stores throughout the city.  For years I have evaluated every possible source for fried chicken and barbecue within 50 miles of our home.  There are five spectacular chicken places and another ten that are pretty good. When the craving hits, the fix is just minutes away.  There are not as many options for barbecue.  But at least four pit masters offer world class barbecue.  A little longer drive but still close enough to stave off the ill effects of withdrawal.  So Jacksonville offers many options for me to maintain my wholesome diet of ribs, brisket, pulled pork and fried chicken.  In addition to the protein, most of these restaurants offer “good for you” collard and turnip greens.  Many offer heart healthy pole beans and ham, barbecue beans, corn bread and biscuits.  I try to avoid sweet ice tea.  In north Florida sweet tea has a sugar content slightly higher than pure maple syrup.  I only get fries half of the time.  Very healthy.

A much bigger dietary challenge arises when my wife and I make our annual trek to our home town in Ann Arbor Michigan for football season.  Ann Arbor is a great foody place.  They have outstanding seafood restaurants, quality Italian fare, fabulous German Bistros, Indian food, Asian food, spectacular Middle Eastern cuisine.  Zingermans Deli is centered in Ann Arbor.  Not far away are Polish enclaves and of course there are great steak houses.  Pizza in this part of the country is incredible. 

Quality barbecue is sparse.  There is a decent restaurant 30 miles away in Jackson Michigan.  There is an excellent, upscale joint 60 miles north in Clarkston and a third, award winning  operation 120 miles off in Midland.  When the urge strikes, a road trip to any of these three outlets is a reasonable undertaking.  In addition, I have learned to smoke World Class Barbecue in my backyard.  Every couple of weeks I will smoke up a feast for personal consumption.  So barbecue withdrawal is not a big challenge.                    

Southern fried chicken is a problem.  I haven’t found an outlet that makes anything above pedestrian fried chicken.  There are only a few of these establishments and they are not very reliable.  Last week the withdrawal delusions surfaced.  “I think I have Covid.  Do you know Michigan could lose seven football games this year?  We only have ten years left to save the planet from climate change and China is going to doom us all.  They are putting 30% of all the world’s carbon into the atmosphere and they are building 300 more coal fired electricity plants!  Net zero will never happen! The Red Wings could finish in the cellar again.” 

Okay, time for the fix.  There is no great place for the fried delicacy but there are a couple of national chains from Louisiana and Kentucky that may do the trick.  I like Louisiana best.  When we pull in to the fast food parking lot, I find that they have chained off the “drive through”.  Bad sign.  I go inside and find 30 other addicts queued up for their drug.  The manager apologizes and points out that they are really short staffed because of the unemployment largess offered by the Federal government.  It will be at least an hour and all they may be able to offer is spicy drumsticks.  Now my mind is really racing.  “I believe I have lost my putting stroke!  I’ll lose hundreds to my golfing buddies before I get it back.  Inflation will devalue the dollar.  Our 20 year retirement nest egg may only last a few months.  I believe that the predator fish from Africa has made it to Lake Michigan.  The salmon will be gone from all five great lakes by next summer!”  Well the Kentucky place is just a few miles down the road.  I head there and find a sign that says “CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE”.  Yikes!  There is another Louisiana place in Ypsilanti.  Next stop.  Good news, the “drive through” is open.  A friendly clerk asks for my order.  “Eight pieces, mild, mixed and a large order of red beans and rice.”  The friendly lady responds, “Were running a little behind.  Short staffed with this Covid debacle.”  After 37 long minutes and 43 seconds I am at the window.  She takes my cash in exchange for a large package of the drug I am craving. 

When I get home with my boodle I find that I only have drumsticks and thighs.  There is no order of red beans and rice.  Whatever.  The fix works and I’m set for another ten days. 

In Jacksonville, I never learned how to fry chicken because great fare is readily available all over the city.  This clearly does not work in Ann Arbor.  So I have vowed to change my ways.  Certainly, I am not giving up my addiction to healthy fried chicken.  I am 76 years old.  My cholesterol is well within the desired range without any medication.  I owe it all too healthy fried chicken and “pull from the bone” smoked ribs.  

I’ll continue searching Southeastern Michigan for great fried chicken.  Ann Arbor is such an outstanding culinary city, there must be a spot somewhere.  Until I find it, I am setting up my fish cooker and cast iron Dutch oven so that I can fry my own chicken.  I have many friends who have classic, old family recipes.  They will help me make an outstanding southern feast.  Within hours of the first jitters, I will be concocting my own remedial drugs. 

It isn’t easy to maintain a healthy dietary regimen but I am committed. 

Coffee plays an inordinately large role in my life. 

My friends and family have learned that, until I have ingested two cups of coffee in the morning, they should disregard anything I do or say.  I once asked my wife if she had put the cat out and she responded “Dear, we have never owned a cat.”  She wasn’t startled.  She knew that this question was formulated before I had consumed any caffeine.  No psychiatric evaluation required.  He hasn’t had his drug yet. 

I really enjoy two fine cups of coffee in the morning.  I love the aroma.  I love the taste.    Perhaps the finest part of my day is the first few sips of a freshly brewed cup of coffee as I settle in front of the TV to find out if the world exploded while I was sleeping.  If there is no bad news, this is a spectacular start to a new day.  I can literally feel the fog lifting from my mental faculties as I consume my first two cups in the morning.  The wheels start rolling with the first half cup.  I’m semi functional after the first cup.  All systems are go after cup number two.  Fortunately, we are early risers and I can’t talk with either my stockbroker or bookie at 5:30 in the morning before I have had my coffee.

At any point in time, I have three different types of caffeinated coffee and two different decafs in the cupboard.  I try to follow the Mayo Clinic guidelines that say you can have four cups of regular coffee a day.  After that, I will occasionally brew up a pot of decaf just to enjoy the flavor and aroma.

Like most addictions, over time, my dependence on the drug has become more problematic.  My ability to function without the two cups is dwindling.  The first thing I do each morning is stumble to the kitchen and put on the coffee.  It is becoming increasingly more difficult to accomplish this task.  The steps involved are selecting the coffee for today, grinding the beans, emptying the filter basket and installing a new filter, transferring the coffee from the grinder to the new filter basket, dumping the dregs of yesterday’s coffee and rinsing out the pot, putting the pot back into the coffee maker, getting a precise measure of water for today’s brew, pouring it in the Bunn, and closing the lid.  These are a lot of steps for someone who is nearly comatose and lately I have not been doing them very well. 

In the last six months I have had a number of miscues.  Yesterday, I did everything correctly except inserting the coffee pot back into the coffee maker.  It can take hours to clean up a half pot of hot freshly brewed coffee that has been flowing across the kitchen counter tops and seeping into the cupboards.  On other occasions, I have added the water twice.  My fine Bunn coffee maker will let me do that and pour two full pots of coffee into a single pot.  Same result for the counter and cupboards.  I have closed the lid and started the water flowing without inserting the filter basket.  A mess but warm water is a little easier to clean up than hot coffee.  Another major blunder occurred one morning when I mistakenly brewed a decaf instead of the fully loaded Columbia Supremo.  After two hours my wife asked me a question and my response was “Nice day!  Don’t you?”   “Oh, Oh.  I think your drinking decaf.”  She responded.     

Sadly, I have degenerated to the point where I can’t competently make coffee until after I have consumed two cups of coffee.  As my mother, the consummate coffee drinker, would say, “It’s a catch 24”.  

In the latter stages of caffeine addiction she fractured metaphors, clichés, and common words.  For example, for mom the word condominium was condomonium.  The short form was not condo.  It was condom.  “They sold their house and downsized to a condom”.  “Mom, it’s not condom.”  “Okay, they sold their house and bought a condomonium.”  Fifty years of caffeine addiction had reduced a brilliant woman to this.  I have been using the drug for at least forty eight years so I know where this is going. 

So far my verbal and written skills (after two cups of coffee) are still pretty good.  However, I don’t want to take anything for granite.

Life in America is challenging.  By simply listening to the evening news you can find ten to twenty things that should be very concerning.  The pandemic, rising crime, economic erosion, global warming, artificial intelligence, murder wasps and killer bees, supply chain shortages (particularly impacting fried chicken), out of control inflation, the national debt, and a losing football season.

Most of us are “well adjusted” and don’t live our lives in fear.  Not with standing, most of us are reasonably cautious and we all have immediate access to information on the internet.  So we research the important potential perils and decide how we can minimize risk.  The line between rational concern and stark, raving, mad paranoia gets very blurry.

For example, when I was eight years old I was very impressed with the boomerang.  I saw a film of people throwing this fine instrument and after a period of time, the gadget would return right back to them. Wham-O, the brilliant company that invented the Frisbee, also sold excellent wood boomerangs.  I saved my lawn mowing money and bought one.  I went to a big field by my house and fired that sucker with all my might.  The boomerang sailed over the weeds toward the end of the field and disappeared.  I waited for the return.  A few minutes, a half hour, an hour.  How long can it take for the boomerang to work its magic?  None of the instructions gave a timeline.  For the rest of the summer, when I was outdoors, I looked for the returning boomerang.  To this day, sixty six years later, it still has not returned.  When I am sitting on my patio smoking a cigar, I scan the sky looking for the boomerang.  It is a mystery how the weapon invented by the Australian Native People can find its owner but it does.  I know that someday it will come hurtling back to me and I want to be ready.  These devices can drop a full sized kangaroo.  I need to see it coming before it drops me.  So is this rational concern or paranoia?  Hard to tell isn’t it?          

For part of my business career, I was Controller for a medium size life insurance company.  I spent a lot of time with and developed great friendships with several actuaries.  These are very talented professionals who evaluate risk for a living.  One of my actuarial friends had a phobia about flying.  He required sedatives and maybe a little alcohol just to board an airplane.  I asked why he was so concerned.  Statistically, planes are the safest form of transportation.  He replied that he wasn’t afraid of flying, he was afraid that a terrorist would plant a bomb on the plane we were flying.  Low probability, but statistically significant enough to destabilize him.  A few weeks later, we were travelling by plane.  I gave a heads up to the flight attendants.  My friend may require alcohol.  Cedric got on the plane with a couple of “carry ons” and was totally rational and calm.  I congratulated him on conquering his phobia.  He replied that he still had the same fear of a bomb being on the plane.  He had researched the probability of there being a bomb on this plane and it was one chance in a million.  “So now you are not worried?”  “Oh no! One in a million bothers me a lot.  Further research, however, shows that there is a one in 14 billion chance of two bombs being on a single commercial aircraft.  Those percentages don’t bother me at all.  So I brought my own bomb.”  Rational or phobic?           

We have all lived through traumatic episodes.

When I was eleven I defiantly tore the “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENTALTY OF LAW” tag from my mattress.  It took several years for me to conquer the fear of hearing the Federal Mattress Inspector’s knock at our door, announcing that he or she was here to look at all the mattress tags. 

In 1995, I found a library book that my sister had checked out of the St. Thomas High School Library in 1958.  The IHM Sisters pounded into our heads that the fine for overdue books was $.03 per day, no exceptions, no limits.  They implied that failure to pay the fine may have an impact on the quality of our eternal life.  At least a lengthy stay in purgatory. Taking no chances, I sent them the copy of Tom Sawyer and a check for $405.39 (13,513 days times $.03).  No matter that the High School no longer existed or that this was really my sibling’s indiscretion.  I was very concerned about the consequences.  Fortunately, someone at the St. Thomas Parish Church cashed the check and I may have avoided significant eternal peril.

So, after 75 years I have not been able to clearly delineate the line between rationality and paranoia.  I tend to err on the conservative side and address most issues as if they were plausible possibilities.  I always remember my mother’s stellar counsel.  She advised, “Just because you’re  paranoid doesn’t mean that someone is not out to get you.”

Isn’t technology wonderful!  We now control nearly every aspect of our lives with a variety of powerful electronic tools.  At home we can fire up the desk top computer with the dazzling 55 inch high definition monitor.  We have laptops and notebooks for the road.  We have smart phones and watches that have fantastic capabilities for the rest of our life functions. 

For example, an App on my watch monitors my life expectancy.  Using GPS technology and the buying history on my array of credit cards, the App constantly updates the time I am likely to have left on this planet.  If I walk for fifteen minutes it will extend my life for four days.  If the walk takes me to the local liquor store, it takes two days off.  If I buy a bottle of Beefeaters, I lose another two days.  Red wine, it adds a day.  A fine Macanudo cigar, it drops ten days.  If my destination is the local grocery store and I buy fried chicken for lunch, I lose three weeks.  The watch is incredibly helpful.  It beeps every fifteen minutes and tells me how long, actuarially, I can expect to be alive.  Several times each day, I make adjustments to the very detailed plan for the rest of my life.  I want to ensure that I squeeze in the most important goals on my bucket list.  At 10:45 AM, I found out that I’m down to 5.324 years.  I went out to my travel App and cancelled the trip to Stonehenge for the 2028 Winter Solstice and prioritized a week in Vegas, ASAP.       

Before technology, I squandered my leisure time visiting with friends, playing golf, reading, biking and barbecuing.  I did this even while I was employed full time in pretty demanding occupations.  Now, I am retired and I don’t waste a lot of time on these frivolous activities.  I spend 70 hours every week maintaining my technology.  In modern America, this really is not an option.  Executing daily digital functions takes Herculean effort and constant diligence.  Where am I spending my time?

A lot of time is spent on portals.

Medical portals are a great example.   Before the perfection of internet commerce, I would call my family doctor to report a significant malady.  His or her staff would set up an appointment.  If needed, they would refer me to a specialist who would call with another appointment.  Total administration of the medical process required less than five minutes of my time.  After the first appointment, the initiative shifted to the medical providers.  I am through the gate keepers and talking with the appropriate specialist with minimal effort.

The new process goes like this.  I call my Primary Care Doctor.  No one answers the phone.  A robot says that they are short staffed due to Covid and I should start an on line chat in their portal sawbones.com.  I have never used the Sawbones website.  So the first step is to sign up for the portal.  You would think that all I need to input is a few pieces of information.  Name, address, cell phone number, driver’s license number, insurance information, email address and password and I’m in the portal.  In fact, the primary care doc has all of this info other than the password.  They could have set it up for me.  However, I spend an hour and ten minutes carefully inputting an entire lifetime of medical history, a list of current prescription drugs, daily dosages of vitamins and minerals, my dietary habits for the last nine years, my smoking, drinking and illicit drug habits, and an extensive litany of personal preferences.

“How many drinks do you consume each week?  When you drink scotch, are you buying inexpensive blends or do you drift toward high quality single malts aged for at least fifteen years?  Where do you buy alcoholic products?  Can we refer you to our affiliated purveyor of alcoholic beverages?  Do you regularly purchase street drugs?  Which ones?  Would you be amenable to buying substitutes from a local pharmacy affiliated with our medical practice?  Did you have acne as a teenager?  Have you ever contracted the bubonic plague?  Are you an Ebola survivor?  Could you use a therapeutic massage twice a week from our affiliated organization the We Won’t Rub You The Wrong Way massage specialists? ”       

Five times during the process I am notified in red letters that I failed to provide a piece of information.  I back fill the required data.

Finally, I am down to the password and a few security questions?  The red letters come back.  “Your password does not comply with our requirements.  Please note that at least one letter must be in Sanskrit and an Avatar from a post 2016 Disney feature film character is also required.”  Security questions include “What was your great uncle Oscar’s third dog’s full American Kennel Club name.”  More red letters.  “Your answer to your wife’s college sweetheart’s nick name is incomplete.  Dork is correct but it is preceded by a seven letter adjective beginning with F.”

After another twenty seven minutes, I get the green light that I have successfully signed on to the sawbones.com portal.  

It is important to note that I have not done anything yet.  I invested more than two hours simply to establish the communication link with one of my medical providers.  After buying fried chicken for three straight days, my Life Expectancy App has strongly recommended a visit with a cardiologist.  When sawbones.com refers me to the cardiologist I will have to go through the same portal initiation process on his or her website, itsthebigone.com.  In fact I have to initiate portal communication with every medical professional, hospital and pharmacy I do business with.  Even though my Life Expectancy App has put me in the “Ticking Time Bomb” category, I don’t have a long history of visits to medical professionals.  Not with standing, I need to sign up to 17 different medical portals.  This will be a full time effort for several weeks.                     

Medical portals are only a small part of my digital life.  The financial portals for my broker, bank accounts, and credit cards are numerous and every bit as complex as the medical portals.  I have 14 different portals for my cable and streaming services alone.  Another ten or twelve are tied to travel.  Hotel, airline, and rental car sites.  There are at least 20 sites tied to online and phone services. 

I live in Florida.  I’m retired.  I love to play golf.  However, I haven’t played a round in three months.  Who has time when you are maintaining your technology? 

A few hours ago, my Life Expectancy App gave me the “DANGER WILL ROBINSON” notice.  The App monitors electrocardiogram, blood pressure, heartrate, and oxygen level data through my digital watch.  After 21 straight hours on line and two fried chicken meals in one day, a lot of stuff was “off the chart” bad.  The App recommended that I call 911 and seek medical attention immediately.  The 911 robot answered the call and said that, due to Covid and the current high volume of calls, they could not respond for several hours.  Evidently, this is common at 1:30 AM because so many citizens are working late on their portals.  As an alternative they recommended contacting Acme Ambulance directly.  I called Acme.  Their robot referred me to their portal ridesforthewrecked.com.  So I am halfway through the two hour process of signing up for Acme’s services.  My Life Expectancy App is beeping continuously and indicates that, actuarially, I may have less than six hours to live.

Hopefully, I will make it through the next few hours.  But I ask you. Where would we be without this amazing technology?

Like most Americans, I am working many jobs.  I have parlayed my career as President of a systems consulting firm into the following occupations.  I am a software engineer and a data base administrator.  I am a test marketer.  I work as a data entry professional.  I manage key corporate functions such as order fulfillment and accounts receivable.  I am a retail check out professional and I bag groceries. 

Combined, these activities require more hours a week than my previous Presidential position. 

Every time we leave our homes, we typically start to work for someone else.  Many years ago it all began with gas stations. Believe it or not, filling stations used to provide “full service assistance”.  You would pull into your neighborhood Sinclair station and an employee would fill your tank, wash your windshield, and check your oil level.  If asked, he or she might even check your tire pressures.  Big Oil figured out that if they passed these duties back to the customers, they would not have to hire any attendants.  So in the 1970’s, we became gas station employees.

With the advent of technology, it seems that every entity has leveraged a way to transfer jobs from their staff to their customers.   

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were grocery shopping at one of our favorite national grocery chains, The Galloping Ghost Grocers, home based in Grange Illinois.  All the full service checkout counters were closed.  The Manager said that they were short staffed and the two professionals who were assigned to the counters had called in sick. We would have to ring up our groceries at a self checkout station. 

There were help wanted signs saying that starting salary for all positions was at least $17 dollar per hour.

We usually avoid the self checkout lanes if we have a lot of produce. It often takes an inordinate amount of time to identify and ring up the weird fruits and veggies we require.  First step at self checkout is to scan our Galloping Ghost shopper’s card.  It isn’t recognized.  We input our phone number.  It isn’t recognized.  We won’t get credit for our BOGOS and sale prices, so we push the “HELP!’ button.  The manager comes over and informs us that the preferred client system is on the Fritz.  She inserts her key and presses a few buttons to override the system.  We will now be appropriately credited for our discounts.  We put the poblano peppers on the scale and follow the instructions to look up the price per pound.  Poblano peppers pop up but they are priced at $35.90 per pound.  We push the “HELP!” button again.  After a delay, the harried Manager comes over.  She agrees that the price is incorrect.  I offer to return to produce and get the accurate per pound price.  She thanks me and proceeds to help another troubled customer.  It turns out that the accurate price is $3.59 per pound.  We reengage with the Manager.  The magic key comes out and the price is adjusted.  She thanks us and says that she will send a request to the systems professionals to correct the price in the “system”.  Four items later, we plop the Organic Ecuadorian Arugula on the scale.  We cannot find Arugula in the produce look up tool.  “HELP!”  The beleaguered Manager returns.  She cannot find Arugula either.  She leaves the magic key in her pocket and says “Just keep the Arugula. I’ll add it to my list of pricing problems for IT to fix.”  We ring up the wine and the station shuts down until an employee, who must be at least 21 years old, checks our identification.  You guessed it.  Another visit from, our now close friend, the Manager.  Magic key, click, click.  After a mere 40 minutes, we are now ready to finalize our purchase.  I tap my American Express card on the card reader (Amex gives us 4 times the points for grocery purchases).  I get the message INVALID CARD.  Please wait for assistance.  After five minutes, the Manager returns again and informs us that Galloping Ghost Grocery and Amex are having trouble communicating at the moment.  Do we have another card?  Yes we have a Visa. She inserts the Magic Key, clears the Amex snafu and we complete the transaction with Visa. 

The Manager apologizes profusely, says how much she enjoyed meeting us, and invites us to her daughter’s wedding next fall.

It occurs to me that my wife and I have just spent 45 minutes as employees of Galloping Ghost Grocers, Inc.  We have been checkout clerks, produce department managers, software evaluation and testing professionals, banking liaisons, liquor compliance specialists, and bagging professionals.  Based on our patient and amicable interaction with the frenzied Manager, we should also be paid as mental health counselors.  Minimum compensation would be $17 an hour but the IT testing services, banking liaison and mental health counseling services would be at a much higher rate.  Let’s assume blended rate of $48 an hour.  45 minutes for me.  45 minutes for Sue.  Galloping Ghost owes us $72.

So I decide to invoice Galloping Ghost Grocery.  Using QuickBooks, I type up an invoice to Galloping Ghost from the Acme Ancillary Services Company, detailing the services that Sue and I provided today.  The subtotal for our efforts is $72 and I deduct $3 for the donated Organic Ecuadorian Arugula.  The bill is legitimate and accurate.

Three weeks later, we receive a check from Galloping Ghost for $69.  I expected more scrutiny from the Accounts Payable professionals in Grange Illinois.  Apparently, the horrendous system problems we encountered were plaguing the entire Ghost customer base.  The professionals in the home office may have been more focused on those challenges.  Our small invoice may have slid through the approval process because they were trying to resolve much bigger operational issues.

With my consulting experience, I realized that we had passed a significant threshold.  The Acme Ancillary Services Company is now an authorized vendor in the Galloping Ghost A/P system.  My assessment was correct.  Every time we shop at Galloping Ghost, I document the services that we provide for this particular visit.  We continue to send valid and accurate services invoices for the work we are doing.  Each invoice has been approved and paid.

Grocery shopping is just a fraction of the time we spend as employees of other entities.  We work for big box electronic stores, national hardware and home goods outlets, drug stores and warehouse clubs.  We work for at least fifteen different medical and dental services.  We work for a diverse array of restaurants, from fast food and home delivery to upscale dining. We are very busily employed by the travel industry:  airlines, hotel chains, car rental companies, and resorts.  We have jobs at five different clubs: golf clubs, beach clubs, and dinner clubs.  We work for at least twelve different streaming services.  We have dozens of jobs in the technology industry (cell phones, computers, TV’s, sound systems, tablets, golf range finders, etc.).

My wife and I have full time employment providing these services to hundreds of employers. Galloping Ghost pays for our services.  So should everyone else. 

I put my technical expertise in to high gear.  First, I have made it easy to track our services.  After I spend two hours finding acceptable air accommodations with Delta, I make a few clicks in QuickBooks and I have documented the time we spent and applied the appropriate, travel agent, billing rate.  The billing data is captured.

Next, I created an App to automatically process the invoices and subsequent payments. When I am asked to approve the terms of an App on my phone or over the internet, my App is electronically triggered as part of the response.  In essence the terms of my App say that, by accepting my response to your App, you accept the terms of my App.  Key provisions of my App are:

Acme Ancillary Services, LLC will be paid for the services Mike and Susan perform for your enterprise.

The rates for all of the services are documented in the attached rate schedule. 

You will be billed electronically and payments will be submitted electronically.

So far, more than a hundred entities have “accepted” the terms of our App.  We track our services to all of them and the billing is automatic.  If we complete a survey for the Pismo Beach Medical center or Uncle Ben’s furniture store, they get an invoice for Market Research provided by Acme Ancillary Services, LLC.  The $23 an hour rate is included in the rate schedule of our App and was agreed to by the vendor when they accepted our App.

Amazingly, Sue and I each average about 46 hours of billed services per week.  We, actually, receive payment from about 35% of the entities that we work for. 

Even though all of the entities owe us money as the result of accepting the terms of our App, we do not pursue the non-payers.  We do collect about 85% of the compensation we bill. In essence, we maximize our collection rates by only doing business with enterprises that pay us.  Galloping Ghost pays us.  Merry Markets does not.  We shop at Galloping Ghost.

In summary, we have been forced out of retirement by nearly every commercial enterprise in America.  It is totally unfair that they have usurped our retirement and do not pay us for the labor we provide.  We really cannot avoid going back to work.  St. Bob’s Health Care won’t take care of us if we do not invest all of the hours required to maintain their portal.  So at least Sue and I are recovering slightly more than $100,000 each year for providing these services.             

We are constantly reminded by our elected officials that we are “A nation of laws”.  Almost always, this comment precedes an attack on an elected official on the “other side of the aisle” for violating a sacred rule that should never be broken.  Minutes later, the attacking politician openly refuses to obey a different law that he or she doesn’t like.  Typically, the justification for not following this particular law is “This is not what we do as Americans”.  We are not a nation of those laws but we are a nation of these laws.  This is very confusing.  Which laws are we a nation of?

I agree that we are a nation that has an incredible number of laws.  Unfortunately, many of them are totally unhelpful to society.  In addition, there are a number of circumstances where we should have a law and do not.

Here is a brief litany of real laws that I am sure we all find helpful.  In Alaska, Flamingos are not permitted in barbershops.  Also in Alaska, it is against the law to wake up a sleeping bear in order to take a photograph.  In Alabama, it is illegal to play dominos on Sunday.  Another important religious rule in Alabama makes it illegal to wear a fake mustache in church for the purposes of invoking laughter.  In Tennessee, you cannot lasso a fish.  It is illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub in Arizona.  In Iowa, a statute that offers great protection, prohibits one armed piano players from charging fees for their services.  

It appears that criminals are serving time in prison for violating these laws.  Neither Donald Trump’s prison reform legislation nor Joe Biden’s executive actions freed anyone from jail for breaking these important rules.

Frankly, I think all of these edicts make more sense than the Affordable Care Act and the entire body of federal law devoted to taxation.

I always find it interesting to watch someone zooming on a TV news program from a law library.  The back drop is a few thousand leather bound books containing a few of the legal regulations we must adhere to in the United States.  The screen is not nearly large enough to show all of the volumes in the entire library.

No doubt we have plenty of laws.  The problem is that we could toss most of them and yet we have not addressed, in these millions of pages of codification, some of the real issues we deal with every day.

What laws would actually be helpful?

The control panels on all elevators must be identical.  A nice nine word law.  Have you ever tried to find the “open door” button in time to hold the elevator for an elderly lady with a walker?  Less than .005% of the US population can do this before the door closes.  We think about putting a hand or foot in the door because we can’t locate the < > quickly.  We are worried that the auto open feature may not work in this particular lift.  I really want to help the senior citizen but I don’t want to start my day with an accidental limb amputation.  Whoops, too late anyway.  We have to find the right button in .6 seconds and we can never do it.

I have a friend who flew fighter jets for the navy.  I was very impressed to know this and asked him what skills were required to qualify for the job.  He said there are two tests.  You have to have 20/20 vision and you have to be able to find the “open door” button on an elevator before the door closes.  If you pass both, you’re in flight school but the failure rate is over 93%.       

If the control panels were standardized, we would all know where the switch is in every elevator in the country.    

It is illegal to exceed the posted limit for items in a grocery store check-out line.  The fine will be $250 and it will be assessed at check out.   I always appreciate the special people who jump in to the shorter lines in the express lanes with a half cart of groceries.  Surely the item limit is not intended for them.  Not only are there a lot of customers in the regular lines, they all have a lot of groceries.  Why, you can waste ten or fifteen minutes waiting to check out in accordance with the rules!  Ten minutes to me is a lot more important than ten minutes to you.  

I loved shopping with my father.  He was a straight shooting Italian who would speak his mind to anyone (Okay, I know that is redundant).  As the special person was unloading their cart my Dad would ask how long they had been playing golf.  The elitist would say “How did you know I was a golfer?”  My Dad would respond “Because you can’t count past five.”

A police officer should be posted at every store to enforce this law.

It is illegal to sell car warranties telephonically. The first offense will result in dissolution of your company.  The second offense will be punishable by not less than 5 years imprisonment.  Amazingly, one type of solicitation has changed the phone habits of nearly every American.  If we don’t recognize the caller ID or phone number, we don’t answer the phone.  We wait to see if the call goes to voice mail.  Most solicitations don’t make it that far and so we check voicemail to see if we actually should be talking to the unidentified caller.  What a pain!  In fact we should expand the law to include all forms of phone solicitations. 

Such aggressive tactics should not be so pervasive in our lives.  I have a friend who recently found a bottle floating in the surf at the beach.  There was a note in the bottle.  The note said: “We have been trying to contact you about your auto warranty…”

So we have a myriad of laws that are not helpful.  For example the regulation against waking up bears in Alaska is self correcting.  A recent check showed no incarcerations for this offense because no one lived long enough to go to trial.  In addition, we have a number of issues that require new legislation.  Notwithstanding, we are way over the top in putting millions of ill thought out rules into the legal code. How do we fix this?

First, we should pass a law that puts a limit on the number of laws we can have.  Even God Almighty saw a need for only ten simple rules.  According to the Dead Sea Scrolls, when Moses came down from the mountain he said “Good news.  I got him down to ten.  Bad news.  The one about Adultery is still in there.”  If ten is Okay for the Lord, we should easily get by with a cap of 1,000.  We cut back the code to a thousand rules.  Even with the bloviation of the legal community, the law library will shrink to less than three leather bound law books.  From there, we will require that you toss out an existing law if you want to add a new one.  When we add the elevator legislation, we delete the requirement to roll up the sidewalks in Toledo Ohio at sundown.     

At any rate, we need to reverse the trend of piling up ponderous new regulations to the detriment of our ability to enjoy life.  We should be a nation of very few laws that are relevant.  We need to ensure that one armed piano players are fairly compensated.  The citizens of Alabama should be able to enjoy an inspired game of dominos every day.  I join the SPCA in condemning the egregious regulation of Flamingo behavior in Anchorage.  We need to purge ridiculous rules and add a few that will actually make our lives better.

So many things have changed in modern America.  It is wonderful.  Technology and revolutionary social values have opened a myriad of possibilities for new, interesting, and lucrative careers. 

The internet, infinitesimal computer speeds, and artificial intelligence have made it possible for someone to run a billion dollar company with less than five employees.  You simply pass as many of the business functions as possible to your customers and outsource a few to a handful of “pay per transaction” Apps.  If you have something that is in vogue on the internet, your biggest job is sweeping your cash accounts at the end of the day.

The key change in social mores is the total lack of importance of truth and fact.  A recent study asked a thousand Americans what is most important in their lives. Only seven of the thousand listed truth or veracity.  The highest ranking of the seven responses had it listed as thirty second, just behind “a clean birdcage” and “easy opening sardine containers”. 

So society has shifted. Truth is not at all important but “Believability” is.  You have to be believable but you don’t have to be truthful. 

“Your resume indicates that you have an MBA from Wharton but the school cannot verify that you ever attended Penn.”  “Wharton is wrong.  I received that degree in 1978 before computerization of student records.  I assure you that I have the degree.  GPA in the top ten percent.  They are digging through the archives and we will update you when they find the documents.”  This is believable.  Say it five times and it is established fact.

Some people are much better at fabricating plausible explanations than others.  I happen to be very good at it.  As a result, I have embarked on a career as a Believability Consultant.  I am charging clients $300 an hour to do things like this.

A CEO called me and said he was taking heat about executive bonuses in his publicly traded company. Some thought the Initial Public Offering was a rouse simply targeted to lining the pockets of the founder with the IPO proceeds.  “Your company has not shown a profit since it went public five years ago, yet you have paid maximum bonuses to you and three senior officers for each of those years.  All three are siblings.  Is this appropriate and ethical?”  My believable response was, “Absolutely! We are in a highly competitive business.  I need to have people I can rely on making key decisions.  I don’t know anyone better than my immediate family.  So I appointed them to the senior officer roles.  Do we deserve the bonuses?  Certainly!  It is much more difficult to run a struggling enterprise than a profitable enterprise.  Without the leadership and effort of the four of us, we may have been facing bankruptcy.  The bonuses were earned by well targeted strategies and hard work.”  My consulting paid off this time.  A year later the IPO money ran out.  The company filed for bankruptcy and the family was able to keep, without protest, more than $100 million in aggregated bonuses.     

Another client had this challenge.  “Senator, why is that you have gold bars stitched into your overcoat?”  My believable response was, “As you know, I am on the National Parks Committee in the US Senate.  To do the best possible job, I frequently visit many of these fine facilities.  Several years ago, I toured Mount Washington in New Hampshire.  This is the windiest location on the planet.  They have recorded winds in excess of 230 mile per hour.  I changed my diet and put on thirty pounds before the visit.  Notwithstanding, I took the additional precaution of adding weight to my outer wear to prevent being blown off the mountain.  Of course one of the heaviest materials, by volume, is gold.  I actually considered uranium which is notably heavier but the Atomic Energy Commission vetoed my request for the element.  The overcoat worked perfectly.  In spite of sub hurricane force winds, I am here to talk with you today.  Since the garment was so effective, I keep it in my closet for future visits to wind prone areas.”  Bloviate that six or seven times and it becomes gospel.   

A young executive retained me to respond to an inquiry from her boss about possible sexual misconduct.  “Did you have a romantic trist with your administrative assistant?” “No!” “Why did you spend the weekend with him at the Ritz?” “NatGeo wanted my opinion on their new series ‘Aardvarks on Parade’.  I always live up to my subscriber responsibilities.  I got behind in my viewership and reviews.  So I asked Marvin to sit with me and take notes while I binge watched 14 episodes. It was a lot of work in one weekend.”

In 2024, no one worries about veracity or facts.  They just don’t count.  All that matters is a plausible explanation.  For many, it is hard to come up with a solution.  Some of us are incredibly gifted at crafting believable scenarios.  Who will ever forget “That depends on what the definition of is is.”  Fortunately for my consulting practice, many are not gifted in the ways of believability.  So they hire me.     

I will tell you that my Believability Consulting practice has been wildly successful.  This statement may be true or false.  It doesn’t matter, however, because it is believable and I have reported it to more than five people.