From a consumer perspective, Weber is the perfect American company. 

In 1951 George Stephens, a sheet metal fabricator in Chicago, crafted the first Weber Kettle Grill.  George was part owner of the Weber Brothers Metal Works and he liked to grill.  He took the top and bottom parts of metal buoys the company made for marine enterprises and fashioned a kettle grill for his personal use.  He made some for his friends, then he sold some to his friends, then he started to sell a lot of them to everybody.  He tweaked and improved things until he created the classic Weber Kettle.  The kettle has changed little over the last sixty years.

The Metal Works was a family owned and operated business that was founded in 1893.  Based on the extraordinary products and services they offer, I am not surprised that they are thriving 131 years later.

Every August, I batten down the hatches in Jacksonville and get ready for a three month move to Ann Arbor.  I really do tie a lot of things down.  We spend the most active part of hurricane season away from our house in Ponte Vedra.  So, I try to get everything ready for whatever hurricanes may pass by in our absence.  A key part of the preparation is anchoring all of my barbecue equipment and outdoor furniture.  The tables and chairs go in to the garage but the Traeger pellet smoker and Weber Summit grill stay tied down on the Lanai.  They both weigh around 200 pounds so I don’t like to move them very far.

This year, I decided to give them a thorough cleaning and that started me thinking about what a great company Weber is.  I burned all of the grease accumulation out of the inside of Summit and cleaned and polished the stainless steel outside.  When I finished, the grill was close to new in both appearance and operation. All eight of the burners work perfectly, the stainless steel was totally rust free and perfectly polished.

Why is this a big deal?  This grill is at least 25 years old and has been pounded extensively by me and my brother in law, Dennis Gray.  Dennis is a world class barbecuist and he used the Summit for many years in Chicago.  It stayed on his patio in all four seasons.  He and Connie moved to Florida.  His new home included a fabulous outdoor kitchen so he gave this magnificent piece of equipment to me.  It was one of the finest gifts I have ever received.  So I have grilled, smoked, rotisseried, or fried at least two tons of barbecue on this grill over the last five years.  Dennis has easily prepared another ten tons.  The grill went through Chicago winters and, probably worse, salt air at the beach house.  After 25 years, it springs back to new condition with a two hour cleaning.

I am a man who knows barbecue equipment.  I have owned more than 75 different smokers and grills.  Charcoal, gas, and electric.  Nothing has performed like the Weber Summit and nothing has come close to the longevity of this grill.  So I think, “Well, that’s a Weber for you.”

“That’s a Weber for you.”  These people have been providing such outstanding products for so many years that we have come to expect the very best from them.  We take it for granted.  Making quality products is not an accident.  It is a business philosophy.  Weber has incredible empathy.  They put themselves in the shoes of their customers and they make things that best satisfy the needs of everyone who uses them.  If it isn’t outstanding, it doesn’t make it to the market place.

How many Weber products do I currently own?  I have three different kettle grills: an eighteen inch model, the classic 22 inch kettle and a forty year old 25 inch kettle.  I have three Weber Smokers: two 18 inch models and a 22 inch beast that can smoke twelve racks of ribs.  Of course, I have the Summit propane grill.  I have given away more Weber smokers and grills than I currently own.  To the best of my knowledge, all but one of the Weber products I have ever purchased is still in use.  I bought a classic Kettle for my lake house in 1990.  It stayed on the deck for 25 years and the leg supports finally rusted out after a lot of hurricane seasons.  This was the only Weber I ever took to the junk yard.

In addition to the grills, I currently own twenty or thirty Weber accessories.  Rib racks, fish racks, rotisseries bars, griddles, Bluetooth thermometers, etc.  The designers at Weber put themselves in the weekend pit master’s seat and rolled out some very useful equipment.

The Weber “Deluxe Poultry Roaster” is a great example of the way Weber develops products.  Many years ago an innovating barbecuist stuck a chicken on an open can of beer and smoked it.  The chicken was very moist and flavorful.  Beer in the butt chicken became the rage.  It is a little difficult to get the chicken off the beer can, especially when everything is about 200 degrees Fahrenheit.  So different entrepreneurs developed “Beer in the butt” tools.  You could buy a little rack that held the beer and chicken in place on the grill and made it easier to remove the chicken for carving.  These accessories would set you back five to fifteen bucks.  So the Weber engineers go to work.  They develop a holder that captures the juices from the chicken, controls the moisture content, makes it very easy to remove for carving, is non stick and dishwasher safe.  The process using the Weber tool is easier.  The results are perfect and very consistent.  Clean up is as easy as possible.  For this, Weber will charge you $49.  I own four of these things.  I often do chickens two at a time and I have a house in Michigan and a house in Florida.  I use them a lot, not because they are Webers but because they make the best chicken.

Weber support is fantastic.  For example, I needed a grate for my 25 inch kettle.  I called product support and they asked me if the kettle was purchased before or after 1998.  I replied that it was made somewhere in the mid 1980’s.  “Okay, the pre ‘98 kettles are a slightly different diameter.  We will have it to you in a couple of days.”  They have not made that grill since 1998 but they had a replacement grate to ship me in 2023.  They know that we are still using these kettles after 40 years and the grates can’t hold up forever.  So they make and stock replacements.   I wonder if my great, great grand daughter will still be able to get a replacement when she is using my 25 incher in 2077?

Finally, Weber grilling and smoking instructions are spectacular.  Their R&D team includes some of the best barbecue chef’s in the country. When you knock off a day to make some barbecue, you want the results to be noteworthy.  I want my guests to grab me by the lapels and demand to know how they can smoke ribs like these.  More importantly, I want to be able to make ribs, for my own personal consumption, that are exquisite.  I considered it a complete victory when my friend Bubba said, “These may be the best ribs since Eve.”  There are a lot of steps involved in making World Class Barbecue.  Maintaining the grills and smokers can be complex and the recipes can be very involved.  Not only does Weber have staff who can answer questions about these things, they have compiled 15 to 20 volumes of instructions and cookbooks.  Every time I have created a meal using one of these manuals, the results were excellent. 

Another great example of Weber empathy.  Using a classic Weber smoker, my smoking time for excellent pulled pork is 14 hours.  That is a challenge.  If I am having guests for a feast at 7:00 PM, I have to start firing up the smoker at 4:00 AM.  I bought the “Weber Greatest Hits” cookbook and they have a recipe for pulled pork that required 9-10 hours.  If you are in a barbecue contest, you’re up all night anyway.  However, for personal consumption, starting at 4:00 AM is pretty inconvenient.  The Weber Chefs recognized the problem and went to work.  The recipe in the book uses the same smoking temperature as mine. How can we get the internal temperature of the pork shoulder to 195 four hours sooner?  The cookbook calls for injecting the pork shoulder with a mixture of apple juice and other things.  In essence, the cooking and tenderizing is accelerated as the marinade heats up inside the roast.  I followed the steps and prepared perfect pulled pork in 10 hours.  No change in taste.  Just 4 hours less smoking time. That means I can get started at 7:30 AM.  Thanks to Weber skill and empathy, we are eating a lot more pulled pork these days.           

So way back in 1952 when George Stephens decided that he could make and sell a pretty good grill, Weber forged a commitment to provide the best possible solutions to their customers.  72 years later they are still following that business plan.  It may take a little more time and the products may be more expensive but let’s put the best stuff in the hands of our patrons. Don’t you wish that every American Company followed that business strategy?   

I know that if I am ever in need of a marker buoy, my first call will be to Weber, Inc.

One sunny day in June of 1957, Kenny Scodeller pounded on my front door.  I answered and he said.  “Get your baseball glove, you’re going to work!”  Ken was a local celebrity on Miner Street and one of the funniest people I ever met.  He was a great athlete at St. Thomas, graduating in 1956.  Now he was a starter on Western Michigan’s baseball team and had aspirations to play pro ball. 

I was in awe.  What did this superstar have in mind for his ten year old neighbor?  Ken said, “I am playing center field for the Ann Arbor Travelers and we need a batboy.  We are practicing at West Park in 15 minutes and you are going with me to start a new career.”  I grabbed my mitt and we started the three block trek to the baseball diamond at West.

The Travelers are a great Ann Arbor story.  Three Ann Arborites formed a semi professional baseball team to compete in the Michigan region of the National Baseball Congress.  Russ McCalla was the principal owner and Head Coach.  Dick Hager was part time second baseman and full time assistant coach, and John Dudley was the business manager.         

All three simply loved baseball.  They wanted to field a team of very talented players that could entertain the Ann Arbor fans two or three times a week during the summer at West Park.  And the players were very good.  There were young players like Kenny and Pete Donovich, on their way up in the baseball world.  Playing college ball or looking for an opportunity to sign a minor league contract.  There were veterans who had played at the double A and triple A level and just wanted to stay in the game a little longer.  It was a great mix of people.  Farmers, factory workers, business executives, college kids and a Doctor.  Some young, some old but all had outstanding baseball skills.  All were equal on the team and they were only interested in playing and winning baseball games.  In the fifties and sixties, the Travelers were the best baseball team in town, including the University of Michigan.

The fans responded with a loyal group of 100 to 200 people for most of the home games.

“Semi pro” is probably a bad description for the Travelers.  No one sold tickets to the home games.  We passed the hat for donations from the fans.  The team would earn prize money for finishing high in the State Tournament and for doing well in the National Tournament in Wichita Kansas if they won the State.  None of the players were actually paid but the owners covered all of the equipment expenditures and most of the travel expenses. Financially, it was a losing enterprise for the three owners.

Why the strange team name?  John Dudley came up with the name because we really had to travel to find opponents.  We played Peterson Tire in Mansfield Ohio, Sullivans Furniture in Grand Rapids. We played teams in Vermontville Michigan, Ionia Michigan, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo and Tecumseh Ontario.  We played the Jackson prison team. Obviously we only played them on their field.  Always a home game for them and they always had a loud boisterous crowd for support.   On a short trip, we played a team in Wyandotte.  They had a high school kid in left field named Willie Horton.  He hit two 400 foot home runs to beat us.

Coach McCalla explained my duties at the first practice.  He said, “You are fully in charge of the bats.”  Big responsibility for a ten year old.  Before the season started, each player selected a couple of bats that suited their swings.  Each game we set up a bat rack in front of the dugout.  We had about 25 bats.  Mostly Louisville Sluggers with a few Adirondacks.  Both bat makers would model the bats after the ones actually used by major league players.  Nellie Fox had a huge handle and a medium barrel.  Mickey Mantle had a thin handle and huge barrel. Harmon Killebrew had a 36 inch bat that weighed about eighty pounds. I carefully set them up so that the players could easily identify them when they were moving to the on deck circle.  Russ said, “Two things are very important here.  Never set the bats up with the handles crossed and never start to put the bats back in the bag before the last out of the game. Either of those two situations will guarantee that we lose the contest.  When someone hits the ball, you need to go up and retrieve the bat without getting involved in the play.  You are also in charge of foul balls.  This isn’t the majors and I can’t afford to toss out a new ball every time someone fouls one off.”  Foul ball responsibility trumped bat retrieval responsibilities.  When one went in to the stands or the weeds I had to bring it back.  Coach said that he needed to get me a uniform.  What number did I want?  I asked for 37 which was the number for my favorite center fielder, Jimmy Piersall.

In game conditions, this job required your full attention.  In fact, on the “danger scale”, being a batboy in the fifties was right up there with bull fighting and capping oil well fires.  I stationed myself just outside the on deck circle.  I needed to be sure that the on deck batter didn’t conk me when he was warming up.  I had to watch every pitch because occasionally someone would send a line drive foul ball straight at me. If it was a pop foul, the catcher or first baseman could run me through the backstop.  In addition, I had to pay close attention to the play on the field to make sure that I would not be run over or smacked by a throw to home plate when I was collecting the bat.

We had a lot of colorful players on the team.  The most passionate player was Denny Fitzgerald.  Denny played third base or catcher. He was the last University of Michigan football player to play without a face mask.  Fitz was a great role model for everyone.  Everything he did was at full throttle.  He was a letterman on Michigan’s wrestling team. He was a marine. He chased every foul ball with the same ferocity as his 99 yard Rose Bowl kickoff return. 

George Pratt was an outstanding pitcher for many years.  George had an incredible technique for dropping down a bunt.  He was always the last batter in the lineup.  As the pitcher, everyone assumed he would not swing at a few pitches in hopes of getting on base with a walk.  For the first pitch, he would stand in the batter’s box holding the bat on his shoulder with one hand.  His left hand was down at his side, nowhere near the bat.  The fielders relaxed knowing that George was going to take the first pitch.  The pitcher simply threw a strike down the middle of the plate.  With one hand, George would drop the bat and often hit the pitch with a perfect bunt.  This took incredible eye hand coordination but George could do it.  The defense was flat footed and if the ball was out of reach for the catcher, he would easily scamper to first base.    

Jim Miller was another player with a very unusual talent.  Jim was truly ambidextrous and he was a pitcher.  On some occasions, he would pitch to the right handed hitters with his right hand and the left handed hitters with his left hand.  One Saturday, we were short of pitchers.  Jim pitched a double header.  The first game he threw with his right hand and won.  The second he threw with his left hand and won.

Our nemesis in Michigan was Sullivans Furniture.  They had talent.  A couple of their guys were on the Detroit Tigers taxi squad.  Usually, the squad members were called up to play a game or two in the majors every year.  They were that good. The NBC State Tournament was a double elimination event.  Half the time we were playing Sullivans for the title. 

One year we were playing the dreaded Furniture team for the State Championship.  A trip to the National Championship in Wichita was on the line.  Sullivans had a four run lead after eight innings.  If they retired us in the top of the ninth, they were the champs.  Unbelievably, before we went to bat, I noticed that they had put their bats back in the bat bag, anticipating that the game was over.  Coach McCalla noticed this as well and said to me “We can’t lose. Just watch!”.  Exactly as the coach predicted, we rallied for six runs and shut down Sullivans in the bottom of the ninth.  “Never incur the curse of early bat bagging!”

So spring is coming to Michigan again.  I wish I could resume my batboy duties for the Travelers one more time.  The revitalized baseball diamond at West Park isn’t much different than the original field. I’m sure that there are a dozen players today as enthusiastic and talented as the group we fielded in the 50’s. What could be better than spending a spring day with twelve people who simply love to play baseball?  I might be a little slow in running down the foul balls but I could do everything else without getting hurt.  I spent a great five years with the team.  No doubt they taught me a lot about baseball that few ten year olds would ever learn.  More importantly, they showed me that following your passion is one of the best things you can do in life.             

I had a very unusual experience at my favorite fast food outlet this morning and I am trying to determine what it means. 

For many years I have used McDonald’s as a key economic indicator.  I don’t review the financial performance.  I don’t care if revenue is up or down.  Profits and market share are not part of the analysis.  The main indicator I use is the response from the person who takes my order at the “drive thru”.  If I can clearly and easily understand the person taking my order, the economy is in trouble.  If the Valedictorian from Penn is working at a fast food franchise until they find a better job, we are in a recession.  Lately, the communications have been mixed.  I have found a few “drive thru” professionals to be very articulate and others completely incomprehensible.  So I figure the economy is treading water.

This morning, however, I had a totally unique experience after ordering a Sausage McMuffin Without the Egg.  The young lady who recorded my order said that the charge would be $2.10 and I could settle the transaction at the first window.  Having lost most of my small bills on golf bets, I had to pay the tab with a twenty.  The pleasant and helpful eighteen year old handed me my change and she said:  “I don’t think this is enough.”   I replied:  “I beg your pardon?” and I counted the change.  It was $15.86.  At this point my CPA background came to the surface and I said:  “You owe me $2.04.”  She replied that she did not have any $1s and offered some quarters.  “Oh crap, I only have two quarters.”  I said: “Okay, we are getting closer. You owe me a buck fifty four.”  “Here, take all the nickels and dimes.”  “You still owe me $.69.”  “I’m sorry, I don’t have it and I can’t pay you.”  I said:  “Hey, don’t worry.  You gave it your best shot.  However it is 8:15 in the morning.  How are you going to settle up with the other cash paying customers you encounter today?  You don’t have any money!”  She replied, “It is going to be a long day.”

Wow!  The world’s largest fast food company ran out of money.  How could this happen and what does it mean?  This is something that I never expected from my key economic barometer. In addition, this is something I never encountered before in the United States or anywhere else.  I spent a lot of time in Trinidad, a truly third world country, and never found a merchant that could not give me the right change.  To say that this makes the United States look like a third world country is an insult to Trinidad.  The Trinnies always paid their debts.

Is this a Micro economic problem or a Macro issue? 

It definitely is a Micro problem.  At least one McDonalds can’t give change to their customers.  I assume they pasted a sign in the window that says “We only accept Credit Cards” after my transaction.     

Unfortunately, it may be a macro economic issue.  Perhaps a lot or most of the Golden Arch franchises in the United States are out of money.  They address the sales issue by going “All Credit Card” but that has a lot of ancillary challenges.  For McDonalds, there is a clearing delay in processing Credit Cards and a fee from the bank that reduces their income.  Sure they can execute the current sale but they have a delay in getting their cash and they won’t get as much.  If they have a problem with their margins (the difference between the $2.10 sales price for a sausage McMuffin and the cost of making the delectable treat) things will only get worse as time passes. 

Certainly, McDonalds is feeling the impact of higher costs.  When food prices went up with inflation, they increased for you, me and Mickey D’s as well.  Then, the minimum wage increased and some very large states require a living wage for all fast food employees.  In the past, many of these jobs were part time positions for students and others who enjoyed the additional income.  A high schooler could work a few hours a week and fund his or her entertainment budget.  This seemed to work for everyone.  With the $20 an hour requirement, total wages went up but actual work hours declined.  When a $20 wage became a requirement, the fast food outlets countered by reducing staff to the bare minimum and they crunched their profit margins as much as possible.  Some vendors are reducing the number of full time employees by cutting back the number of hours everyone works. In most states, part time employees are not entitled to the same benefits as full time workers.  Paying less for benefits is a partial offset to the financial impact of higher hourly wages. 

Why doesn’t McDonalds simply adjust the sales price to their traditional profit margins?  Because a lot of their diners can’t pay the higher price. Their customers could afford stopping by on the way home and buying dinner for four for $25 dollars but they can’t afford stopping by for $50.  With the increased cost, perhaps the breakeven point for McDonalds on that order is $45 dollars. In fact, the cost increases may have driven a lot of families to peanut butter sandwiches. So a franchise in Sacramento may really be up against it.  Smaller profit margins and fewer sales.    

On a macro basis, the switch to “Credit Cards Only” also has a very negative impact on the buying power of the US consumer.  Before the jump in inflation three years ago, 60% of Americans were living “paycheck to paycheck”.  Every dollar they earned, they needed to spend to support themselves and their families.  When inflation hit, they suddenly did not have enough income to pay the bills.  There was a small rise in income but it was much less than the rise in inflated cost.  So, many of us rang up credit card debt to make it through the month.  There really were not a lot of options and we hoped the price increases were temporary.  Over the three year period, the percentage increase declined but prices were still rising.  Nothing got cheaper and the increased cost for the three years was around 20%.  The 60% living “paycheck to paycheck” find themselves getting farther behind each month and it isn’t getting any better. 

According to Forbes, the average interest rate for credit cards, in the US on July 29, 2024, is 27.62%.  When I charge $50 at McDonalds and put it on the card, the cost of the meal just increased 27.62% or $13.81.  That dinner that set me back $25 a few years ago just cost me $63.81.  What choice did I have?  I don’t have the fifty bucks and we need to eat.  After two years of my income falling short of my expenses, I have now maxed out my credit cards.  I can only pay the minimum and I have reached the limit on all my cards.  Where do I get the money to pay the cards?  I take an early withdrawal from my IRA account.  This tacks on a 10% tax penalty and the distribution is taxable to me.  Assuming I am in the 24% tax bracket, my meal is another 34% more expensive, raising the total cost to $85.51.  The real cost of my dinner has gone from $25 a few years ago to $85.51 today. 

Even worse, I am simply making minimum payments and I am going to have the same problem at the end of next month.

An equally bad outcome is that I am taking a big chunk out of my retirement savings.  The IRA mathematics works beautifully if you start contributing early and compound earnings in your account for many years.  By paying my credit card bills out of my IRA, I am destroying the ultimate value of my IRA savings.  Anyone who does this for a few years, very likely, will have to work well beyond the 67 year retirement age.

There are a lot of people in this boat.  Remember, before the inflation debacle started, 60% of Americans were living “paycheck to paycheck”.

How does this turn around? Suffice to say, it is very unlikely that prices will ever decline.  The best we can hope for is that they stop going up.  If prices stabilize and wages go up, we can get to “paycheck to paycheck” again.  Hopefully, many will progress past that point.

So, many of us are not feeling better when our politicians tell us the economy is great.  For us it is simple.  I ratcheted my credit cards to the max and I am hitting my retirement accounts.  Nothing is cheaper and it isn’t getting better for me.  Most of us have not run through the process of computing the real cost of inflation but we absolutely feel it at the end of each month when we pay the bills.

McDonalds continues to be my best economic indicator.  I was taken aback when I found that they ran out of money this morning.  I only hope the next time I order a Quarter Pounder With Cheese that the most recent Rhodes Scholar is not the person telling me, in the Queens English and with perfect timber and diction, to “Pay at the first window and please remember, we only accept credit cards.” 

Artificial Intelligence is “The theory and development of systems able to perform tasks that normally require human intelligence.”

Artificial Intelligence has changed my life.  Stephen Hawking believed that Artificial Intelligence would be the end of mankind.  I disagree. Without Artificial Intelligence, I would need to be in an Assisted Living Facility.

Somehow, as a young man, I made my way through life without any help. I woke up, showered, shaved, put on the suit and tie and made it to work with no external prompts.  I attacked the challenges of the day, made money for my employer, and accelerated through a career with my own native intelligence.  

There were the occasional blips.  As a software sales professional, I once stepped off an airplane in Philadelphia and had no idea why I was there.  I bought the ticket so there must be someone I needed to call on but I had no idea who it might be.  My client base were insurance companies.  There are a lot of them in Philadelphia and I was doing business with most of them. I called my Administrative Assistant in Atlanta who read the alphabetical lists of insurers in the city of brotherly love.  When she got to Colonial Penn, my native intelligence kicked in and I was back on track.

Now that I am retired, there are no occasional blips.  Everything is a blip.  So I have designed a number of creative, Artificial, tools that help me function at a fairly competent level.  The primary tool is the list.  At some point in my life, I found that I was a lot more productive if I started each day with a simple list of the five most important things to do that day. 

            Haircut

            Set up Golf with John

            Fertilize Citrus

            Find a Cure for Cancer

            Make Spaghetti Sauce

When I was young, I would easily remember these simple goals.  Now, after several “I thought you were making dinner.” comments quickly followed by “We are not having pizza again!”  I have employed the great AI List Tool.  Properly utilized, AI memory keeps me functioning as a competent adult.  There are two important criteria.  First, I need to put the task on the list.  Second, I must read the list at least every hour during the day.  Both of these functions require training and discipline.  I rarely hear the “NO PIZZA!” comment any more.  

As native intelligence winds down, my reliance on Artificial Intelligence has expanded.  I now have at least four lists going at all times.  One on the kitchen counter, one in the office, one on the bedroom dresser, and one in the car.  They all have different purposes that roughly relate to their locations.  The kitchen list is food oriented (menu plan, grocery list, etc.),  the car list has a lot of destinations (Walmart, Publix, Poker Parlor), the bedroom list has broad goals (find a solution to the federal debt problem, research Toronto vacation, etc.).  Usually one or more of the lists will have a task that says “Go look at the list on the dresser” or “Add this to the list in the car”.        

I am thankful that breathing is an involuntary brain function.  Otherwise, I might forget to put it on the list and I would be dead.      

Although my wife and I are retired, we have above average complexity in our lives.  We live in two different homes in Florida and spend football season in Ann Arbor Michigan.  We orchestrate at least seven world class tailgates each year.  We both enjoy cooking.  I have a passion for barbecue and frequently create dinner for 20 – 30 friends.  So now the artificial intelligence expands to include “To/From” lists to move equipment and supplies between locations, timelines for preparing barbecue feasts, and equipment lists for the diverse tailgates.  Even a healthy idiot savant could not keep track of all the variables involved in these activities.     

Through the wonders of Artificial Intelligence (often using Microsoft Word and Excel), we cope.

I know I am “losing it”.  I only take four pills a day but I have to rely on the old people’s pill organizer from CVS (a great Artificial Intelligence tool) to avoid omissions and duplications.  I have Bunn Coffee Makers in all three homes.  When I am gone for a while, I clean them and run five pots of water through each to ensure the reservoirs are clean and fresh.  This takes about a half hour and, invariably, I lose count of how many pots I have run.  Perhaps, I am analyzing one of my seventeen lists.  The coolest AI tool I have helps me with this process.  When I pour a pot of water in the Bunn, I put a sugar packet on the counter.  When I get to five packets, I’m done.  My wife watched me do this and failed to see the brilliance of the technique.  Fortunately, I passed the subsequent mental competency test.

Karel Capek and Stephen Hawking may be concerned about Artificial Intelligence taking over the world.  I am not.  In fact, AI is the only thing keeping me functioning at a somewhat adult level.  I know that someday my children are going to prop me up in a corner and shoot food at me with a slingshot.  Thanks to Artificial Intelligence I’m not there yet.   

Some professions are a little sensitive to criticism.  Gourmet chefs never want to hear you say that the Beef Wellington is simply “okay”.  That comment can win you a quick trip out the front door with a ramekin of au jus on your head.  Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like a pancake, never tell a Sumo wrestler that they seem to be a little chubby.  Strangely, one of the more sensitive groups of professionals are road commissioners.  In general, they feel they are always being maligned.  One pot hole, or a slow response to a 24 inch snow storm and they are besieged with complaints.  If the city’s streets are not flawless, they hear about it. They have developed the perfect revenge to these grievances.  It is called “Road Construction”.  

In fact every year the National Association of City, State and County Road Commissioners hold an annual convention where they honor the programs that have been most effective in sticking it to the whiny drivers in their jurisdictions.  The conference is called “Designing Exceptional Travel On Unfinished Roads” or “DETOUR”. 

Here are some highlights on the 2024 convention.

During the keynote address, the President, pointed out that the Granddaddy of all “settling the score” projects was the Big Dig.  This massive construction project was orchestrated by the Massachusetts Highway Department.    It hit all of the important points.  The budgeted cost was $2.8 billion.  The actual cost was $8.1 billion.  The project was targeted to finish in five years.  It took fifteen years and then required extensive reworking because the design and materials were flawed.  In essence, the citizens of Boston could get around the city faster by rickshaw than by automobile for a full fifteen years.  Very likely, no road commission construction project will ever rival the performance of the City of Boston and State of Massachusetts. 

Notwithstanding, there are several outstanding performances in 2023 that have earned recognition with the coveted “DETOUR” award.    

These road construction efforts rival the spirit of the Big Dig if not the financial impact.

The first DETOUR award goes to the road commissioner in Dayton Ohio.

Traffic patterns in Dayton are far less complex than most major American cities.  They don’t have the labyrinth of freeways that we see in Atlanta or the traffic volumes.  In fact, they simply have I-75 running through the middle of the city.  Notwithstanding, they can post world class traffic delays.  The City road commissioner, Hugo Slow, has really taken advantage of the attributes Dayton has to inflict pain on motorists.  Geographically, Dayton is a hard city to bypass.  Travelers from Michigan, western Ohio and eastern Indiana are tempted to cruise down I-75 as they head to vacations in the South.  They make it to Dayton and they are trapped.  Hugo has been a master at timing the road construction to maximize the discomfort.  With modern construction techniques, a lot of road work in Dayton could take place in the winter season.  However, Mr. Slow times nearly all the construction to the summer months when leisure travel is at its peak. 

How effective has Dayton been in creating havoc?

My most recent drive through the city flared up a red line on my GPS system with instructions to leave the freeway for an alternative route.  The lines all turned red on the alternative path and it ultimately took an hour and twenty six minutes to traverse eight miles through this Garden spot in Ohio.  Needless to say, I spent much of that time thinking about the performance of Hugo Slow, the longtime Dayton Road Commissioner.

These delays are not new to Dayton.  Since 1974, I have been travelling from Ann Arbor Michigan to Jacksonville Florida three or four times each year.  Without exaggeration, I-75 has been under constant construction in Dayton Ohio for the entire fifty year stretch. 

The second DETOUR Trophy is awarded to Jacksonville Florida.

Jacksonville has a number of outstanding opportunities to show complexity in their highway systems.  Two major Interstates intersect in the city.  A massive river flows through the town and makes at least four major turns as it works its way to the Atlantic Ocean.  There are only seven bridges over the St. John’s and they are all significant edifices. Finally, the population of the city is exploding putting a lot of pressure on highway systems that worked well for 800,000 people but not so well for 1,500,000.  Jacksonville is a critical gateway into Florida.  Tourists driving to the theme parks in Orlando from the east coast of the United States pass through Jacksonville.  In addition, tourists seeking the offerings of Tampa, St. Pete and the west coast of the state also traverse the city.

So Jacksonville offers a lot of angst for motorists without any intervention from the road commission.  Nevertheless, the Duval County Road Commissioner, Seymour Klosures, has been masterful in enhancing the frustration of driving through this fine city.  There is a very critical intersection of two interstates in Jacksonville.  The eastern terminus of I-10 intersects with I-95 right at the St. Johns River and pretty much right downtown in the city.   Three of the seven bridges over the river are woven in to this intersection.

First, the commissioner has ensured continuous road construction at this juncture for more than thirty years.  He has been brilliant in changing traffic patterns, eliminating lanes and adding lanes randomly and unannounced.   

Second the signage for the traffic patterns is terrible.  Even lifelong residents of the city frequently find themselves being routed off I-95 and I-10 onto strange and obscure roads.  After a week or so when a driver begins to understand the new patterns, commissioner Klosures changes them.

You can easily blow an hour or two trying to traverse Jacksonville during spring break.  Kudos to commissioner Seymour Klosures.

Finally, we have a lifetime achievement award for Ann Arbor Michigan

For years, the Washtenaw County Road Commission and the city of Ann Arbor have teamed up to make it very challenging for citizens and visitors to navigate this Michigan city.  Ann Arbor is a small community but they have a long history of impairing the ability of their citizens to drive around the town.  The obstacles have been very creative and very effective.  

For example, the University of Michigan hosts seven or eight football games in the Big House every season.  110,000 people flock to Ann Arbor for each of those events.  Every year, since 1952, the road commission has managed to initiate a significant construction project on, at least, one of the four main arteries to the stadium.  We talked with the current Washtenaw County Road Commissioner, Hugh Otto Staeholme, about the 2020 project.  According to Mr. Staeholme, the record evacuation time for exiting stadium occurred after the 1956 Ohio State game.  Primarily because of a blizzard, it took 3 ½ hours to travel two miles from the stadium to I-94.  Ever since, the road commission has focused on projects targeted to breaking that record.  “I thought we had it in the bag in 2020.” Said Staeholme.  “We narrowed Main Street, then a four lane road, down to two lanes with an urgent curb cleaning project.  Orange barrels for two full miles from the stadium to downtown.  This would have worked and then we were hit with a Covid outbreak.  No fans in the stadium and no highway backups.  Phooey!”

Ann Arbor holds the national record for the highest number of simultaneous detours.  Last fall, I was stopped at Hill Street and State Street.  The road commission had posted routing signs for five different Detours.  Arrows pointed in all possible directions.  One for the South Bound State Detour, one for the North Bound State Detour, one for East Bound Packard, one for South Bound Fourth and a final one for East Bound Williams.

In 2019, Ann Arbor won the award for being the most potholed city in the world.  They barely edged out Beirut and Port Au Prince Haiti.  Ann Arbor has always been pot hole challenged.  A lot of the potholes are bad.  Potential axle breakers.  Some are big enough to eat small cars.  I passed one on Traver Road that had two people rock climbing out of it.  So while you are negotiating all of the other traffic challenges in Ann Arbor you constantly have to be evaluating the danger threat of the next hundred feet of potholes.  All artfully designed by Hugh Otto Staeholme.

Finally, the road commissioner and city officials devised a plan to further frustrate citizens and visitors.  They converted five or six streets to one lane roads by adding massive bike lanes and parking lanes on each side of the road.  Although only one lane is available to cars and trucks, the streets remain two way streets.  You have to be thinking about the road commissioner when you back up two hundred feet to the first available driveway in order to let a car coming from the opposite direction pass.

So clearly, Ann Arbor deserves this life time achievement award.  They have consistently focused on maximizing the frustration of drivers in their city for many, many years.  Their schemes have been brilliant and effective. 

DETOUR 2024 was another huge success.  The hard work and ingenuity of the all of America’s road commissioners was on full display.  There were hundreds of examples of the thin skinned City, County and State officials striking back at whiny citizens. 

Always remember, if you complain about the job they are doing, you will see the dreaded Road Construction signs.  Perhaps for years on end.

It appears that the 2040 election is going to run true to form.  Much like the 2036 election debacle, we don’t expect the results to be decided by the Supreme Court any sooner than October 2041. It just isn’t possible for 313 Supreme Court Justices to make a decision on the hundreds of lawsuits in less than 11 or 12 months. 

For the third time in 20 years, the Speaker of the House will assume the role of President until a decision is made by the Court.  We are still paying for the results of temporary Speaker leadership in the past.  In 2029, Speaker George Santos issued an executive order allowing any Republican lawmaker from the State of New York to use up to 93% of their campaign funds for personal expenditures. In addition, he reinstituted construction of the Keystone pipeline.  The contract was awarded to MAGA Builders, Inc. which appears to be 97% owned by elected Republican officials.  In 2039, Speaker Pelosi ordered that all Americans are entitled to unlimited quality ice cream at no cost.  Ironically, her husband owns the Marie Antoinette Creamery that provides the high quality product (at $20 per pint) to the federal government.

Clearly, the challenge of adding up votes is magnified by the addition of 107 states since 2020.  It started with Puerto Rico, Washington DC, and Guam in 2021.  During the next cycle, to rebalance the Senate, the Republicans added the Bering Islands, Galapagos, Greater Nepal, Easter Island, and Stonehenge (generously approved by Boris Johnson).

The final element of complexity is the diverse voting regulations adopted by 157 independent states.  In 2028, California passed the Clairvoyant Voting Act which stipulates that the citizens of California can submit their qualified votes by mental telepathy.  Unfortunately, there is a dearth of qualified individuals to receive the brain to brain transfers and, even though the votes are legally cast by election day, the panel of Kreskins cannot aggregate the total in less than six months.  70 other states have embraced this form of voting and they all have the same receptor problem.  As a result, these 71 states are the last to report their vote totals.  Very often, this last minute tabulation swings the election results from the Republican candidate to the Democratic candidate.  Of course the lawsuits begin immediately after the 157 states finalize their results.   

The Government Accounting Office estimates that the 314 members of the Senate spend 96% of their time approving Supreme Court Justices and ratifying new states. The Executive Branch is also time challenged.  They are not in place for a year after the election which pretty much puts them in a mode of immediate preparation for the upcoming midterm election.

Meanwhile, the government printing press is running at top speed.  Governmental spending is 87% of the Gross National Product.  The liberals point out that, as long as you can print dollars you will always prosper.  The Federal Reserve, however, is a little concerned about the inflation rate creeping up to 638%.     

Throughout history, man has extoled the virtues of moderation.

According to the Oxford Reference, the Greek Poet, Hesiod recommended in 700 BC that we “Observe due measure, moderation is best in all things.”  Many years later Herman Melville eloquently noted in Billy Budd that “Yea and Nay, each have their say, but God, he takes the middle way.”  My erudite English teacher taught us that Herman was advising us to stay away from the extreme and follow a moderate path.  In his classic tune, “Straighten Up and Fly Right”, Nat King Cole suggests that you “Cool down, Poppa, don’t you blow your top”. 

I have always been impressed with man’s quest for moderation.  Even as a child I recognized that, because moderation was such a beneficial commodity, we should all strive to get as much of it as possible. 

My best friend in fourth grade lived on the edge of residential development in Ann Arbor.  He had a huge forest behind his house.  There was a lot of construction in the neighborhood.  So Jimmy and I decided to moderately build a tree house.  We fished scraps of lumber from the construction trash piles.  We combed the newly framed houses for bent and discarded nails.  After selecting a sturdy boxelder tree we went to work.  Phase one was a simple platform about ten feet above the ground.  This worked for the two of us on nice sunny Michigan days.  However, realizing that there are less than ten nice sunny days in Michigan each year, we expanded our moderate design.  We added a second floor with a plywood roof, and a third floor because a lot of friends were starting to hang out at the clubhouse.  With the wood roof, it was difficult to read comic books on rainy days.  So we scavenged tar paper and shingles from the trash piles and nailed a very functional roof to the tree house.  Moderation was really picking up steam.  Like all young boys in the fifties, we became huge Rin Tin Tin fans.  We decided that we could make the tree house look like Fort Apache if we surrounded it with a stockade of 20 foot tree logs.  Using Boy Scout hatchets we downed 80-100 trees.  We trimmed all of the branches and buried the logs in a circle around, what now became, a tree fort.  Talk about great moderation!  For years we patrolled the fort with BB guns.  The stockade proved to be excellent protection during chestnut fights that ensued every fall. 

Eventually, Jimmy and I outgrew the tree fort.  We simply quit using the facility but we never took it down.  Today, the three most significant historical sites in Ann Arbor are The Cobble Stone Farm, The Frank Lloyd Wright House on Pill Hill, and The Mike and Jimmy Tree Fort.  

My childhood penchant for substantial moderation stayed with me through adulthood.  In fact, my mantra has become “Moderation is great as long as you can get a lot of it.”   So I migrated to pastimes that had great opportunity for rampant moderation.  Golf and fishing for example.  Any real fisherman has sufficient tackle to switch from fresh water perch fishing to deep water black marlin fishing in minutes as conditions change.  Golf requires constant updating of equipment, physical conditioning, and swing technique.  Springing $1,000 for the new driver that was developed using the remnants of metal found in a crashed alien spacecraft is totally reasonable.

But, perhaps, the best example of leveraging extreme moderation in my life is barbecue.     

I fell in love with barbecue because I love to eat barbecue.  My wife and I spend football season in Ann Arbor Michigan and most of the remainder of our time in Jacksonville Florida.  World Class Barbecue is available but not abundant in Jacksonville.  In Ann Arbor Michigan, great barbecue is sparse.  So to ensure that we can enjoy spectacular fare whenever the urge strikes, I acquired the skill and tools to make excellent smoked meat, fowl and fish on demand.  This has been a pursuit that requires an incredible amount of moderation.     

Creating great barbecue can be simple.  Let’s assume we are preparing a feast of ribs, sausage and barbecue beans.  We go to the big box hardware store, buy a fifty dollar charcoal bullet smoker, a bag of hickory chunks and some charcoal.  We head to our favorite grocery store and pick up two racks of ribs, a commercial pork rub, some hickory flavored baked beans, a few pounds of Italian sausage in casings, and a brand name barbecue sauce.  Friday evening, we put the hickory chunks in a pail of water and season the ribs with the commercial pork rub.  On Saturday, we fire up the smoker, smoke the ribs for about seven hours, smoke the sausage for three hours and put the beans in the oven for an hour.  Certainly, more work than baking a pot roast but not very complex by barbecue standards.  Most importantly, we can enjoy a high quality barbecue feast of ribs, Italian sausage and baked beans.

High quality is nice but I want one of the finest barbecue meals ever prepared on planet earth.  Over the years, applying massive moderation, I have developed and documented procedures to nail spectacular barbecue every time I fire up the smoker.    

If you are truly committed to ultimate moderation, the process goes like this. 

On Thursday, you buy a pork shoulder and three racks of ribs.  You double grind the pork shoulder in your small commercial sausage grinder.  Using the Toledo meat scale that you purchased to make your own sausage, you measure the ground pork into 3 lb lots.  You pull out your custom made, 36 jar, spice rack and measure out the spices required for 3 lbs of Italian sausage and 3 lbs of Kielbasa.  After years of experimentation and tweaking, you have developed unique recipes for both types of sausage.  Two of the spices you use for the sausage, dehydrated orange peel and dehydrated red bell pepper, you manufactured using your small commercial dehydrator.  You form the bulk sausage into smokable rolls using a PVC tool invented by you and your barbecuing friends and you wrap the rolls in cheese cloth.  On Friday evening you soak some hickory chunks in one bucket and apple chunks in another.  You mix up a batch of your award winning pork rub.  You mix up a batch of injectable marinade.  Using the fine needle injection tool purloined by one of your physician friends from a hospital surgery unit, you inject the marinade into the meaty portion of the ribs between each bone.  You season the ribs with the award winning rub and put them in the fridge overnight.   You return to the cupboard and spice rack and mix up a batch of tomato based barbecue sauce and a batch of mustard based barbecue sauce.  Both recipes are proprietary and, again, developed by you after years of experimentation.  On Saturday, you fire up the large Weber smoker.  We could have used the small Weber smoker, Weber kettle or Traeger pellet smoker but we decide on the large Weber.  On Saturday you smoke the ribs for six hours and the sausage for three hours. You are careful to use exactly the precise amounts of hickory and apple wood to create the perfect smoke flavor.  The ideal portions were passed to Christopher Columbus by the Taino Indians when they feted the first visiting Europeans with Barbacoa after their arrival in the New World.  You whip up a batch of “Big Deal” barbecue beans.  You start with basic beans, add a half dozen spices, chopped ham, diced onion, and carefully measured Grand Marnier.  The beans must moderately be baked in a cast iron Dutch oven for an hour at 350 degrees.

It is important to understand that, in keeping with our drive to maximize moderation, I just smoked three racks of ribs and six pounds of sausage for my wife and me.  We certainly had enough for dinner on Saturday but what did we do with the extra fifteen pounds of smoked pork?  After dinner, we cut up the extra two racks of ribs into three bone servings and vacuumed sealed them with our small commercial vacuum sealer.  Similarly we broke the sausage into ¾ lb lots and vacuum sealed them.  The entire larder was then transferred to our freezer.   For the next six months we will pull individual servings of ribs and sausage from the freezer whenever the urge for World Class Barbecue strikes.    

I know you are thinking, is reconstituted barbecue from the freezer very tasty?  It is if it has been vacuum sealed and reconstituted using your small commercial Sous Vide machine.  In fact, you cannot tell the difference between fresh smoked barbecue and barbecue that has been brought back up to temperature in this fashion.

It is hard to imagine a process that employs more moderation than barbecue.  The net result of outrageous moderation is a dozen great barbecue meals.  How can life get better than that?                          

Over time, I have expanded my concept of excessive moderation to include collecting antique clocks and watches.  I still have more than 300 train cars and operating stations from my 1950’s Lionel Train layout.  I have expanded moderation techniques to include all aspects of Tailgating for Michigan football games.

So I am a fanatical practitioner of moderation.  No doubt, Nat, Herman and Hesiod were spot on.   “Observe due measure, moderation is best in all things.”     

According to Wikipedia, in 1546, John Heywood coined the phrase “All’s Well That Ends Well”.  Supposedly, William Shakespeare was a fan of Heywood and that may have resulted in the Bard drafting a play entitled “All’s Well That Ends Well” in 1623. 

So, we have great documentation that, for at least 476 years, mankind can equivocate about the manner in which something is accomplished as long as the outcome is worthwhile.  Perhaps, John and Bill were only referring to overcoming failures along the way in achieving something very positive.  Something like Alexander Graham Bell and Mr. Watson.  Al spills some acid on his leg and calls out “Mr. Watson, come here I want you.”  A serious accident results in the first successful telephonic transmission of the human voice.  All’s well that ends well. 

Or it may have a darker meaning.  As long as you achieve the goal, the method does not matter.  For example, Rosie Ruiz taking the subway to shortcut and win the New York Marathon.  All’s well that ends well.  Okay, it only ended well for Rosie very briefly.  When the CCTV video was reviewed it got pretty unwell.    

My guess is that the concept of the end justifying the means is as old as the human race.  One of the earliest historical examples is construction of the pyramids.  The Pharaohs thought nothing of enslaving an entire nation for fifty or sixty years if the end result was a nice gravesite on the Nile. All’s well that ends well.

I don’t have a lot of experience with “All’s Well That Ends Well” but I do have extensive experience with “All’s Well That Ends”.  In the “… Ends Well.” version, it is a triumph if the end result works as well or better than planned.  In the “… Ends.” Version, it is a success if the project is finally over. 

I have had hundreds of “All’s Well That Ends” experiences in my life.  They may be brief, two to three day projects or huge, multi year, efforts. However, they all have the same characteristics. 

We start them with the loftiest goals. We are positive and excited to bang out a worthwhile project.   

“This morning I am going to hang the beautiful foil wallpaper my wife selected on one dining room wall.  The results will be stunning!”

When we get into the effort, we find it is a lot more complex and time consuming than we initially expected.  

“I’ve hung wallpaper before.  It’s only one wall.  Why is this taking so long?!  Yikes, it is really hard to get the air bubbles out of this foil.”

We lose zeal. 

“I’ve got ten hours into this endeavor and it really looks bad.  None of the internet techniques for removing air bubbles seem to work.  This looks like the work of a three year old.  I wished I had never jumped into this project.

We just try to make the whole assignment go away. 

“Okay, we let the bubbles sit overnight.  They didn’t get any better.  I’m going to have to take this paper down and repaint the wall.  Another mere 12 hours of effort and it will look like I never started this fiasco.

All’s well that ends.

I believe most of my major endeavors on both a personal and business basis fall into the “All’s well that ends” category. 

Another great four phase “All’s well that ends” effort is downsizing.  In 2019 my wife Susan and I moved from a ranch in the country to a small house near the beach.  We transitioned from a 5,500 square foot ranch house with an additional 7,000 square feet of storage in the barn and RV shed to a 2,300 square foot home.

The lofty goals were to give as much as possible to the kids and grand kids.  Sell a lot of stuff with the ranch (the tractor and 30 horsepower zero turn Kubota were not going to be very helpful on the zero lot home at the beach).  Give away as much as possible and send the remnants to the junk yard.

The reality phase was very different.  Amazingly, none of our progeny wanted their grandmother’s 1933 Singer Sewing machine in the solid mahogany case with matching chair or much of anything else.  So the “pass along to the kids” effort did not get rid of much.  Second, you can’t just send everything off without looking at it. 

For some reason, probably because we were push overs that had an unconscionable amount of storage space, Sue and I became the repositories of all the family treasures for both of our families.  At least a hundred boxes of things ranging from pure junk to precious heirlooms.  You can’t blindly toss this stuff.  So we opened and examined all 147 boxes.  We found my grandparent’s wedding rings.  First communion pictures.  Wrist watches, pocket watches, costume jewelry, valuable jewelry.  The process took forever.  Stuff was sorted by definitely save, definitely toss, and maybe/maybe not.  Some things would definitely be distributed to various relatives (eg. first communion pictures).  Others, such as 1940’s photos of our parents drinking beer at fourth of July celebrations and team pictures of the 1935 State Basketball champs could not be tossed. 

I concluded that, when you downsize, you will touch everything you own at least 3 times.         

About 20% into the evaluation process, I lost all of my zeal.  However, we had sold the farm.  The contract required occupancy by the buyer in four short weeks.  So Sue and I drove through sorting everything we owned and stored for our families sixteen hours a day. 

We needed to shift all the things we wanted to keep to the beach house but the beach house was already full of stuff.  So we had to downsize the beach house before we could move the residual downsized stuff from the ranch into the beach house.  The effort was beyond ridiculous. 

For example, I had three rather complete sets of tools.  A big set from the ranch, a nice set at the beach house, and a third set from the lake house we sold a few years ago.  I wisely moved the lake house tools into RV shed and never got around to sorting them out.  So I moved all of the tools into the beach house garage.  I loaded the fridge with diet Dr. Pepper.  I hooked up my Ipod with nine hours of rhythm and blues to a remote speaker in the corner of the garage.  Setting on a folding chair in the middle of the garage I sorted all the tools in keep or toss piles. Finally, I organized the keep pile for easy access.  This took an entire day.  I even blew through all nine hours Motown and Ray Charles.

Sue and I were both feeling very “All’s well that endsish” at this point.  Ultimately, we never really finished the project.  We delayed completion by stuffing unsorted treasures into two storage lockers.  Five years later we are down to one large storage locker but it is fair to say that the downsizing project is still in progress.

“All’s well that ends” but this one is not dead yet.

As noted, I have had hundreds of similar experiences.  Some very long.  Subsequent renovation of the beach house puts the downsizing project in short pants.  Some happen every year such as filing the Federal Tax Return.  Some short, like making barbecue for 50 people at a block party. 

All of them seem to have the same four components.

Makes we wonder if others have had the same experience.  I believe the reason that we don’t have Unicorns today is that Noah ran out of gas.  “Okay, I built the boat following the exact cubit measurements.  I captured two of all kinds of animals.  It’s really starting to rain.  I don’t have it in me to go hunting Unicorns.”

All’s well that ends.        

There are a few things in life that have very clear warning signs.  We should read the signs and avoid these activities.

For example, buying gold and silver from the people who advertise on TV.  I can’t watch five minutes of commercial TV without listening to a commodities guru tell me how incredibly lucrative buying gold and silver will be.  These have to be the dumbest people in the world.  They know that the returns on these commodities will be astronomical but they want to sell all of their gold and silver to me.  Why would anyone sell something that is going to triple in value next year?   Shouldn’t they be advertising that they want to buy all of my gold and silver?  This really puzzles me.  I’m not a commodity expert but I am skeptical that silver will return to its all time high and gold will be $3,000 an ounce later this year.

We should avoid robot calls or phone solicitations from anyone.  I never intentionally answer a robot call.  95 times out of 100, if I don’t have a number in my contact list, I let the call go to voice mail. Very few robot calls make it that far. However, occasionally one shows up with a Mt. Airy area code and exchange indicator. Aunt Flossie lives in Mt Airy.  She is not in great health.  Maybe her neighbor is calling me for some assistance.  So I answer and the debacle begins. 

“Mr. Sinelli, you may not know when you are going to die but you can be certain that you are going to die.  Like most Americans you probably have not prepared for this event and you are about to put all of your loved ones in a very bad spot.  Today, however, is your lucky day.  I can provide you with burial insurance that will lift this impending burden from the shoulders of your dear family members.”  I respond “Are you a licensed insurance agent?”  The caller says “Yes, I am licensed in the State of Florida.”  I say “Don’t you have this a little backward?  You know that I am going to die and you are going to bet $10,000 of Acme American Fiduciary Life and Casualty’s money that I am going to live.”  “Well, it’s insurance.”  “No, it’s a bet.  I bet $50 a month that I am going to die and you bet $10,000 that I won’t.  I think that is a little macabre. I also find betting on my mortality very depressing.   Not only are you making a bad bet for Acme, the stress you are creating for me may be accelerating my demise.  We should end this conversation right now.”  Click.   

“Mr. Sinelli, are you aware that your automobile warranty is about to expire?”  “No, I wasn’t aware of that potential catastrophe.  What car are we talking about?” Caller, “Your current vehicle.”  Me, “The 2015 F 150?”  Caller, “Yeah that’s it.”  Me, “I had no idea that I still had a maintenance policy on the truck.  I sold it two years ago when I moved to the beach.  Now, I don’t even own a car. Several years ago, in a conscious effort to save the planet, I bought a golf cart and that is what I use for all of my transportation needs. Rarely, I will engage public transportation but I never drive a private vehicle other than the golf cart. I keep pretty good records.  Let’s see, I sold the F 150 seven hundred and two days ago.  My five year maintenance warranty premium was $976 dollars, using the monthly proration refund formula authorized by the State of Florida Insurance Commissioner, you owe me $412.  When can I expect the check?”  Caller, “I’m not sure. By the way, would you like a warranty policy on that golf cart?”  Click.       

“Mr. Sinelli, you own a lot of real estate and we want to buy some of it.  Do you want to sell the lot in Putnam County?”  “No, I am anticipating another great depression and I plan on farming that lot.  Are you looking at the plat?  I am going to put the travel trailer in the northeast corner.  The chicken coup is going in the southeast corner.  With three acres I can support a large vegetable garden, three or four pigs and a milk/beef cow.  When the bottom falls out next year don’t stop by.  I will be defending the place, vigorously, against the short sighted people who never prepared for the crash.”  Click.    

My wife Susan offers this great insight.  We were driving the back roads in Georgia enroute to a client in Columbus.  We passed a single wide on a small lot with a sign in front that said “Fortune Teller”.   She said, “I don’t think I would take advice from that person. If they are adept at predicting the future, you would think that they would be living in a more upscale home.  I want to see that sign in front of the 1,000 acre ranch, with the 7,500 square foot house”.  Nothing wrong with living in a single wide but an expert oracle should be able to demonstrate a little more success.  If Elon Musk doesn’t elect to sell his Fortune Telling skills, I’m going to take my advice for the future from the lady who just picked nine straight winners at the horse track and drove there in her Maserati. 

Similar logic applies to the “Get Rich Quick Books”.  If you really know how to make $5 million in the real estate market using other peoples’ money, why would you tell others how to do it?  You could ring up $20 million a year.  Why invite a few thousand people to compete with you for $100,000 in royalties? 

So every day we see a lot of signs that warn us about something or give us sage advice.

I saw an interesting sign in the men’s room of my favorite Bistro.  It says “Employees must wash hands.  If no employees present, please wash your own hands.”

So I am taking my car to the repair shop when the “Check Engine” light comes on.  I am not going to feed the Bears.  I will be cautious about the bridge freezing before the road surface, even in July.  I am going to wash my hands.  I will wear a mask when it is required. I will turn off my cell phone.  I will not get in the express check out lane if I have more than eight items. I will beware of the dog, the snakes, the alligators, free range cattle, buffalo, mosquitos, low flying aircraft, wild hogs, and rabid raccoons.  I am not going to spit into the wind.

In essence, I am going to take my mother’s sage advice.  When the little voice says “Don’t do this!”  I am going to listen to the little voice.  

We just purchased a new automobile.  For our family, that is a notable event.  We tend to find a vehicle that we like and keep it for a long time.  Depending upon our changing transportation needs, we have owned a diverse array of vehicles.  We drove conversion vans when we toted our daughter’s forensic team around the country, one ton pick ups when we lived on a 30 acre ranch, sports cars just for fun, big SUVs and small SUVs.  After we sold the farm and moved back to the city we have a small SUV and a 2005 Mustang GT Convertible.  Who knows how long I will drive the Mustang.  18 years may seem like a long time for some people but I had a 1973 Cougar Convertible for 42 years.

Our 2011 small SUV died.  It owed us nothing.  We drove it for 190,000 miles and really enjoyed the automobile.  So we bought the new version of the same car.  We hope this will be a great car as well but something has changed dramatically in the last thirteen years.  Automobile technology.               

The additional technology that comes with the new model is staggering.  Ninety percent of the Owner’s Manual is directed to Smart Car features.  The manual is bigger than the most recent version of the Encyclopedia Britannica and much more poorly organized.  So I spent the first six hours of ownership pouring through the manual to determine which of the 3,473 technology features I intended to use. 

What peaked my interest?  Seat and mirror adjustments, climate control, auto bright light control, road contouring headlight tracking, red light time remaining sensor, back up camera settings, seat massage settings, altitude warning levels, fast food preferences, music choices, navigation preferences, driver assist options, parking assist, trailer back up assist, stuck in the snow assist, fog and dust storm assist, and 17 state toll lane access, to name a few. 

A spectacular feature that overrides all of the others is facial recognition capability.   A high tech digital camera recognizes the unique facial features of the person seated in the driver’s seat.  When it positively identifies the driver, it adjusts all of the Smart Car settings to the selections that unique driver has chosen in the Settings Menu. 

The car is equipped with a Siri like Avatar called Gracie.  I made 25 or 30 selections from the Smart Car Menu’s and asked Gracie to activate the facial recognition software.  Gracie responded that she was turning on facial recognition and from now on she would refer to this unique driver as “George”.  When facial recognition was complete, Gracie commented  “Why George, you are really quite attractive!  Do you smoke cigars?  Why don’t you let me select the ashtray setting instead of the coin holder option for that small compartment in the console?” 

So Gracie and I began careening through life as new found Smart Car operators.  Every day, after facial recognition, Gracie would warmly welcome me to the auto.  “Good morning George!  How about a fast trip to McDonald’s for a large black coffee?”  After a few weeks, I was making my way to Atlanta.  Gracie interrupts a classic rhythm and blues tune, (Ray Charles singing Old Man River) on the Sirius Classic Soul station, with the following suggestion.  “George, I have noticed that you keep your hands at 10 O’Clock and 2 O’Clock on the steering wheel.  Clearly, you were paying attention in that 1963 Driver’s Ed class.   Why don’t you move them to 11 and 1 and we can get there an hour earlier?”

Gremlins started to creep in to the Smart Car driving experience. I found a parallel parking space in front of a Merchant that I wanted to visit.  I pulled just past the open space and asked “Gracie, will you please park the car?” 

“Oh George, I don’t like this parking space.  It’s a little tight for me and the license plate of the car in front of you shows that it is owned by an Ohio State fan. I’ll find a better spot.”  She drives around for fifteen minutes and finds a nice angle parking space two miles from our original space.  “George, isn’t this better?”  I reply “Yes but it’s going to take me a while to get back with the four Pizzas I ordered.  We are running late and the four mile round trip on foot isn’t going to help keep them warm.”  “Well if you’re not happy with this one, I have another just a half mile farther out.  Besides, your current health biometrics and recent weight gain indicate that you really should walk at least that far if you plan on eating Pizza.”

A few months later, the facial recognition software started acting strangely.  I closed the door and Gracie said, “Well, welcome back Mary Lou Retton!  Are we headed to the Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs?  Navigation shows it to be 1,857 miles. Turn left at the second traffic light.”  The Smart Car then activated all of Mary Lou’s settings.  After removing the steering wheel from my spleen I was able to, manually, reset the seat adjustment in a few short minutes.  My limp only lasted a few days.  In addition to Mary Lou, I have been welcomed to the vehicle as Rasputin. The navigation system automatically routed me to the nearest ABC Liquor store and recommended several nice Russian Vodkas available at that location.  Surprisingly, the Mad Monk is a huge Sinatra fan.  His two top Sirius choices were the Sinatra channel and the Forties Junction.  The most interesting misidentification occurred when face recognition positively identified me as the fifth ranked international terrorist on the FBI’s most wanted list.  The algorithms automatically send a silent alarm to the Feds.  Surprising how quickly they can react in these circumstances.  Thirty five minutes later I was having very interesting discussions with eleven of the finest law enforcement professionals in the country.  I was amazed at how they could land Black Hawk helicopters in front of me and behind me on a narrow two lane road.     

I was listening to the Jazz station one day and the Dave Brubeck Quartet started playing “Take Five”.  A little bit of heaven.  Gracie interrupted with an interesting fact.  “George, did you know that Dave Brubeck has a full head of hair but his piano is a Baldwin?”  “You don’t say?”  I was tempted to fire up a cigar and try out the ashtray setting of the coin holder.

Eventually, I started turning off more and more Smart Car features.  The problem was that it was taking me longer and longer to get where I wanted to go.  I would end up at the Raw Bar instead of Walmart.  For a few weeks, Gracie was under the impression that I wanted navigation to take me through the scenic routes.  My 33 minute drive to Orange Park Florida routed me through the Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina.  I know how to parallel park and back up a trailer.  I drove a Semi for three years in college.  I could certainly gauge which parking spots were accessible and which were not.  In addition, I was still having the sporadic miscues of facial recognition.  Surprisingly, Gracie never mistook me for George Clooney.

Gracie was not happy when I cut back on the selected features.  I got a letter from Geico saying that they had revoked my preferred driver status.  My small SUV had informed them that I regularly drive nine miles over the speed limit and don’t use many of the Driver Assist tools.  Gracie ratted me out and it was going to cost several hundred dollars each year in increased insurance premiums.

So I gravitated back to the 2005 Mustang.  Now there is a piece of equipment.  If you want to start the car, you have to insert a key and turn it.  You adjust the seat and mirrors.  You want to know the outside temperature?  Too bad.  This is a car not a weather station.  If you are cold, you select one of two vent settings and manually turn the hot and cold throttle to the comfort range you want.  If it is dark, you need to turn the lights on.  It doesn’t have an “auto” setting that turns them on when it is dark.  You have less than five comfort choices and you control each of them.  It can be done totally accurately in less than twenty seconds.  No voice control issues.  No “Gracie, set the heat to 73 degrees.”  “Okay George, I am getting directions to Sweet Peas.”  If you don’t know where you are going that’s your problem.  The Mustang will get you there quickly, with Panache, but the directions are your responsibility.  You want to go fast?  Hit the gas pedal and it will go as fast as you would ever care to go.  You get to control the music.  The car is equipped a high end sound system that includes a six disc cd player.  I may be the last person in Florida who has a thousand cd’s.  But I can listen to exactly what I want for more than five straight hours.    

The Mustang and I have a great relationship.  It is a car and I am a driver.  I’m not a slave to Ford’s technology.  I am not sitting in a portable social media pod.  I am driving from Point A to Point B and the Mustang will make sure I enjoy the trip.

There is a lot of talk about doing away with fossil fuel.  I hope that this does not occur any time soon.  I want to continue driving my 2005 Mustang GT Convertible every day until one of us has to quit.