My wife and I relocated our family from Ann Arbor Michigan to Jacksonville Florida in 1974.  At that time, the population of Jacksonville was 350,000.  We asked the Jacksonville Chamber of Commerce for information about the city.  They summarized the ethnicity of the city as follows: “3% of the population are of Asian descent.  15% are from Europe.  All the rest are Southerners.”

I took a position as Controller of an insurance company and quickly found that at least 80% of my coworkers were from the South.  I had a language problem.  I neither spoke nor understood Southern.  All of my associates were very patient and helpful.  They welcomed our family with open arms and taught me how to understand and eventually, speak the language fluently.

Let’s start simply with the most common Southern expression.  Y’All.  First, this is a one syllable word.  It is definitely not pronounced “You All”.  It is not “Ya All”.  It is a homonym of Yawl and it rhymes with Call.  One syllable.  Most southern accents may drag out the alllll part a little but it is still one syllable.  Contrary to popular belief, it is always plural.  If you ask one person if they are going to the ball game this afternoon and you say “Y’All going to the game?”  They will think you are from Hoboken New Jersey.  Some have inferred that “Y’All” is singular and that the plural is “All Y’All”.   That is incorrect.  Beauregard’s History of Southern Expression clearly notes that “Y’All” is plural. “All Y’All is creeping into the Southern language.  Occasionally, a citizen from Valdosta will use “All Y’All” to refer to a very large group or “whole passel” of people.

Albany Georgia is pronounced differently than Albany New York.  The Georgia city is “all benn’ nee” with the accent on the second syllable.  Other cities in Georgia include Houston, which is pronounced “house ton” not “hue ston”.  Berlin Georgia, in Southern, is “burr’ lin” with the accent on the first syllable as opposed “burr lin’ the capital of Germany. Vienna Georgia is “vie enna”, with a long I, not “vee enna”, with a long E.      

Jacksonville natives do not greet you by saying hi or hello.  They say “Hey”.  “Hey Sue!  Are you having a good day?”  If Sue indicates that she is not feeling well.  The southerner will reply “I’m sorry you’re feeling puny.”  In Michigan you’re sick. In Jacksonville you’re puny.  If you are puny and have a headache, you might want to take a Goody’s Powder.                 

The really spectacular element of the Southern language are the expressions.  I had the great fortune to work with a person from LA.  To Southerners, LA is not a city in California.  When you say LA in Jacksonville, you are referring to Lower Alabama.  In fact, this person was from Dothan.  Jim had the best expressions and the best speaking style in the world.  Here are some examples.

We sat through a vendor presentation on accounting systems and I asked Jim what he thought.  Jim was very skeptical that the system could do everything the representative claimed. “I think he’s peeing on our shoes and telling us it’s raining.”  In addition, he did not think the presenter was overly bright.  Jim added “That boy reminds me of Paul Revere.  Light in the belfry.”  If Jim was buried in work he was “Busier than a one legged man in an ass kickin contest”.   Can you get this job done today, Jim?  “It’s no hill for a stepper. I might could have it by three.”  What do you think of that barbecue Jim?  “It went down better than a chubby kid on a teeter totter.”   Hey Jim.  You doing all right?  “I’m great! Never had more nor wanted less.” Jim never did anything on the weekend he would do it on “Saturday or Sunday, one”.  

Jim had a dog.  A Blue Tick hound.  His name was Rolex.  I said what a great name for a dog.  How did you come up with that?  Jim said he’s a watch dog.

Jim spoke with a big booming voice.  If you closed your eyes you thought you were listening to Foghorn Leghorn.  Hopefully, Y’All remember the big chicken on Looney Tunes who was constantly pursued by Henrietta the Hen and the little Chicken Hawk.  Foghorn was always talking very loudly saying things like “If that kid… I say… If that kid don’t quit talkin, he’ll get his tongue sunburned.”  No doubt the genius Mel Blanc spent some time in Dothan Alabama because everyone there sounds like Foghorn Leghorn.

In a few months at the insurance company I was taught to “Mash on the light” if the room was dark and to “Let the Big Dog Eat” if I had to accelerate to pass another car.  “It’s coming up a cloud” if the afternoon thunder storm was forming and “It’s a frog strangler” when the down pour started.  I learned that “The big raccoon walks at midnight” if you were behind early in a poker game and “It’s hard to come back if you’ve never been there.”    

Great expressions.  Great humor.  Great people.  Great values.  We have enjoyed Jacksonville so much that we have stayed here for almost 47 years.

The metropolitan area has grown a little from 350,000 citizens to 1,350,000. There are large pockets where the Southern influence has completely disappeared.  Of course, this is happening everywhere in the United States.  Regionalism and colloquialisms are on the wane.  We all are starting to sound like TV commentators. 

I would love nothing better than to have a long slow supper at Jim’s house.  He could regale Sue and me with all of the interesting things that have happened to him in the last 30 years.  After a couple gallons of syrupy sweet tea and a few beers we would wrap up around midnight.  Jim would say he hadn’t had this much fun since “Granny’s goat roping” and he would invite us back with “Y’All come back! Heah?” 

Life would be great.  “If I was any better I would be twins.”  Damn.  I need to find a place to go and speak more Southern.  I may book a leisurely visit to Dothan. I could go on ‘Saturday or Sunday, one”.             

I was reminiscing the other day about the great Flip Wilson.  In the sixties and seventies he hosted a classic variety show on network TV.  As I remembered, he was the absolute master of the “shaggy dog” story.  Long involved stories that would run for many minutes and culminate in a real groaner punch line.  This was perfect humor for me. 

I had not actually viewed one of Flip’s performances in more than forty years so I thought my memories may be aggrandized and inaccurate.

Through the wonders of modern home entertainment, I did a search for Flip Wilson and found that an obscure “oldies” streaming service carried the original Flip Wilson show.  I dialed in the first episode. As it turns out my recollections underestimated the length and depth of Flip’s story telling.  He opened his first show with two hilarious Flip Wilson Stories.  One even included Geraldine.  They ran on forever.  It took more than fourteen minutes to tell two jokes.  The stories were hilarious and they ended with the worst pun like punch lines.  This was even better than I had remembered.

So I thought I would share a few Flip Wilson Stories with you.  These are not jokes actually told by the great comedian.  Relaying the two jokes he told in Season One, Episode One would require a hundred page post.  These are jokes that I have always categorized as Flip Wilson Stories.  If told properly, the people hearing the jokes may believe that they are actually real events until you pop them with the punchline.

Story One.

Rene Descartes spent many years developing his philosophies in Vienna.  He spent hours in the coffee houses extrapolating complex theories with a number of other great thinkers in the city. 

Overtime, he and Wolfgang Schmidt became great friends.  Wolfgang’s day job was training the, world renown, Lippizan Stallions.

One day, Wolfgang was running a horse through his paces when Rene burst into the stables.  Rene said, “Wolfgang! I haven’t slept in three days!  I believe that I have developed a proof for an amazing theory about humanity.  I believe I have all of the elements in place to prove that we can validate our existence simply because of our cognitive capabilities.  I call it ‘I think, therefore I am’.  You need to run through the proof with me.  It’s revolutionary!”  

“Wow!  That’s terrific Rene.  I really should put more time in with this stallion before tonight’s performance.  However, I don’t want you to lose these valuable thoughts.  Let’s get some coffee and chocolate and run through the entire theory.”  

“Thank you Wolfgang.  I really appreciate it.”  Little did Wolfgang know that he was already part of a significant human event. 

This was the first recorded incident of a man putting Descartes before the horse.

Story Two.

A man owned a dog that was overly protective.  The dog was congenial with his family, the clan, but was constantly nipping at anyone who visited his home.  He tried all of the classic techniques to stop the animal from biting but had no success.  Finally, he retained a dog whisperer. 

The trainer said that one simple change would break the biting habit.  The owner needed to give his pet piano lessons.  If given instructions on how to play classical music the dog would stop chewing on his guests.  The trainer said, “I know this sounds ridiculous but, in my opinion, it is probably the only cure for the problem and it has been successful with other clients.”

So the owner googled “Animal piano teachers specializing in canines and classical music.”  There were eighteen within five miles of his house.  He sent an email to the first instructor on the list and made an appointment for the following Monday.  After an hour lesson the instructor said that Fido was off to a great start.  If the owner wanted to continue the lessons, give him another call.

The owner returned home and tested Fido.  He put the dog on the front porch.  The mailman came by and the dog didn’t budge.  Amazon dropped off three big boxes, Fido never got off the welcome mat. He ordered a pizza from dominos and DoorDash from the Chop House.  The dog could care less.

The owner was overjoyed and extended the lessons, indefinitely.  Every Monday at 3:00 PM he spent an hour cleaning up his emails while his dog continued the classical music lessons.  Fido never nipped at anyone starting with the first lesson. 

Finally, after eleven months, the owner decided that, with all of these lessons, he should ask his friends over to listen to Fido play the classics.  He rented a concert size Steinway piano.  He retained the Ritz Carleton to cater the event and he invited twelve close friends over for the performance.

As it turns out, Fido was a terrible pianist.  Friends started to leave after a few minutes.  The longest one stayed for eleven minutes.  Nine months of continuous lessons and the music was unbearable. The next day the owner called the piano instructor and cancelled the lessons. 

It was very clear that Fido’s Bach was worse than his bite.   

Story Three (perhaps the world’s shortest Flip Wilson Story)

I just read an interesting story about David Copperfield.

Early in his career he used a lot of white rats in his tricks.  He bought some from a pharmaceutical company and found them to be very agitated and skittish.  It turns out that the critters had been used in heroin addiction experiments.  David was very sensitive to the welfare of the animals he used in his show, so he very patiently withdrew all of the rodents from their addictions.

As it turns out, he was the first magician, ever, to pull a habit out of a rat.

So Flip was the greatest.  I encourage you to dial in his old shows.  His verbal and physical comedy is incredible.  He will start on a Flip Wilson Story.  As the plot unfolds, he will bring in Reverend Leroy from the Church of What’s Happening Now or Geraldine or somebody else.  There will be five to ten great belly laughs before he gets to the pathetic punchline.  You will wonder why you paid close attention for so long to hear the pitiful ending. 

Then you will sit on the edge of your chair and hope for another one.  

The NCAA has announced a change to the status of bowl games for post season play in 2024.  The designation of a “Game” implies a competition where each team marshals their best effort and skill to win a contest.  In post season 2023, there were 41 contests that used to be called Bowl Games.  Only three of those could be considered games.  All three of those were arranged to determine the National Championship.  The remaining 38 Bowls, at best, must be called “Exhibitions”. 

Let’s look at 2023 “Exhibitions”.  Starting at the top, the number 5 ranked Florida State Team, undefeated in the regular season, has at least eleven starters sit out the contest with Georgia and loses a squeaker 63 to 3.  This was nothing like a game.  FSU finishes one position out of the playoffs and the best effort they have for the “Exhibition” is one of the most lopsided losses in bowl history. 

This event is closely followed by the Ohio State versus Missouri “Exhibition”.  In the last regular season game, OSU has the ball in Michigan territory with less than a minute left in the game.  If they connect with the best receiver in the country (Harrison) on their last play of the game, they are number one in the country and locked in to the first seed in the National Championship playoff.  A Michigan interception with 35 seconds left stops the drive.  Ohio drops out of the top four and loses several key players.  Their starting quarterback and Harrison among them.  The odds makers immediately make them underdogs to the 2 loss Missouri team.  Never underestimate the skill of odds makers.  In the “Exhibition” Ohio never advanced the ball to the red zone once in the entire game.  The powerful buckeyes posted a whopping 3 points.  Not a “Game” and never intended to be a “Game”.           

How about attendance at the “Exhibitions”?  The Duke Mayo Bowl drew 42,925.  The Military Bowl attracted 35,849.  The historic Holiday Bowl had 35,317.  The Pop Tarts Bowl, in the attractive Orlando location, sold 31,111 tickets.  Finally, the Wasabi Bowl in venerable Fenway Park drew 16,238 fans.  There isn’t a high school team in Texas that doesn’t draw more fans for every home game than these “Exhibition” Bowls.  Fans don’t come because these are not games.  They are “Try Outs”.  Most of the Players who had sufficient skill to jump through the portals to a Sacred 20 team did so after the regular season.  Players who were not able to jump through the portals after the regular season are trying to show their stuff in hopes of making it to the top 20 or a low round NFL draft pick.    

According to the NCAA, the economics of college football are best served by promoting no more than 20 major football programs.  They are the ones with real money.  The remaining colleges are considered farm teams and the nature of post season play needs to be changed to support the goals of the Sacred 20.

In an effort to reduce the possibility of injuries associated with the “Try Outs”, there will be a number of rule changes for 2024.  First, all the exhibitions, other than the Championship Playoffs will be played with flag football rules.  Second there will be a skills competition.  The NCAA gurus favor a punt, pass and kick competition.  PP&K has been held by the NFL for 6 to 15 year olds for more than 50 years.  The event has been totally injury free.  The likelihood of any college prospects getting hurt is near zero.  Importantly, all 200 players on each team will be timed in the forty yard dash.  This riveting event, alone, will provide several hours of entertainment for the Bowl “Exhibition” fans.

They are also trying to weave in a pre or post Bowl “Exhibition” event called “Show me the Money”.  It will be in a game show format where fans can watch actual negotiations between players and player representatives.  They anticipate hilarious scenes where 315 pound defensive linemen attempt to intimidate 145 pound lawyers.

Never let it be said that the NCAA does not provide a great product for college football fans.  Of course, with the robust agenda of Bowl “Exhibitions”, the price of tickets will be going up.  It will set you back at least $350 to watch the 2024 season Wasabi “Exhibition” in Fenway.  The increased pricing should really boost attendance.  They may not eclipse the 16,238 mark set in 2023 but they will probably break 10,000.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of cool stuff.  I’m not referring to popular status symbols.  I am talking about cool stuff.  When I find something cool, I buy it and I keep it forever.  It does not matter that no one else thinks that the stuff is cool.  If I do, I buy it and hold on to it eternally.

Perusing my massive storage unit, I have noted that a lot of my cool stuff was actually given to me when I was a child.  I think my appreciation for valuing cool things is genetic.  My parents were extremely skilled at identifying cool.  They gave a lot of cool to their four children and I kept all of mine. 

For example, in 1951 my parents gave me a Lionel train set for Christmas.  Very cool.  Seventy three years later, I still set up the Sante Fe engine and freight cars around my Christmas tree.  Every Christmas and birthday the cool collection of cool train stuff expanded.  By 1960, I had acquired hundreds of Lionel components.  Engines, train sets, fully operating logging stations, cattle unloading corrals, missile launching cars, railroad flagmen, etc.  I still have all of them.  At least all of them that survived the reckless behavior of ten year olds playing war games with model trains.  

Expanding on the toys and games category, I have three large boxes of metal trucks from the early fifties.  Fire Trucks, Graders, Steam Shovels, Dump Trucks, even a Coca Cola Delivery Truck. 

I have three complete Erector Sets.  What’s an Erector Set?  From 1913 to 1963 a fine company, AC Gilbert, made metal construction sets for kids.  They had tons of metal framing and electric engines. They came with instructions to create elevators, cars, trucks, trains, amusement park rides.  Anything you could think of.  In addition you could build your own designs.  These were kind of a crude forerunner to Lego sets.  Last Christmas, I encouraged my grandsons to get out the instruction booklet and build an elevator.  Somehow it was not as appealing as the most recent Grand Theft Auto release but they humored me and whipped up a fully functioning elevator that transported my small metal cars several stories into an imaginary garage.  How cool is that? 

How do you get three Erector Sets?  My parents, both having the cool gene, found two of them in the 70’s at garage sales.  Hard to believe but some people did not recognize the Gilbert products as cool and were actually emptying things out of their basements.  So now they are in my permanent collection of cool stuff.                

I have some great games, including the first five Jeopardy games ever sold and a nearly complete collection of Trivial Pursuit.    

I think old clocks are cool.  I’m talking about mechanical devices at least 100 years old.  When we lived in a big house, I had thirty of them banging away all around the place.  You had to love an 1860 Seth Thomas calendar clock that tracked the time, month, day, and date.  It knows which months have 30 days and which months have 31.  It knows that February has 28 days and every four years, it knows that February has 29 days.  The designers gave up at this point.  The mechanics did not account for the fact that leap year is eliminated at the turn of the century for four straight centuries and added back for the centuries divisible by five.  For example 1900 was not a leap year but 2000 was.  My British Tall Case clock, aka Grandfather, was hand crafted by Jonathan Handley in the 1830’s and is still accurate to less than a minute a week.  Tell me that old clocks are not cool.

Why is keeping cool stuff a problem?  High maintenance and low utility.  For example, a few years ago, I spent an entire day just organizing the erector sets.  I have had these beauties for forty years and the only time we have ever used them was to build the elevator last December.  We tried to play the 1960’s Jeopardy games.  For some reason none of us remembered that Sweden won the Gold in the 3×5 kilometer cross country skiing event at the 1960 Squaw Valley Olympics.  My 23 year old grandson rarely asks to play with the toy trucks anymore. 

When I hire McKinsey to review the efficiency of my life, I am not going to get high ratings for keeping and organizing all the cool stuff.  Basically, weeks of maintenance for a few hours of use. 

So I should empty the 5,000 square foot warehouse that stores seven full sets of Christmas decorations (including 20 strings of Noma bubble lights), every set of golf clubs I have owned since 1963, 45 clocks, eight boxes of Lionel trains, and two red rider BB guns (one with a compass in the stock), and the complete set of my mother’s copper bottom Revere Ware made in Rome New York in the 1950’s (including two double boilers and an egg poaching pan).   

No way!  You never know when friends and relatives will come to spend a few days with you. They may have, in tow, a four year old and a six year old.  Very likely, the classic 1970 Fisher Price pull toys and the big metal trucks will provide hours of entertainment to the small fry. 

Strangely, the original owner may spend as much time with this stuff as the four year olds. 

From a consumer perspective, Weber is the perfect American company. 

In 1951 George Stephens, a sheet metal fabricator in Chicago, crafted the first Weber Kettle Grill.  George was part owner of the Weber Brothers Metal Works and he liked to grill.  He took the top and bottom parts of metal buoys the company made for marine enterprises and fashioned a kettle grill for his personal use.  He made some for his friends, then he sold some to his friends, then he started to sell a lot of them to everybody.  He tweaked and improved things until he created the classic Weber Kettle.  The kettle has changed little over the last sixty years.

The Metal Works was a family owned and operated business that was founded in 1893.  Based on the extraordinary products and services they offer, I am not surprised that they are thriving 131 years later.

Every August, I batten down the hatches in Jacksonville and get ready for a three month move to Ann Arbor.  I really do tie a lot of things down.  We spend the most active part of hurricane season away from our house in Ponte Vedra.  So, I try to get everything ready for whatever hurricanes may pass by in our absence.  A key part of the preparation is anchoring all of my barbecue equipment and outdoor furniture.  The tables and chairs go in to the garage but the Traeger pellet smoker and Weber Summit grill stay tied down on the Lanai.  They both weigh around 200 pounds so I don’t like to move them very far.

This year, I decided to give them a thorough cleaning and that started me thinking about what a great company Weber is.  I burned all of the grease accumulation out of the inside of Summit and cleaned and polished the stainless steel outside.  When I finished, the grill was close to new in both appearance and operation. All eight of the burners work perfectly, the stainless steel was totally rust free and perfectly polished.

Why is this a big deal?  This grill is at least 25 years old and has been pounded extensively by me and my brother in law, Dennis Gray.  Dennis is a world class barbecuist and he used the Summit for many years in Chicago.  It stayed on his patio in all four seasons.  He and Connie moved to Florida.  His new home included a fabulous outdoor kitchen so he gave this magnificent piece of equipment to me.  It was one of the finest gifts I have ever received.  So I have grilled, smoked, rotisseried, or fried at least two tons of barbecue on this grill over the last five years.  Dennis has easily prepared another ten tons.  The grill went through Chicago winters and, probably worse, salt air at the beach house.  After 25 years, it springs back to new condition with a two hour cleaning.

I am a man who knows barbecue equipment.  I have owned more than 75 different smokers and grills.  Charcoal, gas, and electric.  Nothing has performed like the Weber Summit and nothing has come close to the longevity of this grill.  So I think, “Well, that’s a Weber for you.”

“That’s a Weber for you.”  These people have been providing such outstanding products for so many years that we have come to expect the very best from them.  We take it for granted.  Making quality products is not an accident.  It is a business philosophy.  Weber has incredible empathy.  They put themselves in the shoes of their customers and they make things that best satisfy the needs of everyone who uses them.  If it isn’t outstanding, it doesn’t make it to the market place.

How many Weber products do I currently own?  I have three different kettle grills: an eighteen inch model, the classic 22 inch kettle and a forty year old 25 inch kettle.  I have three Weber Smokers: two 18 inch models and a 22 inch beast that can smoke twelve racks of ribs.  Of course, I have the Summit propane grill.  I have given away more Weber smokers and grills than I currently own.  To the best of my knowledge, all but one of the Weber products I have ever purchased is still in use.  I bought a classic Kettle for my lake house in 1990.  It stayed on the deck for 25 years and the leg supports finally rusted out after a lot of hurricane seasons.  This was the only Weber I ever took to the junk yard.

In addition to the grills, I currently own twenty or thirty Weber accessories.  Rib racks, fish racks, rotisseries bars, griddles, Bluetooth thermometers, etc.  The designers at Weber put themselves in the weekend pit master’s seat and rolled out some very useful equipment.

The Weber “Deluxe Poultry Roaster” is a great example of the way Weber develops products.  Many years ago an innovating barbecuist stuck a chicken on an open can of beer and smoked it.  The chicken was very moist and flavorful.  Beer in the butt chicken became the rage.  It is a little difficult to get the chicken off the beer can, especially when everything is about 200 degrees Fahrenheit.  So different entrepreneurs developed “Beer in the butt” tools.  You could buy a little rack that held the beer and chicken in place on the grill and made it easier to remove the chicken for carving.  These accessories would set you back five to fifteen bucks.  So the Weber engineers go to work.  They develop a holder that captures the juices from the chicken, controls the moisture content, makes it very easy to remove for carving, is non stick and dishwasher safe.  The process using the Weber tool is easier.  The results are perfect and very consistent.  Clean up is as easy as possible.  For this, Weber will charge you $49.  I own four of these things.  I often do chickens two at a time and I have a house in Michigan and a house in Florida.  I use them a lot, not because they are Webers but because they make the best chicken.

Weber support is fantastic.  For example, I needed a grate for my 25 inch kettle.  I called product support and they asked me if the kettle was purchased before or after 1998.  I replied that it was made somewhere in the mid 1980’s.  “Okay, the pre ‘98 kettles are a slightly different diameter.  We will have it to you in a couple of days.”  They have not made that grill since 1998 but they had a replacement grate to ship me in 2023.  They know that we are still using these kettles after 40 years and the grates can’t hold up forever.  So they make and stock replacements.   I wonder if my great, great grand daughter will still be able to get a replacement when she is using my 25 incher in 2077?

Finally, Weber grilling and smoking instructions are spectacular.  Their R&D team includes some of the best barbecue chef’s in the country. When you knock off a day to make some barbecue, you want the results to be noteworthy.  I want my guests to grab me by the lapels and demand to know how they can smoke ribs like these.  More importantly, I want to be able to make ribs, for my own personal consumption, that are exquisite.  I considered it a complete victory when my friend Bubba said, “These may be the best ribs since Eve.”  There are a lot of steps involved in making World Class Barbecue.  Maintaining the grills and smokers can be complex and the recipes can be very involved.  Not only does Weber have staff who can answer questions about these things, they have compiled 15 to 20 volumes of instructions and cookbooks.  Every time I have created a meal using one of these manuals, the results were excellent. 

Another great example of Weber empathy.  Using a classic Weber smoker, my smoking time for excellent pulled pork is 14 hours.  That is a challenge.  If I am having guests for a feast at 7:00 PM, I have to start firing up the smoker at 4:00 AM.  I bought the “Weber Greatest Hits” cookbook and they have a recipe for pulled pork that required 9-10 hours.  If you are in a barbecue contest, you’re up all night anyway.  However, for personal consumption, starting at 4:00 AM is pretty inconvenient.  The Weber Chefs recognized the problem and went to work.  The recipe in the book uses the same smoking temperature as mine. How can we get the internal temperature of the pork shoulder to 195 four hours sooner?  The cookbook calls for injecting the pork shoulder with a mixture of apple juice and other things.  In essence, the cooking and tenderizing is accelerated as the marinade heats up inside the roast.  I followed the steps and prepared perfect pulled pork in 10 hours.  No change in taste.  Just 4 hours less smoking time. That means I can get started at 7:30 AM.  Thanks to Weber skill and empathy, we are eating a lot more pulled pork these days.           

So way back in 1952 when George Stephens decided that he could make and sell a pretty good grill, Weber forged a commitment to provide the best possible solutions to their customers.  72 years later they are still following that business plan.  It may take a little more time and the products may be more expensive but let’s put the best stuff in the hands of our patrons. Don’t you wish that every American Company followed that business strategy?   

I know that if I am ever in need of a marker buoy, my first call will be to Weber, Inc.

One sunny day in June of 1957, Kenny Scodeller pounded on my front door.  I answered and he said.  “Get your baseball glove, you’re going to work!”  Ken was a local celebrity on Miner Street and one of the funniest people I ever met.  He was a great athlete at St. Thomas, graduating in 1956.  Now he was a starter on Western Michigan’s baseball team and had aspirations to play pro ball. 

I was in awe.  What did this superstar have in mind for his ten year old neighbor?  Ken said, “I am playing center field for the Ann Arbor Travelers and we need a batboy.  We are practicing at West Park in 15 minutes and you are going with me to start a new career.”  I grabbed my mitt and we started the three block trek to the baseball diamond at West.

The Travelers are a great Ann Arbor story.  Three Ann Arborites formed a semi professional baseball team to compete in the Michigan region of the National Baseball Congress.  Russ McCalla was the principal owner and Head Coach.  Dick Hager was part time second baseman and full time assistant coach, and John Dudley was the business manager.         

All three simply loved baseball.  They wanted to field a team of very talented players that could entertain the Ann Arbor fans two or three times a week during the summer at West Park.  And the players were very good.  There were young players like Kenny and Pete Donovich, on their way up in the baseball world.  Playing college ball or looking for an opportunity to sign a minor league contract.  There were veterans who had played at the double A and triple A level and just wanted to stay in the game a little longer.  It was a great mix of people.  Farmers, factory workers, business executives, college kids and a Doctor.  Some young, some old but all had outstanding baseball skills.  All were equal on the team and they were only interested in playing and winning baseball games.  In the fifties and sixties, the Travelers were the best baseball team in town, including the University of Michigan.

The fans responded with a loyal group of 100 to 200 people for most of the home games.

“Semi pro” is probably a bad description for the Travelers.  No one sold tickets to the home games.  We passed the hat for donations from the fans.  The team would earn prize money for finishing high in the State Tournament and for doing well in the National Tournament in Wichita Kansas if they won the State.  None of the players were actually paid but the owners covered all of the equipment expenditures and most of the travel expenses. Financially, it was a losing enterprise for the three owners.

Why the strange team name?  John Dudley came up with the name because we really had to travel to find opponents.  We played Peterson Tire in Mansfield Ohio, Sullivans Furniture in Grand Rapids. We played teams in Vermontville Michigan, Ionia Michigan, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo and Tecumseh Ontario.  We played the Jackson prison team. Obviously we only played them on their field.  Always a home game for them and they always had a loud boisterous crowd for support.   On a short trip, we played a team in Wyandotte.  They had a high school kid in left field named Willie Horton.  He hit two 400 foot home runs to beat us.

Coach McCalla explained my duties at the first practice.  He said, “You are fully in charge of the bats.”  Big responsibility for a ten year old.  Before the season started, each player selected a couple of bats that suited their swings.  Each game we set up a bat rack in front of the dugout.  We had about 25 bats.  Mostly Louisville Sluggers with a few Adirondacks.  Both bat makers would model the bats after the ones actually used by major league players.  Nellie Fox had a huge handle and a medium barrel.  Mickey Mantle had a thin handle and huge barrel. Harmon Killebrew had a 36 inch bat that weighed about eighty pounds. I carefully set them up so that the players could easily identify them when they were moving to the on deck circle.  Russ said, “Two things are very important here.  Never set the bats up with the handles crossed and never start to put the bats back in the bag before the last out of the game. Either of those two situations will guarantee that we lose the contest.  When someone hits the ball, you need to go up and retrieve the bat without getting involved in the play.  You are also in charge of foul balls.  This isn’t the majors and I can’t afford to toss out a new ball every time someone fouls one off.”  Foul ball responsibility trumped bat retrieval responsibilities.  When one went in to the stands or the weeds I had to bring it back.  Coach said that he needed to get me a uniform.  What number did I want?  I asked for 37 which was the number for my favorite center fielder, Jimmy Piersall.

In game conditions, this job required your full attention.  In fact, on the “danger scale”, being a batboy in the fifties was right up there with bull fighting and capping oil well fires.  I stationed myself just outside the on deck circle.  I needed to be sure that the on deck batter didn’t conk me when he was warming up.  I had to watch every pitch because occasionally someone would send a line drive foul ball straight at me. If it was a pop foul, the catcher or first baseman could run me through the backstop.  In addition, I had to pay close attention to the play on the field to make sure that I would not be run over or smacked by a throw to home plate when I was collecting the bat.

We had a lot of colorful players on the team.  The most passionate player was Denny Fitzgerald.  Denny played third base or catcher. He was the last University of Michigan football player to play without a face mask.  Fitz was a great role model for everyone.  Everything he did was at full throttle.  He was a letterman on Michigan’s wrestling team. He was a marine. He chased every foul ball with the same ferocity as his 99 yard Rose Bowl kickoff return. 

George Pratt was an outstanding pitcher for many years.  George had an incredible technique for dropping down a bunt.  He was always the last batter in the lineup.  As the pitcher, everyone assumed he would not swing at a few pitches in hopes of getting on base with a walk.  For the first pitch, he would stand in the batter’s box holding the bat on his shoulder with one hand.  His left hand was down at his side, nowhere near the bat.  The fielders relaxed knowing that George was going to take the first pitch.  The pitcher simply threw a strike down the middle of the plate.  With one hand, George would drop the bat and often hit the pitch with a perfect bunt.  This took incredible eye hand coordination but George could do it.  The defense was flat footed and if the ball was out of reach for the catcher, he would easily scamper to first base.    

Jim Miller was another player with a very unusual talent.  Jim was truly ambidextrous and he was a pitcher.  On some occasions, he would pitch to the right handed hitters with his right hand and the left handed hitters with his left hand.  One Saturday, we were short of pitchers.  Jim pitched a double header.  The first game he threw with his right hand and won.  The second he threw with his left hand and won.

Our nemesis in Michigan was Sullivans Furniture.  They had talent.  A couple of their guys were on the Detroit Tigers taxi squad.  Usually, the squad members were called up to play a game or two in the majors every year.  They were that good. The NBC State Tournament was a double elimination event.  Half the time we were playing Sullivans for the title. 

One year we were playing the dreaded Furniture team for the State Championship.  A trip to the National Championship in Wichita was on the line.  Sullivans had a four run lead after eight innings.  If they retired us in the top of the ninth, they were the champs.  Unbelievably, before we went to bat, I noticed that they had put their bats back in the bat bag, anticipating that the game was over.  Coach McCalla noticed this as well and said to me “We can’t lose. Just watch!”.  Exactly as the coach predicted, we rallied for six runs and shut down Sullivans in the bottom of the ninth.  “Never incur the curse of early bat bagging!”

So spring is coming to Michigan again.  I wish I could resume my batboy duties for the Travelers one more time.  The revitalized baseball diamond at West Park isn’t much different than the original field. I’m sure that there are a dozen players today as enthusiastic and talented as the group we fielded in the 50’s. What could be better than spending a spring day with twelve people who simply love to play baseball?  I might be a little slow in running down the foul balls but I could do everything else without getting hurt.  I spent a great five years with the team.  No doubt they taught me a lot about baseball that few ten year olds would ever learn.  More importantly, they showed me that following your passion is one of the best things you can do in life.             

I had a very unusual experience at my favorite fast food outlet this morning and I am trying to determine what it means. 

For many years I have used McDonald’s as a key economic indicator.  I don’t review the financial performance.  I don’t care if revenue is up or down.  Profits and market share are not part of the analysis.  The main indicator I use is the response from the person who takes my order at the “drive thru”.  If I can clearly and easily understand the person taking my order, the economy is in trouble.  If the Valedictorian from Penn is working at a fast food franchise until they find a better job, we are in a recession.  Lately, the communications have been mixed.  I have found a few “drive thru” professionals to be very articulate and others completely incomprehensible.  So I figure the economy is treading water.

This morning, however, I had a totally unique experience after ordering a Sausage McMuffin Without the Egg.  The young lady who recorded my order said that the charge would be $2.10 and I could settle the transaction at the first window.  Having lost most of my small bills on golf bets, I had to pay the tab with a twenty.  The pleasant and helpful eighteen year old handed me my change and she said:  “I don’t think this is enough.”   I replied:  “I beg your pardon?” and I counted the change.  It was $15.86.  At this point my CPA background came to the surface and I said:  “You owe me $2.04.”  She replied that she did not have any $1s and offered some quarters.  “Oh crap, I only have two quarters.”  I said: “Okay, we are getting closer. You owe me a buck fifty four.”  “Here, take all the nickels and dimes.”  “You still owe me $.69.”  “I’m sorry, I don’t have it and I can’t pay you.”  I said:  “Hey, don’t worry.  You gave it your best shot.  However it is 8:15 in the morning.  How are you going to settle up with the other cash paying customers you encounter today?  You don’t have any money!”  She replied, “It is going to be a long day.”

Wow!  The world’s largest fast food company ran out of money.  How could this happen and what does it mean?  This is something that I never expected from my key economic barometer. In addition, this is something I never encountered before in the United States or anywhere else.  I spent a lot of time in Trinidad, a truly third world country, and never found a merchant that could not give me the right change.  To say that this makes the United States look like a third world country is an insult to Trinidad.  The Trinnies always paid their debts.

Is this a Micro economic problem or a Macro issue? 

It definitely is a Micro problem.  At least one McDonalds can’t give change to their customers.  I assume they pasted a sign in the window that says “We only accept Credit Cards” after my transaction.     

Unfortunately, it may be a macro economic issue.  Perhaps a lot or most of the Golden Arch franchises in the United States are out of money.  They address the sales issue by going “All Credit Card” but that has a lot of ancillary challenges.  For McDonalds, there is a clearing delay in processing Credit Cards and a fee from the bank that reduces their income.  Sure they can execute the current sale but they have a delay in getting their cash and they won’t get as much.  If they have a problem with their margins (the difference between the $2.10 sales price for a sausage McMuffin and the cost of making the delectable treat) things will only get worse as time passes. 

Certainly, McDonalds is feeling the impact of higher costs.  When food prices went up with inflation, they increased for you, me and Mickey D’s as well.  Then, the minimum wage increased and some very large states require a living wage for all fast food employees.  In the past, many of these jobs were part time positions for students and others who enjoyed the additional income.  A high schooler could work a few hours a week and fund his or her entertainment budget.  This seemed to work for everyone.  With the $20 an hour requirement, total wages went up but actual work hours declined.  When a $20 wage became a requirement, the fast food outlets countered by reducing staff to the bare minimum and they crunched their profit margins as much as possible.  Some vendors are reducing the number of full time employees by cutting back the number of hours everyone works. In most states, part time employees are not entitled to the same benefits as full time workers.  Paying less for benefits is a partial offset to the financial impact of higher hourly wages. 

Why doesn’t McDonalds simply adjust the sales price to their traditional profit margins?  Because a lot of their diners can’t pay the higher price. Their customers could afford stopping by on the way home and buying dinner for four for $25 dollars but they can’t afford stopping by for $50.  With the increased cost, perhaps the breakeven point for McDonalds on that order is $45 dollars. In fact, the cost increases may have driven a lot of families to peanut butter sandwiches. So a franchise in Sacramento may really be up against it.  Smaller profit margins and fewer sales.    

On a macro basis, the switch to “Credit Cards Only” also has a very negative impact on the buying power of the US consumer.  Before the jump in inflation three years ago, 60% of Americans were living “paycheck to paycheck”.  Every dollar they earned, they needed to spend to support themselves and their families.  When inflation hit, they suddenly did not have enough income to pay the bills.  There was a small rise in income but it was much less than the rise in inflated cost.  So, many of us rang up credit card debt to make it through the month.  There really were not a lot of options and we hoped the price increases were temporary.  Over the three year period, the percentage increase declined but prices were still rising.  Nothing got cheaper and the increased cost for the three years was around 20%.  The 60% living “paycheck to paycheck” find themselves getting farther behind each month and it isn’t getting any better. 

According to Forbes, the average interest rate for credit cards, in the US on July 29, 2024, is 27.62%.  When I charge $50 at McDonalds and put it on the card, the cost of the meal just increased 27.62% or $13.81.  That dinner that set me back $25 a few years ago just cost me $63.81.  What choice did I have?  I don’t have the fifty bucks and we need to eat.  After two years of my income falling short of my expenses, I have now maxed out my credit cards.  I can only pay the minimum and I have reached the limit on all my cards.  Where do I get the money to pay the cards?  I take an early withdrawal from my IRA account.  This tacks on a 10% tax penalty and the distribution is taxable to me.  Assuming I am in the 24% tax bracket, my meal is another 34% more expensive, raising the total cost to $85.51.  The real cost of my dinner has gone from $25 a few years ago to $85.51 today. 

Even worse, I am simply making minimum payments and I am going to have the same problem at the end of next month.

An equally bad outcome is that I am taking a big chunk out of my retirement savings.  The IRA mathematics works beautifully if you start contributing early and compound earnings in your account for many years.  By paying my credit card bills out of my IRA, I am destroying the ultimate value of my IRA savings.  Anyone who does this for a few years, very likely, will have to work well beyond the 67 year retirement age.

There are a lot of people in this boat.  Remember, before the inflation debacle started, 60% of Americans were living “paycheck to paycheck”.

How does this turn around? Suffice to say, it is very unlikely that prices will ever decline.  The best we can hope for is that they stop going up.  If prices stabilize and wages go up, we can get to “paycheck to paycheck” again.  Hopefully, many will progress past that point.

So, many of us are not feeling better when our politicians tell us the economy is great.  For us it is simple.  I ratcheted my credit cards to the max and I am hitting my retirement accounts.  Nothing is cheaper and it isn’t getting better for me.  Most of us have not run through the process of computing the real cost of inflation but we absolutely feel it at the end of each month when we pay the bills.

McDonalds continues to be my best economic indicator.  I was taken aback when I found that they ran out of money this morning.  I only hope the next time I order a Quarter Pounder With Cheese that the most recent Rhodes Scholar is not the person telling me, in the Queens English and with perfect timber and diction, to “Pay at the first window and please remember, we only accept credit cards.” 

Artificial Intelligence is “The theory and development of systems able to perform tasks that normally require human intelligence.”

Artificial Intelligence has changed my life.  Stephen Hawking believed that Artificial Intelligence would be the end of mankind.  I disagree. Without Artificial Intelligence, I would need to be in an Assisted Living Facility.

Somehow, as a young man, I made my way through life without any help. I woke up, showered, shaved, put on the suit and tie and made it to work with no external prompts.  I attacked the challenges of the day, made money for my employer, and accelerated through a career with my own native intelligence.  

There were the occasional blips.  As a software sales professional, I once stepped off an airplane in Philadelphia and had no idea why I was there.  I bought the ticket so there must be someone I needed to call on but I had no idea who it might be.  My client base were insurance companies.  There are a lot of them in Philadelphia and I was doing business with most of them. I called my Administrative Assistant in Atlanta who read the alphabetical lists of insurers in the city of brotherly love.  When she got to Colonial Penn, my native intelligence kicked in and I was back on track.

Now that I am retired, there are no occasional blips.  Everything is a blip.  So I have designed a number of creative, Artificial, tools that help me function at a fairly competent level.  The primary tool is the list.  At some point in my life, I found that I was a lot more productive if I started each day with a simple list of the five most important things to do that day. 

            Haircut

            Set up Golf with John

            Fertilize Citrus

            Find a Cure for Cancer

            Make Spaghetti Sauce

When I was young, I would easily remember these simple goals.  Now, after several “I thought you were making dinner.” comments quickly followed by “We are not having pizza again!”  I have employed the great AI List Tool.  Properly utilized, AI memory keeps me functioning as a competent adult.  There are two important criteria.  First, I need to put the task on the list.  Second, I must read the list at least every hour during the day.  Both of these functions require training and discipline.  I rarely hear the “NO PIZZA!” comment any more.  

As native intelligence winds down, my reliance on Artificial Intelligence has expanded.  I now have at least four lists going at all times.  One on the kitchen counter, one in the office, one on the bedroom dresser, and one in the car.  They all have different purposes that roughly relate to their locations.  The kitchen list is food oriented (menu plan, grocery list, etc.),  the car list has a lot of destinations (Walmart, Publix, Poker Parlor), the bedroom list has broad goals (find a solution to the federal debt problem, research Toronto vacation, etc.).  Usually one or more of the lists will have a task that says “Go look at the list on the dresser” or “Add this to the list in the car”.        

I am thankful that breathing is an involuntary brain function.  Otherwise, I might forget to put it on the list and I would be dead.      

Although my wife and I are retired, we have above average complexity in our lives.  We live in two different homes in Florida and spend football season in Ann Arbor Michigan.  We orchestrate at least seven world class tailgates each year.  We both enjoy cooking.  I have a passion for barbecue and frequently create dinner for 20 – 30 friends.  So now the artificial intelligence expands to include “To/From” lists to move equipment and supplies between locations, timelines for preparing barbecue feasts, and equipment lists for the diverse tailgates.  Even a healthy idiot savant could not keep track of all the variables involved in these activities.     

Through the wonders of Artificial Intelligence (often using Microsoft Word and Excel), we cope.

I know I am “losing it”.  I only take four pills a day but I have to rely on the old people’s pill organizer from CVS (a great Artificial Intelligence tool) to avoid omissions and duplications.  I have Bunn Coffee Makers in all three homes.  When I am gone for a while, I clean them and run five pots of water through each to ensure the reservoirs are clean and fresh.  This takes about a half hour and, invariably, I lose count of how many pots I have run.  Perhaps, I am analyzing one of my seventeen lists.  The coolest AI tool I have helps me with this process.  When I pour a pot of water in the Bunn, I put a sugar packet on the counter.  When I get to five packets, I’m done.  My wife watched me do this and failed to see the brilliance of the technique.  Fortunately, I passed the subsequent mental competency test.

Karel Capek and Stephen Hawking may be concerned about Artificial Intelligence taking over the world.  I am not.  In fact, AI is the only thing keeping me functioning at a somewhat adult level.  I know that someday my children are going to prop me up in a corner and shoot food at me with a slingshot.  Thanks to Artificial Intelligence I’m not there yet.   

Some professions are a little sensitive to criticism.  Gourmet chefs never want to hear you say that the Beef Wellington is simply “okay”.  That comment can win you a quick trip out the front door with a ramekin of au jus on your head.  Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like a pancake, never tell a Sumo wrestler that they seem to be a little chubby.  Strangely, one of the more sensitive groups of professionals are road commissioners.  In general, they feel they are always being maligned.  One pot hole, or a slow response to a 24 inch snow storm and they are besieged with complaints.  If the city’s streets are not flawless, they hear about it. They have developed the perfect revenge to these grievances.  It is called “Road Construction”.  

In fact every year the National Association of City, State and County Road Commissioners hold an annual convention where they honor the programs that have been most effective in sticking it to the whiny drivers in their jurisdictions.  The conference is called “Designing Exceptional Travel On Unfinished Roads” or “DETOUR”. 

Here are some highlights on the 2024 convention.

During the keynote address, the President, pointed out that the Granddaddy of all “settling the score” projects was the Big Dig.  This massive construction project was orchestrated by the Massachusetts Highway Department.    It hit all of the important points.  The budgeted cost was $2.8 billion.  The actual cost was $8.1 billion.  The project was targeted to finish in five years.  It took fifteen years and then required extensive reworking because the design and materials were flawed.  In essence, the citizens of Boston could get around the city faster by rickshaw than by automobile for a full fifteen years.  Very likely, no road commission construction project will ever rival the performance of the City of Boston and State of Massachusetts. 

Notwithstanding, there are several outstanding performances in 2023 that have earned recognition with the coveted “DETOUR” award.    

These road construction efforts rival the spirit of the Big Dig if not the financial impact.

The first DETOUR award goes to the road commissioner in Dayton Ohio.

Traffic patterns in Dayton are far less complex than most major American cities.  They don’t have the labyrinth of freeways that we see in Atlanta or the traffic volumes.  In fact, they simply have I-75 running through the middle of the city.  Notwithstanding, they can post world class traffic delays.  The City road commissioner, Hugo Slow, has really taken advantage of the attributes Dayton has to inflict pain on motorists.  Geographically, Dayton is a hard city to bypass.  Travelers from Michigan, western Ohio and eastern Indiana are tempted to cruise down I-75 as they head to vacations in the South.  They make it to Dayton and they are trapped.  Hugo has been a master at timing the road construction to maximize the discomfort.  With modern construction techniques, a lot of road work in Dayton could take place in the winter season.  However, Mr. Slow times nearly all the construction to the summer months when leisure travel is at its peak. 

How effective has Dayton been in creating havoc?

My most recent drive through the city flared up a red line on my GPS system with instructions to leave the freeway for an alternative route.  The lines all turned red on the alternative path and it ultimately took an hour and twenty six minutes to traverse eight miles through this Garden spot in Ohio.  Needless to say, I spent much of that time thinking about the performance of Hugo Slow, the longtime Dayton Road Commissioner.

These delays are not new to Dayton.  Since 1974, I have been travelling from Ann Arbor Michigan to Jacksonville Florida three or four times each year.  Without exaggeration, I-75 has been under constant construction in Dayton Ohio for the entire fifty year stretch. 

The second DETOUR Trophy is awarded to Jacksonville Florida.

Jacksonville has a number of outstanding opportunities to show complexity in their highway systems.  Two major Interstates intersect in the city.  A massive river flows through the town and makes at least four major turns as it works its way to the Atlantic Ocean.  There are only seven bridges over the St. John’s and they are all significant edifices. Finally, the population of the city is exploding putting a lot of pressure on highway systems that worked well for 800,000 people but not so well for 1,500,000.  Jacksonville is a critical gateway into Florida.  Tourists driving to the theme parks in Orlando from the east coast of the United States pass through Jacksonville.  In addition, tourists seeking the offerings of Tampa, St. Pete and the west coast of the state also traverse the city.

So Jacksonville offers a lot of angst for motorists without any intervention from the road commission.  Nevertheless, the Duval County Road Commissioner, Seymour Klosures, has been masterful in enhancing the frustration of driving through this fine city.  There is a very critical intersection of two interstates in Jacksonville.  The eastern terminus of I-10 intersects with I-95 right at the St. Johns River and pretty much right downtown in the city.   Three of the seven bridges over the river are woven in to this intersection.

First, the commissioner has ensured continuous road construction at this juncture for more than thirty years.  He has been brilliant in changing traffic patterns, eliminating lanes and adding lanes randomly and unannounced.   

Second the signage for the traffic patterns is terrible.  Even lifelong residents of the city frequently find themselves being routed off I-95 and I-10 onto strange and obscure roads.  After a week or so when a driver begins to understand the new patterns, commissioner Klosures changes them.

You can easily blow an hour or two trying to traverse Jacksonville during spring break.  Kudos to commissioner Seymour Klosures.

Finally, we have a lifetime achievement award for Ann Arbor Michigan

For years, the Washtenaw County Road Commission and the city of Ann Arbor have teamed up to make it very challenging for citizens and visitors to navigate this Michigan city.  Ann Arbor is a small community but they have a long history of impairing the ability of their citizens to drive around the town.  The obstacles have been very creative and very effective.  

For example, the University of Michigan hosts seven or eight football games in the Big House every season.  110,000 people flock to Ann Arbor for each of those events.  Every year, since 1952, the road commission has managed to initiate a significant construction project on, at least, one of the four main arteries to the stadium.  We talked with the current Washtenaw County Road Commissioner, Hugh Otto Staeholme, about the 2020 project.  According to Mr. Staeholme, the record evacuation time for exiting stadium occurred after the 1956 Ohio State game.  Primarily because of a blizzard, it took 3 ½ hours to travel two miles from the stadium to I-94.  Ever since, the road commission has focused on projects targeted to breaking that record.  “I thought we had it in the bag in 2020.” Said Staeholme.  “We narrowed Main Street, then a four lane road, down to two lanes with an urgent curb cleaning project.  Orange barrels for two full miles from the stadium to downtown.  This would have worked and then we were hit with a Covid outbreak.  No fans in the stadium and no highway backups.  Phooey!”

Ann Arbor holds the national record for the highest number of simultaneous detours.  Last fall, I was stopped at Hill Street and State Street.  The road commission had posted routing signs for five different Detours.  Arrows pointed in all possible directions.  One for the South Bound State Detour, one for the North Bound State Detour, one for East Bound Packard, one for South Bound Fourth and a final one for East Bound Williams.

In 2019, Ann Arbor won the award for being the most potholed city in the world.  They barely edged out Beirut and Port Au Prince Haiti.  Ann Arbor has always been pot hole challenged.  A lot of the potholes are bad.  Potential axle breakers.  Some are big enough to eat small cars.  I passed one on Traver Road that had two people rock climbing out of it.  So while you are negotiating all of the other traffic challenges in Ann Arbor you constantly have to be evaluating the danger threat of the next hundred feet of potholes.  All artfully designed by Hugh Otto Staeholme.

Finally, the road commissioner and city officials devised a plan to further frustrate citizens and visitors.  They converted five or six streets to one lane roads by adding massive bike lanes and parking lanes on each side of the road.  Although only one lane is available to cars and trucks, the streets remain two way streets.  You have to be thinking about the road commissioner when you back up two hundred feet to the first available driveway in order to let a car coming from the opposite direction pass.

So clearly, Ann Arbor deserves this life time achievement award.  They have consistently focused on maximizing the frustration of drivers in their city for many, many years.  Their schemes have been brilliant and effective. 

DETOUR 2024 was another huge success.  The hard work and ingenuity of the all of America’s road commissioners was on full display.  There were hundreds of examples of the thin skinned City, County and State officials striking back at whiny citizens. 

Always remember, if you complain about the job they are doing, you will see the dreaded Road Construction signs.  Perhaps for years on end.

It appears that the 2040 election is going to run true to form.  Much like the 2036 election debacle, we don’t expect the results to be decided by the Supreme Court any sooner than October 2041. It just isn’t possible for 313 Supreme Court Justices to make a decision on the hundreds of lawsuits in less than 11 or 12 months. 

For the third time in 20 years, the Speaker of the House will assume the role of President until a decision is made by the Court.  We are still paying for the results of temporary Speaker leadership in the past.  In 2029, Speaker George Santos issued an executive order allowing any Republican lawmaker from the State of New York to use up to 93% of their campaign funds for personal expenditures. In addition, he reinstituted construction of the Keystone pipeline.  The contract was awarded to MAGA Builders, Inc. which appears to be 97% owned by elected Republican officials.  In 2039, Speaker Pelosi ordered that all Americans are entitled to unlimited quality ice cream at no cost.  Ironically, her husband owns the Marie Antoinette Creamery that provides the high quality product (at $20 per pint) to the federal government.

Clearly, the challenge of adding up votes is magnified by the addition of 107 states since 2020.  It started with Puerto Rico, Washington DC, and Guam in 2021.  During the next cycle, to rebalance the Senate, the Republicans added the Bering Islands, Galapagos, Greater Nepal, Easter Island, and Stonehenge (generously approved by Boris Johnson).

The final element of complexity is the diverse voting regulations adopted by 157 independent states.  In 2028, California passed the Clairvoyant Voting Act which stipulates that the citizens of California can submit their qualified votes by mental telepathy.  Unfortunately, there is a dearth of qualified individuals to receive the brain to brain transfers and, even though the votes are legally cast by election day, the panel of Kreskins cannot aggregate the total in less than six months.  70 other states have embraced this form of voting and they all have the same receptor problem.  As a result, these 71 states are the last to report their vote totals.  Very often, this last minute tabulation swings the election results from the Republican candidate to the Democratic candidate.  Of course the lawsuits begin immediately after the 157 states finalize their results.   

The Government Accounting Office estimates that the 314 members of the Senate spend 96% of their time approving Supreme Court Justices and ratifying new states. The Executive Branch is also time challenged.  They are not in place for a year after the election which pretty much puts them in a mode of immediate preparation for the upcoming midterm election.

Meanwhile, the government printing press is running at top speed.  Governmental spending is 87% of the Gross National Product.  The liberals point out that, as long as you can print dollars you will always prosper.  The Federal Reserve, however, is a little concerned about the inflation rate creeping up to 638%.