Auto Correct

I am finding that it takes a lot more time to draft correspondence these days.  A few years ago, I could rifle off a well thought out letter in less than ten minutes.  It now takes a least a half hour.  At first I thought, this is a sure sign of aging.  The grey matter is just not as responsive as it once was.   

So I started charting what I spend my time on in the writing process. 

Last week, I received an email from my electric company stating that my invoice was past due and accordingly they are charging me a late fee of $19 dollars.  It took me 8 seconds to comprehend that DT, Inc. is a monthly Auto Pay that creates an ACH withdrawal automatically from my checking account.  Only 8 seconds to frame the problem.  Not much time wasted there.  I don’t pay the bill, the electric company, DT, Inc., does and they didn’t pay this one.  They should send me $19 for non-performance of the auto pay feature.  So I started the letter with one of my favorite expletives “Balderdash”.  As I was moving to my next thought, I noticed that the word processing software changed this great expression to “Your balls are smashed!”  So I went back and changed the computer generated correction again to “Balderdash”.  I also decided not to use “Poppycock” in my next sentence fearing the auto correct response might really get me in trouble. 

In my next line, I noted that “DT, Inc.’s Auto Pay software is running amok”.  When I reread the sentence it had been changed to “The delirious tremor episodes of Otto Payne are in the mud.”  I back track and fix the ridiculous auto correction revision.  I now have a minute tied up in the first two sentences.  One of them is only one word.  I drafted the second one in four seconds but it took another 20 seconds to fix auto correct. 

Several things are becoming clear.  My brain seems to be firing on all cylinders and manually re-correcting auto correct is sucking up all my time.  In addition, if I don’t simplify my language so that it doesn’t trigger auto correct, it will take me a long time to draft this correspondence. 

If I do all the things the Immaculate Heart of Mary sisters taught me in eighth grade to draft a crisp, interesting correspondence, it may take an hour to write a simple letter.  Eight minutes to write it and 52 minutes to fix auto correct. 

So I won’t use very short sentences, like “Balderdash”, for emphasis.  I quash colorful descriptions, like “running amok”.  If I have a word that auto correct likes, I will keep using it.  The nuns said I should keep the reader interested by varying the terms I use for the same item.  E.g. cash, money, dollars, payment, remittance, currency, legal tender, moolah, scratch, dough, samollians, bread, greenbacks, bananas, long green, dead presidents, Benjamins, coin of the realm, and mana from Uncle Sam.  For the electric company letter I will only use “cash”. Auto correct likes “cash”.    

At this point, I am wondering what the auto correct criteria are for editing correspondence.  The algorithms have to use some assumptions about the reading level of the recipients.  In the United States, this is pretty low.  54% of adults read at or below the fifth grade reading level.  Our government has actually lowered that standard.  Because of the education debacle with Covid, fifth graders are no longer reading at the same level they did before Covid.  That’s right, fifth graders cannot read at the fifth grade level.  So the Fed’s lowered the standard and the 2018 third grade reading level is closer to the 2024 fifth grade reading level.

My word processing provider believes that they are helping me by editing my correspondence to something that a 2018 third grader will easily understand.  If I am ever going to finish this letter to the electric company, I need to further simplify my writing.  So I try to complete the correspondence with one syllable words.  “I think the goof up in the bill is your fault.  I saw my bank charge and you took cash to pay the March bill last week.  Give me back the late fee and fix your IT.”  Almost made it past auto correct.  It changed IT to “ants”.      

Here are three versions of the same letter.  The first version is in the form that I normally use for my correspondence.  It took 15 minutes to draft because I constantly had to override auto correct.  The second is the version of my original writing without revising any of the changes made by auto correct.  This only required 5 minutes of writing time.

The third version is the adjustment I made to my writing style to minimize auto correct edits.  This required 10 minutes to draft.

My response:

Dear Customer Service Representative,

I recently received a notification that my March payment was not received in a timely fashion by DT, Inc.  Balderdash!  DT Inc.’s Auto Payment software is running amok.  At your request, I signed up for Auto Pay.  DT Inc. triggers an ACH disbursement from my bank account.  A fast review of my bank account showed that you extracted a timely payment on April 10.  You should credit me $19 for the erroneous late fee and you should pay me $19 for having to address your mistake.  If the late payment has an effect on my credit rating, the next correspondence will come from my attorney.

Sincerely,

Michael Jay Sinelli        

My response as edited by Auto Correct:

Dear Custard Cone Server,

I recently received a notice that my march to Pensacola was not completed because of a delirious tremor episode.  Your balls are smashed!  The delirious tremor episodes of Otto Payne are in the mud.  At your direction, I signed up for Otto Payne.  A delirious tremor episode shot a classic hound at the river bank.  A fast review of my river bank showed that you extracted a timely pickerel on April 10.  You owe me $19 for the erroneous lake fee and you should send me $19 for mailing your prime steak.  If the lake cash has an impact on my car racing, the next letter you receive will come from my Aunt Tierney.  

Sin Surely,

Michael Jay Sinelli 

The response that was most in line with the auto correction algorithm:

Dear helper,

You sent a note that said I did not pay you on time. I did pay you on time. You took cash from my bank for a March bill on April 10.  You told me to sign up for auto pay.  I did.  In your bill you add $19 for a late charge. This was your goof up, not mine.  Send me the $19 cash for the goof up and $19 more for me to fix your goof up.  If your goof up makes me look bad, I am going to tell on you.   

I really mean it,

Michael Jay Sinelli

Not bad, only three multi syllable words and it passed all of the edits directed to third graders.   

What a great benefit auto correct provides.  I actually drafted the same correspondence with a quill pen 30% faster than using my word processing system.  That includes the time required to photograph the document and upload it to my computer.  Unfortunately, no one under 62 years of age can read cursive.

Ah well, the IHM sisters told me that easy reading is hard writing.  Thanks to the assistance of word processing software, it is getting a lot harder.