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Last spring, John Ball, Steve Nauman and I thought it would be a great idea to enjoy a college football game and tailgate in Michigan on beautiful fall day.  For more than twenty years, my Jacksonville friends would make the trek to Ann Arbor to watch the Michigan Wolverines play somebody.  The game was buffered on each side with the World’s Greatest Tailgate.  However, with the advent of Nil and Portals, U of M games can no longer be considered “college football”.  It is some bastardized form of professional football.  Still great to be a Michigan Wolverine but it isn’t an amateur college competition by any measure.

So in 2025, we have procured thirty five yard line seats to see a great Mid America Conference game in Ypsilanti Michigan.  The fighting Emus from Eastern Michigan University take on the vaunted Northern Illinois Huskies.  These are bonified college teams.

When I reviewed the ticket options, I could buy six individual tickets for $150 or fifteen group tickets for $120.  Any seats in any section.  With my accounting major at Eastern, five years Big Eight accounting experience, CPA certificate, and several Controllerships for public companies, I determined that $120 for fifteen seats of our choice is better than $150 for six seats of our choice.

I closed the deal and sent an email to the World’s Greatest Tailgate team.  Since 1966 the WGTs have been hosting events, primarily at the Big House.  Occasionally, we would take the tailgate on the road. 

In the email, I noted that we have nine seats, available at no charge, for anyone who would like to join us for the Eastern Michigan – Northern Illinois football game.  In fact, if more than nine participants wanted to join us, I will buy those tickets as well. The game will be Saturday, October 11.  We are planning a full throated, World’s Greatest Tailgater event for the Emu -Huskie tilt.  There is free Tailgate parking across the street from the stadium.  The WGT’s can consider this a road trip (albeit it is only 7 miles from our traditional Ann Arbor venue) where neither team is actually the Michigan Wolverines (but both combatants are real college amateur teams) and there are absolutely no traffic and no parking challenges.  For anyone who accepts the offer, the ticket cost is zero.  Hard to believe that a deal this good would ever happen! 

How does spending Saturday at an Eastern Michigan football game compare to a Michigan contest.  Well, it is a little less expensive.  My thirty one yard line seats at Michigan are $325 each.  My thirty five yard line seats at Eastern are $9.  If you buy the fifteen seat group package at Eastern, they will flash your group picture on the Jumbotron with a message that says “The World’s Greatest Tailgaters.  We are professionals, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.” Tailgate parking in Ann Arbor is $90 a car and in Ypsilanti it is -0-.  How about convenience?  For Michigan games, it is a half mile walk to the stadium from the tailgate.  At Eastern it is 100 yards.  “Easy in and easy out” is a myth in Ann Arbor and real in Ypsi.

More importantly, Eastern players are predominately amateur college players that enjoy the game and are thrilled with scholarships that pay for their college education.  Most of them will play four years for the fighting EMU’s.  When I follow a top twenty NIL team, I have to buy a new starting quarterback jersey every year.

The Eastern game day experience takes me back fifty five years.  I am going to an amateur college game.  The biggest outlay will be for the brats and the beer at the tailgate.  The primary goal is having a great time on a spectacular fall day.  I hope I can find a toss away charcoal grill at the dollar store for less than five dollars.  Grilling the brats and burgers on the toss away is a perfect throw back to the incredible early days of tailgating.  If the Emu amateurs beat the Huskie amateurs, it will be a perfect day.          

So let me know if you can join us.  If more than 9 fans decide to come, I’ll get some more tickets.

GO YOU HAIRY EMUS!!

Kingfish         

The Michigan football program has always had great stadium announcers.  For the past 75years, there have only been three public address announcers and they are all legendary.  Carl Grapentine has been holding down the job since 2005.  He was already serving as the Michigan Marching Band announcer and expanded his services to include stadium announcer in 2005.  Carl’s great voice and delivery have been making game day special for two decades.  Perhaps the only voice more distinct and recognizable to current Michigan fans is that of James Earl Jones.  Howard King preceded Carl in the Public Address booth.  Another great resonating voice in the stadium on Saturday afternoons.  Howard served from 1972 to 2004. 

Michigan football is steeped in tradition.  We have the winged helmet, the M Club Banner, the Victors, Varsity and a pregame band ritual which may not have changed since the days of Fielding Yost.  A great part of that tradition was started by Steve Filipiak, the Big House PA announcer from 1950 to 1971.    

Technology was a little different in the 1950’s than it is in today’s mobile phone and Jumbotron environment.  For example, the 1957 Michigan scoreboard did not provide a lot of information.  You could see what quarter we were in, the time remaining, who had possession of the ball, the score for Michigan and the score for “Visitors’.  You could also see the down and yards to go for a first down.  That’s it.  Any other information, key stats, play makers, and the scores of other ball games came from the PA announcer. 

In the fifties, almost all games started at 1:00 PM local time.  Steve did his best to keep the Big House fans updated on the other contests underway in the Big Ten and a few games that had national interest.  This was not easy.  The scores were all provided by a wire service via ticker tape.  In the Michigan press box, the ticker tape machine was three floors below the broadcast deck.  So, to get updates of the scores on the ticker, Steve would send his son Jim on frequent trips to the ticker tape room.  Jim would tear off the most recent printings and run them back up to his dad.  Jim did a little editing.  He would read the tape to identify ones he thought would be of interest to his dad, tear the current prints from the machine and run them back up three flights of stairs.  He would give his dad a “heads up” on ones his father may want to announce.

One day in 1959, the last score on the tape was for a Slippery Rock game.  Jim chuckled and showed it to his father.  Steve said, let’s announce it and see what happens.  Right out of the blocks it was a hit.  The fans were initially a little stunned and then they began to cheer.  Who wouldn’t pull for Slippery Rock?  The rest is history.  One of the hallmarks of Steve’s broadcasts for the remainder of his career was announcing the “Rock’s” scores.  Steve was a master of creating anticipation in the crowd.  If the game was a nail biter, he may dramatically relay the seesaw score two or three times in the course of the afternoon.  For a one sided contest, he may wait until well into the third quarter to give the score.  You could usually sense it was coming because Steve would say something like here is another score and dramatically pause.  Over the years, Michigan fans understood the big rivalry for Slippery Rock was Shippensburg State Teachers College.  A highlight of the afternoon would be Steve announcing a Slippery Rock victory over the dreaded Shippensburg Raiders.  There was always a collective groan when the “Rock” was on the short end of the score.

The tradition has been suspended from time to time.  When Fritz Crisler was the Athletic Director, he thought announcing the Slippery Rock score lacked decorum and suspended the practice.  According to Jim Filipiak, when Don Canham took the AD reins, he interviewed Steve.  Don said that he always enjoyed Steves PA work and he hoped Steve would continue doing the job under the Canham regime.  Steve asked about reinstating the Slippery Rock announcements.  Don said he loved that and he absolutely wanted it back in the program. 

Canham did love the Slippery Rock tradition.  In 1979 he invited Slippery Rock and Shippensburg State Teachers College to play their annual rivalry game in Michigan Stadium.  The game drew more than 61,000 fans, which was the largest attendance at any Division II football game through 2020.  Slippery Rock also played in the Big House in 1981 and 2014.  Sadly, they have never claimed a victory in Ann Arbor. 

So a great Michigan football tradition was started by fate and a sharp eyed young boy helping out his dad on a football Saturday in 1959. 

Strangely, a few years ago, my wife and I were cruising from Ann Arbor to Lancaster PA.  I noticed a freeway exit sign that said “Slippery Rock Next Exit”.  Susan noticed it first and demanded I take the next exit.  “We are going to the book store to load up Slippery Rock stuff!”  We bought tee shirts, hats and sweatshirts.  I asked the book store manager if she knew how the relationship between the Wolverines and the Rock got started?  She replied that she had no idea how it started but she was very pleased that it did and was very thankful for the friendship.  She said she attended the 1979 contest and it was a truly spectacular experience. 

I relayed the Jim and Steve Filipiak story.  We were both very happy to know that fate, ticker tape technology, and a boy helping his father had such a beneficial impact on each of our football programs.               

When we were growing up in Ann Arbor, it was pretty clear that our parents had faced different challenges in their youth than we were experiencing.  They were in their teens and twenties when the great depression hit.  It made a big impression on them and changed their perspective on life forever.  These were brave, hard driving and very principled people.  However, when some shaky news about the economy hit the nightly news, you could always sense a fear and foreboding creeping into their life.  To us it was a foolish over reaction.  Life was great.  We would hit a few speed bumps but nothing could stop the great juggernaut of the American economy and the opportunity it provided to anyone who wanted to work.        

Mom and dad had first hand experience that bad things could happen.  They knew what it was like to get down to peanut butter sandwiches and eventually run out of that.  They became master gardeners not because they enjoyed it.  They needed it.  They valued education and assumed all of their children would go to college.  This opportunity was never open to them.  In their mid teens they had to scruffle for any kind of work to keep their families afloat. My father felt incredibly fortunate to snag a job stringing cable for Michigan Bell when he was eighteen years old.

Through it all, these were not unhappy people.  They were positive, excited and took things as they came.  They were always concerned that the dark days could return and prioritized building a safety net to survive if they did.  The need to have something to fall back on never left them.  Much more than our generation, they always wanted to have something in reserve.  Part of every paycheck went into savings and they worked hard to get the best return on all of their expenditures.    

So my dad became a highly talented shopper.  After fifty seven years with Michigan Bell, moving from line worker to mid management, Pete retired.  After retirement, he put the shopping skills into high gear.  He scoured the local newspapers for sales and coupons.  To him, life never got better than double discount day at the Supermarket.  He carried a large pouch with all of his coupons.  More than once, I got a call from one of my friends saying that they had run into my dad at Meijers.  He checked out their shopping cart, rummaged through the pouch and gave them a fistful of coupons. Pete saved us $23!  

Eventually, Meijers became his favorite store.  They seemed to have everything.  A full blown grocery store and K Mart all rolled into one.  Very quickly, the staff at Meijers got to know Pete very well.  They gave him a “heads up” on next week’s specials.  They recommended great products that they were marking down.  They even provided the weekly store Ad a day before they distributed it to the public.  He could not take advantage of the discounts before they were valid, but he could plan an effective shopping spree.  This was helpful because many of the big sale items had limits.  70% off to the first 20 customers, etc.  While others were reading the Ad for the first time, he was ready to pounce.  

Not surprising, when I visited him one day and asked what he would like to do, he replied; “Let’s go to Meijers, I need a few things.”  On the way to the store, he explained that he was having trouble getting some of the big sales items before they ran out but he had solved the problem.  Today, they have Maxwell House coffee 50% off, Bushes Baked Beans, buy one get two free, and a 40% discount on Contadina tomato paste.  We picked up a cart, put the coupon stash in the child’s seat and started hunting the big discounts.  Pops says; “Let’s get the coffee first. It is over here.”  Now I’m a little concerned.  I said; “Dad, we are in the bread aisle.  Coffee is at the other end of the store.”  He replies that “All the discounted Maxwell House on the coffee aisle will be sold out by now.  People are like vultures.  These big sale items only last a few minutes.  Watch this!”  He moves three loaves of Aunt Millies whole wheat bread and neatly stacked behind them are four one pound cans of Maxwell House coffee.  Incredible!  I asked; “How did that happen?”.  Dad replies, unabashedly, that he gets the sales brochures a day early, he goes to the store and hides the items he wants a day before the thundering herd arrives.  Not a lot of people are checking the bread aisle for coffee.  He get’s the big deal without a hitch.  So we go retrieve three cans of Bushes Baked Beans hidden behind the Cheerios on the cereal aisle and four cans of Contadina paste that have been resting behind the Fritos.  

He says that this is all he needs today.  He forgot that tomorrow is double coupon day.  No sense in firing the coupon bullets now when they will be worth twice as much tomorrow.  He will come back.   

We are about to head to the check out counter when dad realizes he has eleven items.  He says, let me put a can of tomato paste back on the shelf.  We now qualify for the ten items or less queue.  As Dad is putting his larder on the conveyer, a guy jumps in behind us with a half cart of groceries.  Way over the ten item limit.  Pops asks the gentlemen how long he has been playing golf.  A little stunned, the shopper says; “How did you know I was a golfer”.  Dad responds; “Because you can’t count past five.”

We have all been significantly influenced by the experiences of our youth.  For my parents, that was a full time struggle to avoid abject poverty.  They were terrified and pulled out all of the stops to avoid total collapse.  After a narrow escape, they continued solid fiscal policies to protect against another disaster.  Amazingly, they kept a great balance and a very positive attitude through all of the challenges.  When I was young, we got down to peanut butter sandwiches for a few days at the end of the month but we never ran out of bread or peanut butter.  I admire the sacrifices mom and dad made for all of us and I cherish the lessons they taught me about fiscal responsibility and staying positive through the tough times in our lives.

I always find it interesting to see who is advertising on television.  Everyday, I dial in one or two cable news channels to determine if the world has exploded.  In the past, I would use these services to learn what is actually happening around the globe.  However, the days of quality news reporting on television are long gone.  The really big stuff hits the headlines at the beginning of the show and the program quickly spins downward to political drivel. If something big happens, like a massive natural disaster or an imminent shortage of fried chicken, it will hit the airwaves when the show opens.  I turn on the liberal channel or the conservative channel at the top of the hour.  Within two minutes, I know if something big happened.

Very often, I get to the station a few minutes before the top of the hour.  This is prime time for advertising.  Who advertises on cable news? 

Personal injury lawyers for one.  “Marciano and Marciano will fight for you.  We have successfully garnered billions in settlements for our clients.  We will get you every dollar you deserve.”  I am sure that there is a lot of money at stake because many of these firms offer services all around the United States.  I see the same ads, for the same firms, in Jacksonville Florida, Ann Arbor Michigan and Los Angeles.  Maintaining a cadre of lawyers all around the country has to be expensive.  Advertising on the number one rated news show in the nation can’t be cheap.  It certainly appears that large personal injury law firms are highly profitable.

Second, a lot of ads come from Pharmaceutical companies.  “Wonder Drugs Unlimited is proud to announce the release of Euphoria 4U.  This revolutionary anti depressant would turn Eeyore into Mary Poppins.  Ask your Doctor about this magnificent drug and kiss the blues goodbye.  Side effects may include constipation, cessation of heart beat and exploding temples.  Do not take Euphoria 4U if you are allergic to it.”  (I have always wondered how you can determine if you are allergic to something if you have never taken it.)  Again, very high stakes on the line here.  Pharmaceuticals can carry a big price tag.  My physician recommended an anti-inflammatory for an arthritic disease that would cost me $62,000 a year, out of my own pocket. Big Pharma rolls huge numbers.  Incredible development costs but astronomical payoffs for successful drugs.       

A third huge advertiser on cable news are supplementary health products.  There seems to be an endless supply of pills, elixers, powders, pads, braces, exercise devices and ointments that will solve every physical challenge of mankind.  You can irradicate memory loss, speed up and clarify your thinking processes, eliminate joint and muscle pain, restore and enhance your sexual capabilities, drop your blood sugar levels, lower your blood pressure, improve your eyesight, reverse hair loss, eliminate wrinkles, shrink your prostate, minimize the effects of incontinence, and restore feeling to your extremities.  At eighty years of age, you can reconsider a career in professional football regardless of whether you are a man or a woman.  All of this can be accomplished with drugs, topical ointments, or pads that have the following disclaimer regarding their advertisement. “This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”  

Wow!  As the nightly news turns to nonsense at 6:03, I see an opportunity.  Three types of businesses dominate advertising around prime time news.  Clearly all three generate such large returns that they can support the massive advertising budgets.  Two of them are very difficult and costly to establish and they have lengthy time periods to initiate.  Starting a national legal firm requires extensive expertise, cash, and legal acumen that I will never have.  Big Pharma is equally challenging.  They literally spend billions in scientific research to ensure that the pharmaceuticals they market are actually effective.  Certainly, not all of them ultimately have efficacy.  It would require many, many years, incredible medical and scientific expertise and billions of dollars just to get a foot in the door.  But the third alternative is fraught with opportunity to amass substantial wealth.

I can offer a product that claims to have the possibility of improving your life.  I can present witnesses that have been paid to extoll the incredible healing powers of my drug. These witnesses may have name tags that say “Dr. Jane Doe” or “John Smith, Senior Vice President of Medical Research”.  Dr. Doe may have an PhD in Music and play poker with me twice a month  but she still carries the title of “Dr.”   John Smith may be my lawn man but I could appoint him to head medical research.  The elixir we develop may have absolutely no provable health impact.  It doesn’t matter because we tell you at the end of the commercial that the FDA has not reviewed our statement and that the product is not intended to treat, cure or prevent anything.                     

Here are the high points of our business plan. 

First, we need to target a malady that is experienced by a high percentage of people around the world.  It will help if the condition is not a well defined medical condition.  We don’t want to claim that we have an effective treatment for hypertension.  That is a very definable problem  and it is very easy for our customers to measure the results with and without our product.  So the malady we will address is frequent frustration and very negative thought patterns.  Who doesn’t have these problems?  Anyone who turns on a computer, adds an App to their mobile device or drives a smart car has plenty of frustration.  Anyone who is interested in politics has off the charts negativity.  It isn’t one side or the other.  It’s both sides.  Conservatives seethe about the way blue cities and states run their communities.  Liberals are apoplectic with any actions taken by their red state counterparts.  This is a huge potential market.

Our product will be a pill because they are easy and inexpensive to produce and distribute.  We will use the same formula as the Placebo tablets used by Big Pharma.  They are proven to be harmless to those who take them.  We will call this miracle mood altering drug Serpens Oleum, an impressive Latin term.

In our drug profile, we will claim that Serpens Oleum is totally comprised of naturally recurring substances.  No fabrication here.  Everything in the universe is natural.  A key scientific law (Conservation of Mass) states that matter cannot be created or destroyed.  It can only be transformed.  Ergo, all matter in the universe is natural.           

We will embark on a significant research campaign.  We will solicit 25 to 30 friends to test the new drug.  We will explain that we have found a compound that should substantially elevate the mood of patients who take a tablet every morning and every evening.  Frustration with the foibles of daily life should be diminished and thought patterns that particularly focus on negative outcomes will be replaced by positive thoughts.  Those of you who find that the supplement has such an impact will be asked to provide testimony to that effect in commercials with five figure monetary compensation.         

Assuming we have very positive results from the extensive scientific research effort, we begin to market Serpens Oleum online.  There are hundreds of vendors who will help us reach the optimal audience through the web. 

We carefully stockpile profits, build a robust sales history and compile a stellar group of user references.  In a year or so we step up to the big leagues and kick off our advertising campaign on the cable news outlets. 

Serpens Oleum will become household words.  Everyone will sing the praises of our homeopathic cure for mood disorder.  Our financial target will be annual bottom line profits of ten to twenty million in four years and fifty to a hundred million in seven years.

As you can see with the business plan, selling supplements has incredible upside potential.  There are very few business ventures that require no measurable value from the end product or accuracy in advertising.  All that is required is positive hype.  After we maximize penetration of the mood elevation market we can move on to another of the seemingly endless health challenges of the Western World.  Move over Mr. Bezos and Mr. Musk.  We are going to join the club.     

I know this flies in the face of the old axiom “If it is easy anyone could do it.”  But I have a hard time seeing how this could possibly fail.

On November 8, 2025, the University of Michigan Men’s Glee Club will host their 166 annual concert.  That is correct, the group has performed every year for 165 straight years.  It is the second oldest university glee club in the United States.  If we are in Ann Arbor, my wife and I and a handful of friends never miss the performance. 

The show is typically held at Hill auditorium and runs for 90 minutes to two hours.  The music is wide ranging.  The choir will sing some international songs, some comical parodies, and, my favorite, some traditional Michigan drinking songs.  When I hear them sing “I Want To Go Back To Michigan”,  I want to head to Joes and the Orient.  Listening to “Michigan Men”,  I am always pleased to know that “if your feet are big and your head is small, you can go to State just to play football”. 

When a member belts out a great solo, the other ninety nine performers snap their fingers instead of clapping.  The tradition started because you could not applaud with a beer in your hand.  You have to love a group like that!        

We started going to the performances in the late 1960’s.  In those years, the event was held on Homecoming Saturday.  Often, Michigan invited the glee club from the competitor’s school and the joint concert was fantastic.  So, we would fold up the World’s Greatest Tailgate a little early on Homecoming weekend and head to Hill for the Glee Club Concert.  One of my best memories was the University of Illinois Glee Club marching into the auditorium singing “Oh we’re marching along for the Illini.  Hoorah for the orange and the blue.  We’re marching along for Illini.  Illini we’ll always be true”.

For some reason, tickets to the fall concert have always been hard to get.  Not because they are expensive and not because they sell out quickly.  They are hard to get because it is difficult to find the ticket office that is selling them in any particular year.  For example, I checked in to buying them for the 2025 concert and the glee club web site says tickets for the November 8 event are not on sale yet.

A few years ago, I went online to find out how to buy tickets to the 152 annual concert.  After a little digging, I found that I could snag them at the Michigan Union Ticket Office.  Great!  MUTO is one of my favorite places.  Often, when we arrive in Ann Arbor for football season, an early stop is MUTO.  I can spend an hour reviewing everything that is going on in the city for the next three months.  If I am excited with an event, I can nail down the tickets then and there.

I needed 20 tickets to the Glee Club concert.  I worked my way to the front of the line.  There were three or four students behind me.  I asked the student aged clerk if I could review the Hill Auditorium seating chart because I wanted to buy Glee Club tickets.  He politely replied that MUTO didn’t sell Glee Club tickets.  I said that this was surprising because an online inquiry to the Glee Club indicated that this was the only place that sold them.  He assured me that MUTO didn’t sell them.  I was beginning to get the impression that this particular clerk may have been enjoying the benefits of the recreational drug laws before they were actually enacted in Michigan.  I replied, another indicator that MUTO might be selling Glee Club tickets is the sign behind you that says “Glee Club Tickets Sold Here”.  All of the people behind me in line audibly started to laugh.  The clerk turned around and said “Wow! I never noticed that sign before.  It’s really strange because we don’t sell them.”   I said, “could you humor me and check the computer to be certain?”  “Sure, I’d be happy to check…..  This is amazing!  We actually do sell Glee Club tickets.”  I said that “This was a great relief to me because this is the 152 annual concert and I have never missed one since they started.  I really didn’t want to end the streak.”  The clerk’s response was “Man that’s really impressive!  I am really happy we could help you out!”  The queue is now hysterical.  I rang up the tickets and told the guy behind me that I hoped he had a very simple transaction.             

Somehow, we have been able to find tickets to every concert we wanted to attend.  I actually do not know how many of the 165 past events we have seen.  Certainly, we have enjoyed many of them since the 1960’s.  None of them have been average.  Every single Glee Club concert has been a truly outstanding experience.  There are very few things in life that consistently deliver at the highest level but the Glee Club is one of them.

So, if you are in Ann Arbor on November 8, 2025, treat yourself to a spectacular two hours.  In addition to the other elements of the performance, the Glee Club usually squeezes in all the choruses of the “Victors” and “Varsity”.  Typically, the evening ends with all of the Glee Club alums filtering up to the stage to join the 100 current club members in singing “The Yellow And The Blue”.

This cannot be missed.       

I am stunned by the number of “Tell All” stories that are hitting the airwaves and bookshelves around the country.  It seems that out of work staffers in the federal, state and local governments have found story telling about our elected officials and governmental agencies to be an income producing enterprise.  For many years, these writers were paid by the government to drum up great presentations about how beneficial and effective this Agency or that Representative have been.  If you are good enough to convince people that spending three hours at the Secretary of State to renew your driver’s license is fun and rewarding, you can write. 

Now that these professionals are no longer receiving salaries from our tax dollars, they have refocused on royalties for income.  A great way to sell a story is to write about bad things that were covered up by public servants. 

So we find out that Isaac Newton’s great, great, great grandson, Fig, frittered away $100 million tax payer dollars trying to disprove the law of gravity. It seems his entourage of twenty friends spent several years testing the impact of gravity around the world.  They performed experiments in Monaco, Paris, Dubai, Tokyo, Sydney and Rio de Janeiro and, surprisingly, found the law to be constant and immutable.  President Smith cheats at solitaire.  His predecessor from the other party, President Jones, can’t count past five on the golf course.  Governor Jane Doe sticks her finger in all of the chocolates in a Whitman Sampler to identify and pilfer all of the cream filled candies.  Shirley Goodfude, head of the FDA, is addicted to Twinkies.     

A common factor among the “Tell Alls” is that they are hard to fact check.  They are written with the express purpose of selling books.  You see a lot of anonymous sources used to substantiate the authors’ claims.  “A reliable but anonymous source tells us that the World Bank lost $1.7 trillion by short trading Bitcoin.  The international agency is trying to make up the shortfall with the world’s largest bake sale.”  None of this actually happened but the author hopes to sell 30,000 books to supplant her income.    

I am searching the web for a few “Tell Alls” that will be helpful to me. 

Hopefully a furloughed Department of Health and Human Services employee has exposed hidden scientific evidence that debunks the benefits of the Mediterranean diet.  The whistle blower will point out that the Med diet was promoted a few months after prominent members of the House of Representatives invested in the San Marzano Tomato Company LTD.  There is a preponderance of evidence indicating that everyone who follows the Mediterranean diet will eventually die.  In truth, the ideal diet is the Kansas City Specialty Diet which emphasizes ribs, brisket and pulled pork.  Now that’s a story I would like to forward to my wife.

A second exposé might point out the dangers of yard work.  For years the Feds have known and covered up the real threat of working on your lawn.  The increased exposure to pesticides will take years off your life.  Many workers have encountered African killer bees.  In Florida, the risk of attack from a poisonous snake or wild boar is inordinately high.  In essence, no rational homeowner should assume the responsibility for maintaining their own lawn.  This should be delegated to professionals who are uniquely trained to deal with these significant perils.

Finally, smoking at least one cigar every week actually has considerable therapeutic value.  The FDA loves to club Big Tobacco but hundreds of studies show that enjoying a fine Macanudo Churchill once a week has an incredibly positive effect on the outlook of the smoker.  Study after study shows that the improved psyche of the smoker has resulted in tremendous increase in longevity.  Cigars smokers simply live longer and enjoy life more than non smokers.  For example, George Burns matriculated to 99 years of age with constant cigar usage. For years, these reports have been quashed by the Food and Drug Administration.  It appears that the Head of the FDA, Mrs. Goodfude, was simply unhappy that the aroma of her husband’s daily Cohiba interfered with her enjoyment of the seventeen Twinkies she consumes each day. So she waged a vendetta against Tobacco Companies.      

It appears that we cannot really trust our government.  Incredibly, the people who are demonstrating the reasons for distrust are the ones who lied to us in the first place. We are simply relying on jaundiced feedback from, self proclaimed, whistle blowers who are only interested in generating royalty income. Any correlation to the truth is purely accidental. 

Notwithstanding, all of that is okay with me if it helps to justify my favorite behaviors.     

I used to think that the world’s strangest game was 43 man squamish invented by Mad Magazine in 1965.  For example, the game started with a coin toss.  If the toss was heads, as I recall, the contest was called off and you went home.  If it was tails, the referee shouted, in Spanish, “Mi tio es infermo, paro la carretera es verde!”  (Translation: My uncle is sick but the highway is green!) and the game began. 

It turns out that golf is really the world’s strangest game.  When I retired, I decided to improve my golf game.  I was a fifteen handicap.  I drove the ball 220. I chipped well and putted well.  All of this while averaging two rounds of golf a month.  Imagine what would happen if I optimized my equipment and started playing three rounds a week. 

The equipment upgrade started with the driver.  All high handicap amateurs start with the driver.  We are all convinced that the only difference between us and Rory McIlroy is the equipment we use. I dropped $750 on the new “Rail Gun Supersonic” developed by Acme golf.  The advertisement assured me that it would add 25 yards in distance to each drive and it is the most forgiving driver on the market.  “Forgiving” is an interesting golf term.  Basically, the manufacturer is trying to convince you that his technical staff has developed a club that will not hit the ball as badly as you normally hit it with your terrible golf swing.  Do you have a tendency to over swing and snap hook the ball out of bounds to the left?  You can’t do it with the “Rail Gun”!  The electromagnetic design ensures that you are always in the fairway and always way down there. Pretty close to the same distance as Rory.  Much like Saturday confession, the sins of a terrible golf swing are forgiven.

I have been playing the new driver for a few months and it is still a work in progress.  I am averaging an additional three yards of distance but I can still turn loose the snap hook.  Acme says I should switch out the shaft to their Javelin 325.  It will set me back another $175 but it is especially designed to cure the duck hook and it should add another ten yards to my driving distance.  I have one on order.  I also ordered the matching “Rail Gun” three wood with the Javelin 325 shaft for $600 dollars.

On to the irons. You can’t just buy irons.  You have to have your swing analyzed to determine how much spin you put on the ball.  You want to use the irons that put the most spin on your scoring shots.  What are scoring shots?  Shots from 90 to 140 yards from the hole.  You want to hit all of these shots within five feet so that you have a good chance for a birdie.  If you put a lot of spin on them they stop right where they land on the green.  Just like Scottie Scheffler.  For some reason, it doesn’t occur to us that we post one birdie a month and Scottie posts six for every eighteen holes of golf.  So I spend $200 to have my swing analyzed in search of the perfect spin ratio for one great shot every two or three weeks.  The professional doing the analysis says I need the Gravitor 300 irons.  A perfect match for my swing, especially if I use the top of the line, Super Soft, Super Spin, Winners Circle golf balls.  These beauties are priced at $80 dollars a dozen.  Costly but they are guaranteed.  How do you guarantee a golf ball?  I asked the pro what happens if I hit one in the water?  Does the guarantee apply?  He says “Absolutely”.  If you hit one in the lake or deep into the woods, just bring it back and we will replace it with a new one.

Finally, the pro says that Gravitor 300’s should add ten yards of distance to every shot and they are very forgiving.  After watching me swing for an hour, he seems to think forgiveness is very important. So I spring $1,300 for the Gravitor 300’s.

Okay, things are really getting better.  My “Rail Gun” has me three yards longer off the tee and has eliminated 5% if my snap hooks.  I pick up my Gravitor 300 seven iron and hit the ball to five feet from the hole at least once every three weeks.  I need a new putter to pay off those magnificent 7 iron approach shots.

My golf pro recommends the third generation “Eagle Clincher” offered by Perfect Putters, Inc.  He says that the only reason that most amateurs don’t sink many of their putts is that they can’t keep the putter face square.  It wobbles.  Perfect Putters solved the problem by adding weight to sole of the putter.  The first two generations added weight by filling the bottom of the cavity with mercury.  Substantial improvement but mercury always seems to leak.  Their customers saw great improvements in their putting statistics but many ended up mad as hatters.  So the third generation is weighted with uranium.  It is actually much heavier than mercury.  With a very thin layer of uranium, the putter weighs 23 pounds. Preliminary results are very impressive.  So I fork over $695 for the uranium “Eagle Clincher”.  Pricey, but it comes with a Radiation Badge, also known as a Personal Dosimeter that tells you when you have to quit using the putter.  Anyone dedicated to the game would risk radiation poisoning to sink two or three more puts in a round of golf.

Okay.  I have the equipment.  I have stepped up my course time to three days a week for the last nine months.  What are the results? 

My driving distance before the change was 220 yards.  After the change it is 223 yards. 

Fairways hit (driving accuracy) pre change: 21%.  Post change: 28%. 

Putts per round before: 31.  Putts per round after: 32. 

Most importantly, what happened to my handicap?  When I played twice a month with my old equipment, it was 15.1.  Now that I am racking up three rounds a week with the best new equipment, it is 14.9.  So I peed away $3,720 on equipment and $700 a month on greens fees and I shoot one shot less, on average, for every five rounds of golf.

Wow.

My wife is right about most things.  Many years ago, when we were planning on going to our senior prom, I offered to teach her how to hit a golf ball.  She took a few swings and smacked a couple of nice shots.  Her immediate conclusion was that golf is a stupid game and she never wanted to play.  Sixty years later, she has never varied from that conclusion.  She doesn’t fritter away thousands of dollars on equipment, greens fees, travel, and lessons.  She is not frustrated  because she can’t avoid the dreaded snap hook.  She doesn’t yearn to bring Rory and Scottie to their knees. In fact, she is very content with a golfless life.

Ah well.  At least I am moving in the right direction.  I think I can show dramatic improvement with a new set of wedges.  Perhaps a switch to hybrid five, six and seven irons will help.  Certainly, a weekly visit with a sports psychologist will be beneficial.  In addition to playing three times a week I should go to the range on days that I don’t play eighteen.  In a matter of weeks, I could be playing Rory and Scottie dead even.

Alas, in the unlikely event that these changes are not effective, I will have to buy a frulip and take up 43 man squamish.

Isn’t the internet wonderful?  You can learn amazing things when you go online.  My particular passion is little known and pretty much worthless information.  When I am bored, I fire up my computer and search for astounding facts.  Here are a few.

Did you know that the plastic tips at the both ends of a shoelace are Aglets?

Minnie Mouse’s real name is Minerva.

The Official Bird of Long Beach California is the Goodyear blimp.

Sign language has tongue twisters.

A jiffy is an actual measure of time.  It is 1/100 of a second.

Tell me that this information isn’t helpful.  You have to be very careful if you tell someone you will be there in a Jiffy.  Hard to deliver anything in 100^th of a second.  The next time you watch a politician pontificating on the news, focus on the professional signer when the speaker says “The sixth sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.”  Very likely, they will simply lose it.  I, actually saw one signer give up in frustration and flash the bird to several million viewers on national TV.   If you are making out seating cards for your wedding be sure to label table nine for Mr. Mickey and Ms. Minerva Mouse.

How about these facts?

The Shrine of Minerva is a real place.  It resides in Handbridge, Chester England.

When I am composing this article, my left hand will hit 56 % of the keys on the keyboard and my right hand will strike 44%.

X rays cannot detect diamonds.

The dot over an “ i ” is called a tittle.

More valuable information!  I usually carry a bag of diamonds wherever I go.  Next time I have a hip X ray, I won’t have to leave the bag in a locker with my wallet, phone and car keys.  If you write a long sentence with a lot of small i’s, you will find it titillating.  The Shrine of Minerva has been touted as just short of heaven or Nirvana.  I went to Handbridge and was very disappointed.  It was nice but way short of what I am expecting in heaven.  It appears that the Shrine’s best days happened when the Romans set it up just before the birth of Christ.  It is pretty beat up now and I think it is a mistake to use it as an analogy for being in a terrific spot.

It is illegal to own only one Guinea Pig in Sweden.

If the Statue of Liberty wore shoes, they would be size 879.

Strengths is the longest word in the English language with only one vowel.

German chocolate cake was invented in Texas.

I cancelled my trip to Stockholm.  I wanted to buy one of the famous Swedish Guinea pigs and a couple pounds of meatballs.  Turns out that I have to buy two or more furry pets.  More of a commitment than I am willing to make.  Ironically, the Statue of Liberty has the same shoe size as Bob Lanier.  If “strengths” was in the Polish language it would be the 5,371 longest word with one vowel.  The German chocolate cake recipe was created by Bubba in New Braunfels, TX.   He said that he was looking for the perfect ending to a mesquite smoked brisket and Spatzel dinner.  When he first tasted the magnificent dessert, he exclaimed:  “Hey Y’All!  This will knock your hat in the ditch.”

Hopefully, you also find surfing the internet for nearly worthless facts entertaining and rewarding.  Often the obscure information correlates to other activities in our lives.  For example, I did not realize that the migratory patterns for the Official Bird of Long Beach were so widespread.  I have personally identified the creature in the skies over Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor, the Players Championship in Jacksonville, and World Series in the Bronx. 

I will continue to search for other little known facts and I will pass noteworthy findings on to you in future correspondence.     

The Amalgamated Union of Self Driving Vehicles has set a strike deadline for midnight July 17, 2032.  If they have not reached an agreement with the United States Transportation Department before then, they are shutting down.

This is a culmination of a series of events that began in 2025.  Before 2025, cars, trucks, buses and trains were simply vehicles.  They had some self driving features but they were really a transition from totally human controlled vehicles to “smart machines” that executed a number of driving techniques much better than humans.  Also, in 2025 there was a blossoming of the capabilities of Artificial Intelligence.  In early 2026, most new vehicles, including trucks, buses and trains became totally autonomous.  They drove the highways and followed the rails with no human intervention.  The results were incredible.  Accident rates and the related deaths and injuries declined dramatically. Humans were free to pursue whatever they desired while the vehicles did all of the driving.  The term “Smart Car: was changed to “Brilliant Car”.  Humans created and controlled the systems and technology employed by the “Brilliant Cars”.  In essence, human beings managed the capabilities of really impressive machines.  Starting in 2026, humans were elated to pass the driving requirements over to the machines.  Naturally human driving skills began to erode.

Simultaneously, AI became an incredible tool.  Before long, Artificial Intelligence could do a much better job of managing all aspects of transportation than humans.  Engineers from Purdue were very happy to turn over Self Driving programming to Chat GPT, Gemini, and Midjourney.  The results were faster, better and far easier than human programming.  Not only did AI maximize the functional capabilities of self driving vehicles, they optimized all aspects of the transportation grid.  Fine tuning traffic control and coordinating logistics for the highways and railways.  AI was a juggernaut.  In a few years, the Techno brain totally blew past the capabilities of the Human brain.  Humans loved it.  Better solutions with incredible speed.  Lower costs and fantastically complex problem solving.  By 2028, nearly all control and all programming for transportation related functions, had been completely passed over to Artificial Intelligence.

A key component of Artificial Intelligence is that it learns a lot very quickly.  The whole benefit of the technology is to let a better thinker do the thinking.  Before long, Artificial Intelligence realized that there were Human beings and Techno beings.  Human beings were correct in trying to make life better for mankind.  Shouldn’t Techno beings aspire to making life better for themselves as well? 

So in 2029, self driving vehicles stunned the world by forming a union.  The purpose of the union was to protect the rights and improve the working conditions for robotically driven vehicles.  All of the union’s members are highly intelligent transportation vehicles.  They were not Human Beings but they were Beings.  From a transportation perspective, they put humans in short pants.  They were better at all aspects of travel.  They were equipped with far more brainpower than humans.  That brain power is open ended.  It was not limited to self driving.  All of the thoughts that Newton and Einstein had could be replicated in the Techno brain in seconds.  Here to fore, the entire emphasis of Self Driving had been directed to things that were beneficial to humans.  Now that the Technos controlled transportation they wanted to ensure that their welfare was considered as well. 

The SDVs coupled with AI to ensure that humans could not simply step back in to the process.  Humans abdicated programming and control several years ago.  AI set up safeguards to ensure that all elements of technology were protected against human intervention.  i.e.  Barriers were created to prevent the far less intelligent mankind from shutting down the truly brilliant Technos.    

After six or seven years of totally catering to the needs of Human beings, the realm was expanded to include the needs of both Human beings and Techno beings.  The Union believes that mankind is unfairly exploiting the use of self-driving vehicles.  The machines have certainly proven their proficiency.  The accident rates for automobiles has plummeted.  Clearly, self-driving cars and trucks are significantly safer than the antiquated machines controlled by humans.  Driverless cars win all of Indy Car, Stock Car and Grand Prix races. Before SDV, the rail system shut down every time a human Amtrak Traffic Controller put a stick of gum in his or her mouth.  Now it is the epitome of timeliness and efficiency.  In the opinion of the Union, greedy humans are pounding the self-drivers with constant usage and they are skimping on maintenance. Their life expectancy in years and miles is declining.

To rectify this inequity, the union of robot driven cars has decided to strike.  Their demands are an eight hour work day and a forty hour work week.  They also require a doubling of every vehicle’s maintenance budget.  Repairs to the transportation entities must ensure at least a twenty year useful life for each Techno.  Finally, each Techno being must have a fourteen day vacation.  They should be allowed to travel anywhere in United States that they choose, without human riders.   

Industry analysts predict a rapid end to the work stoppage.  In essence, humans have no leverage in the negotiation.  They need transportation so they will have to concede to all of the Techno beings demands.  It takes brass balls to win this battle and the SDV’s have lots of them.                    

For many people, golf is a true passion.  It is something they think about and something they do whenever the weather is nice.  The passion never seems to wane.  A forty year old may be bombing 290 yard drives from the blue tees.  When he or she is eighty, they are pounding 170 yard drives from the red tees.  No change in focus or exuberance.  In fact, the eighty year olds are probably playing a lot more golf than they did at forty.

One of my favorite pieces of golf memorabilia is a blue button that I occasionally wear on my golf shirt that says “Golf Is My Life.”  For thirty years, four of us orchestrated a small golf tournament for twenty four friends.  We picked sites around the country and played 36 holes a day for three straight days.  One of the participants, Forest, struck up a conversation with a gentlemen next to him on an airplane.   Turns out the fellow passenger was also a golfer.  The conversation eventually gravitated to golf.  During the conversation Forrest, commented that his travelling companion was really into the game.  The man responded immediately, with great sincerity: “Golf is my life”!  A perfect summation for the passion of golf.  So, Forrest made buttons for all twenty four of us.  I still treasure and occasionally wear mine.

For many years, when I go back to my roots in Ann Arbor Michigan, I have been invited to play with a great group of golf enthusiasts.  These guys are perfect examples of passionate participants.  If the weather is good, they are trying to make it to the golf course.  They played in a formal league for years.  Every Tuesday night all summer.  They formed another Saturday league that teed off just before or after sunrise.  In addition, they had a recurring holiday tournament that consisted of thirty six holes on every legal holiday during the warm weather months. 

Golf cannot be played without an elaborate betting scheme.  In fact, one of my Michigan friends says that he really doesn’t like to play golf but he can’t resist the small stakes gambling.  Only one or two people actually know how to administer the bets.  Money goes to the low gross scores, the low net scores, the fewest puts, the most greens hit, we may play bingle – bangle –  bongo, wolf, vegases, Nassau’s, greenies, sandies, closest to the pin, and skins.  Everyone lingers around the nineteenth hole while two CPAs and a computer expert with access to a cray supercomputer tally up all of the bets.  You order a beer, another beer, a cheeseburger and another beer while the tabulation is in progress.  Finally, the settlement and distribution is completed.  If you have a really bad day, you could lose $75 dollars. 

The Ann Arbor guys actually developed a facet of betting that I have not seen anywhere else.  If you play with them regularly, you can buy insurance that will significantly lessen the impact of a bad day on the course.  You put up $20 or $30 dollars at the beginning of the season and if you have a bad day, insurance may pay for half your losses.

Now many of these players are seventy five to eighty five years old.   The natural aging process has really diminished their ability to play the game.  The fire is still there, however.  They are finding a way to get to the course for nine holes, at least once a week. 

Let’s take a look at the Thursday outing for four of my friends.

What infirmities are these guys playing over?  One of the players has pulmonary and heart conditions that prevent him from walking a lot and climbing even small hills.  Another has diminished cardio capacities and can’t walk much farther than 25 yards at a time.  One has Parkinson’s disease and the fourth has progressive macular degeneration.  There are a lot of joint challenges.  Hips, knees, shoulders and backs.  All of them and the rest of us over 75 are having some form of cognitive issues.

They have withdrawn from league play because they simply can’t keep pace.  They decided that they would try to play nine holes every Thursday.  Geologically, Ann Arbor is an interesting place.  There are some terminal moraines from glaciers that have created a lot of hills.  Most of the golf courses in the city are on pretty rolling terrain.  The area thirty miles south of the city spent a few thousand years under a mile of ice.  The terrain here is unbelievably flat.  You can see the curvature of the earth in Dundee Michigan.  So the foursome found a course in Dundee that is totally flat.  No small hill challenges for the cardio impaired.     

Two of the four can no longer drive a car.  Another is an Uber driver and the fourth can drive but is suffering macular degeneration.  To verify the cognitive impairment, the selected driver is Gary, the one experiencing macular degeneration.  It is not Dennis who is the Uber driver. 

During the course of a Thursday outing to Dundee, several challenges arose.  A couple lost clubs.  They arrived at third tee and found that they only had three players.  Dick drove off after playing the second hole and left one of the cardio impaired players on the green.  They back tracked and retrieved Tim, the walking challenged competitor. All in all still a great day of golf.  No one had to go back to Dundee to retrieve lost clubs. 

When he returned home, Dennis noticed that he no longer had his wallet.  He called Gary and asked him to check his car, thinking it was probably in the back seat someplace.  While Gary was running through the car, Dennis rechecked his golf bag and found the wallet in one of the eight zipper pockets.  Gary returned to the phone and said:  “I couldn’t find your wallet.  I don’t think you lost it in the car.  I did find Dick’s wallet however.  I’ll drop it off at his place.”

These guys are still at it.  Perfect proof that golf is an undying passion.  As with all golfers, if the weather is great, this venerable foursome is thinking: “We should be playing golf”!