Believability Consultant

So many things have changed in modern America.  It is wonderful.  Technology and revolutionary social values have opened a myriad of possibilities for new, interesting, and lucrative careers. 

The internet, infinitesimal computer speeds, and artificial intelligence have made it possible for someone to run a billion dollar company with less than five employees.  You simply pass as many of the business functions as possible to your customers and outsource a few to a handful of “pay per transaction” Apps.  If you have something that is in vogue on the internet, your biggest job is sweeping your cash accounts at the end of the day.

The key change in social mores is the total lack of importance of truth and fact.  A recent study asked a thousand Americans what is most important in their lives. Only seven of the thousand listed truth or veracity.  The highest ranking of the seven responses had it listed as thirty second, just behind “a clean birdcage” and “easy opening sardine containers”. 

So society has shifted. Truth is not at all important but “Believability” is.  You have to be believable but you don’t have to be truthful. 

“Your resume indicates that you have an MBA from Wharton but the school cannot verify that you ever attended Penn.”  “Wharton is wrong.  I received that degree in 1978 before computerization of student records.  I assure you that I have the degree.  GPA in the top ten percent.  They are digging through the archives and we will update you when they find the documents.”  This is believable.  Say it five times and it is established fact.

Some people are much better at fabricating plausible explanations than others.  I happen to be very good at it.  As a result, I have embarked on a career as a Believability Consultant.  I am charging clients $300 an hour to do things like this.

A CEO called me and said he was taking heat about executive bonuses in his publicly traded company. Some thought the Initial Public Offering was a rouse simply targeted to lining the pockets of the founder with the IPO proceeds.  “Your company has not shown a profit since it went public five years ago, yet you have paid maximum bonuses to you and three senior officers for each of those years.  All three are siblings.  Is this appropriate and ethical?”  My believable response was, “Absolutely! We are in a highly competitive business.  I need to have people I can rely on making key decisions.  I don’t know anyone better than my immediate family.  So I appointed them to the senior officer roles.  Do we deserve the bonuses?  Certainly!  It is much more difficult to run a struggling enterprise than a profitable enterprise.  Without the leadership and effort of the four of us, we may have been facing bankruptcy.  The bonuses were earned by well targeted strategies and hard work.”  My consulting paid off this time.  A year later the IPO money ran out.  The company filed for bankruptcy and the family was able to keep, without protest, more than $100 million in aggregated bonuses.     

Another client had this challenge.  “Senator, why is that you have gold bars stitched into your overcoat?”  My believable response was, “As you know, I am on the National Parks Committee in the US Senate.  To do the best possible job, I frequently visit many of these fine facilities.  Several years ago, I toured Mount Washington in New Hampshire.  This is the windiest location on the planet.  They have recorded winds in excess of 230 mile per hour.  I changed my diet and put on thirty pounds before the visit.  Notwithstanding, I took the additional precaution of adding weight to my outer wear to prevent being blown off the mountain.  Of course one of the heaviest materials, by volume, is gold.  I actually considered uranium which is notably heavier but the Atomic Energy Commission vetoed my request for the element.  The overcoat worked perfectly.  In spite of sub hurricane force winds, I am here to talk with you today.  Since the garment was so effective, I keep it in my closet for future visits to wind prone areas.”  Bloviate that six or seven times and it becomes gospel.   

A young executive retained me to respond to an inquiry from her boss about possible sexual misconduct.  “Did you have a romantic trist with your administrative assistant?” “No!” “Why did you spend the weekend with him at the Ritz?” “NatGeo wanted my opinion on their new series ‘Aardvarks on Parade’.  I always live up to my subscriber responsibilities.  I got behind in my viewership and reviews.  So I asked Marvin to sit with me and take notes while I binge watched 14 episodes. It was a lot of work in one weekend.”

In 2024, no one worries about veracity or facts.  They just don’t count.  All that matters is a plausible explanation.  For many, it is hard to come up with a solution.  Some of us are incredibly gifted at crafting believable scenarios.  Who will ever forget “That depends on what the definition of is is.”  Fortunately for my consulting practice, many are not gifted in the ways of believability.  So they hire me.     

I will tell you that my Believability Consulting practice has been wildly successful.  This statement may be true or false.  It doesn’t matter, however, because it is believable and I have reported it to more than five people.