I was reminiscing the other day about the great Flip Wilson.  In the sixties and seventies he hosted a classic variety show on network TV.  As I remembered, he was the absolute master of the “shaggy dog” story.  Long involved stories that would run for many minutes and culminate in a real groaner punch line.  This was perfect humor for me. 

I had not actually viewed one of Flip’s performances in more than forty years so I thought my memories may be aggrandized and inaccurate.

Through the wonders of modern home entertainment, I did a search for Flip Wilson and found that an obscure “oldies” streaming service carried the original Flip Wilson show.  I dialed in the first episode. As it turns out my recollections underestimated the length and depth of Flip’s story telling.  He opened his first show with two hilarious Flip Wilson Stories.  One even included Geraldine.  They ran on forever.  It took more than fourteen minutes to tell two jokes.  The stories were hilarious and they ended with the worst pun like punch lines.  This was even better than I had remembered.

So I thought I would share a few Flip Wilson Stories with you.  These are not jokes actually told by the great comedian.  Relaying the two jokes he told in Season One, Episode One would require a hundred page post.  These are jokes that I have always categorized as Flip Wilson Stories.  If told properly, the people hearing the jokes may believe that they are actually real events until you pop them with the punchline.

Story One.

Rene Descartes spent many years developing his philosophies in Vienna.  He spent hours in the coffee houses extrapolating complex theories with a number of other great thinkers in the city. 

Overtime, he and Wolfgang Schmidt became great friends.  Wolfgang’s day job was training the, world renown, Lippizan Stallions.

One day, Wolfgang was running a horse through his paces when Rene burst into the stables.  Rene said, “Wolfgang! I haven’t slept in three days!  I believe that I have developed a proof for an amazing theory about humanity.  I believe I have all of the elements in place to prove that we can validate our existence simply because of our cognitive capabilities.  I call it ‘I think, therefore I am’.  You need to run through the proof with me.  It’s revolutionary!”  

“Wow!  That’s terrific Rene.  I really should put more time in with this stallion before tonight’s performance.  However, I don’t want you to lose these valuable thoughts.  Let’s get some coffee and chocolate and run through the entire theory.”  

“Thank you Wolfgang.  I really appreciate it.”  Little did Wolfgang know that he was already part of a significant human event. 

This was the first recorded incident of a man putting Descartes before the horse.

Story Two.

A man owned a dog that was overly protective.  The dog was congenial with his family, the clan, but was constantly nipping at anyone who visited his home.  He tried all of the classic techniques to stop the animal from biting but had no success.  Finally, he retained a dog whisperer. 

The trainer said that one simple change would break the biting habit.  The owner needed to give his pet piano lessons.  If given instructions on how to play classical music the dog would stop chewing on his guests.  The trainer said, “I know this sounds ridiculous but, in my opinion, it is probably the only cure for the problem and it has been successful with other clients.”

So the owner googled “Animal piano teachers specializing in canines and classical music.”  There were eighteen within five miles of his house.  He sent an email to the first instructor on the list and made an appointment for the following Monday.  After an hour lesson the instructor said that Fido was off to a great start.  If the owner wanted to continue the lessons, give him another call.

The owner returned home and tested Fido.  He put the dog on the front porch.  The mailman came by and the dog didn’t budge.  Amazon dropped off three big boxes, Fido never got off the welcome mat. He ordered a pizza from dominos and DoorDash from the Chop House.  The dog could care less.

The owner was overjoyed and extended the lessons, indefinitely.  Every Monday at 3:00 PM he spent an hour cleaning up his emails while his dog continued the classical music lessons.  Fido never nipped at anyone starting with the first lesson. 

Finally, after eleven months, the owner decided that, with all of these lessons, he should ask his friends over to listen to Fido play the classics.  He rented a concert size Steinway piano.  He retained the Ritz Carleton to cater the event and he invited twelve close friends over for the performance.

As it turns out, Fido was a terrible pianist.  Friends started to leave after a few minutes.  The longest one stayed for eleven minutes.  Nine months of continuous lessons and the music was unbearable. The next day the owner called the piano instructor and cancelled the lessons. 

It was very clear that Fido’s Bach was worse than his bite.   

Story Three (perhaps the world’s shortest Flip Wilson Story)

I just read an interesting story about David Copperfield.

Early in his career he used a lot of white rats in his tricks.  He bought some from a pharmaceutical company and found them to be very agitated and skittish.  It turns out that the critters had been used in heroin addiction experiments.  David was very sensitive to the welfare of the animals he used in his show, so he very patiently withdrew all of the rodents from their addictions.

As it turns out, he was the first magician, ever, to pull a habit out of a rat.

So Flip was the greatest.  I encourage you to dial in his old shows.  His verbal and physical comedy is incredible.  He will start on a Flip Wilson Story.  As the plot unfolds, he will bring in Reverend Leroy from the Church of What’s Happening Now or Geraldine or somebody else.  There will be five to ten great belly laughs before he gets to the pathetic punchline.  You will wonder why you paid close attention for so long to hear the pitiful ending. 

Then you will sit on the edge of your chair and hope for another one.