Some professions are a little sensitive to criticism.  Gourmet chefs never want to hear you say that the Beef Wellington is simply “okay”.  That comment can win you a quick trip out the front door with a ramekin of au jus on your head.  Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like a pancake, never tell a Sumo wrestler that they seem to be a little chubby.  Strangely, one of the more sensitive groups of professionals are road commissioners.  In general, they feel they are always being maligned.  One pot hole, or a slow response to a 24 inch snow storm and they are besieged with complaints.  If the city’s streets are not flawless, they hear about it. They have developed the perfect revenge to these grievances.  It is called “Road Construction”.  

In fact every year the National Association of City, State and County Road Commissioners hold an annual convention where they honor the programs that have been most effective in sticking it to the whiny drivers in their jurisdictions.  The conference is called “Designing Exceptional Travel On Unfinished Roads” or “DETOUR”. 

Here are some highlights on the 2024 convention.

During the keynote address, the President, pointed out that the Granddaddy of all “settling the score” projects was the Big Dig.  This massive construction project was orchestrated by the Massachusetts Highway Department.    It hit all of the important points.  The budgeted cost was $2.8 billion.  The actual cost was $8.1 billion.  The project was targeted to finish in five years.  It took fifteen years and then required extensive reworking because the design and materials were flawed.  In essence, the citizens of Boston could get around the city faster by rickshaw than by automobile for a full fifteen years.  Very likely, no road commission construction project will ever rival the performance of the City of Boston and State of Massachusetts. 

Notwithstanding, there are several outstanding performances in 2023 that have earned recognition with the coveted “DETOUR” award.    

These road construction efforts rival the spirit of the Big Dig if not the financial impact.

The first DETOUR award goes to the road commissioner in Dayton Ohio.

Traffic patterns in Dayton are far less complex than most major American cities.  They don’t have the labyrinth of freeways that we see in Atlanta or the traffic volumes.  In fact, they simply have I-75 running through the middle of the city.  Notwithstanding, they can post world class traffic delays.  The City road commissioner, Hugo Slow, has really taken advantage of the attributes Dayton has to inflict pain on motorists.  Geographically, Dayton is a hard city to bypass.  Travelers from Michigan, western Ohio and eastern Indiana are tempted to cruise down I-75 as they head to vacations in the South.  They make it to Dayton and they are trapped.  Hugo has been a master at timing the road construction to maximize the discomfort.  With modern construction techniques, a lot of road work in Dayton could take place in the winter season.  However, Mr. Slow times nearly all the construction to the summer months when leisure travel is at its peak. 

How effective has Dayton been in creating havoc?

My most recent drive through the city flared up a red line on my GPS system with instructions to leave the freeway for an alternative route.  The lines all turned red on the alternative path and it ultimately took an hour and twenty six minutes to traverse eight miles through this Garden spot in Ohio.  Needless to say, I spent much of that time thinking about the performance of Hugo Slow, the longtime Dayton Road Commissioner.

These delays are not new to Dayton.  Since 1974, I have been travelling from Ann Arbor Michigan to Jacksonville Florida three or four times each year.  Without exaggeration, I-75 has been under constant construction in Dayton Ohio for the entire fifty year stretch. 

The second DETOUR Trophy is awarded to Jacksonville Florida.

Jacksonville has a number of outstanding opportunities to show complexity in their highway systems.  Two major Interstates intersect in the city.  A massive river flows through the town and makes at least four major turns as it works its way to the Atlantic Ocean.  There are only seven bridges over the St. John’s and they are all significant edifices. Finally, the population of the city is exploding putting a lot of pressure on highway systems that worked well for 800,000 people but not so well for 1,500,000.  Jacksonville is a critical gateway into Florida.  Tourists driving to the theme parks in Orlando from the east coast of the United States pass through Jacksonville.  In addition, tourists seeking the offerings of Tampa, St. Pete and the west coast of the state also traverse the city.

So Jacksonville offers a lot of angst for motorists without any intervention from the road commission.  Nevertheless, the Duval County Road Commissioner, Seymour Klosures, has been masterful in enhancing the frustration of driving through this fine city.  There is a very critical intersection of two interstates in Jacksonville.  The eastern terminus of I-10 intersects with I-95 right at the St. Johns River and pretty much right downtown in the city.   Three of the seven bridges over the river are woven in to this intersection.

First, the commissioner has ensured continuous road construction at this juncture for more than thirty years.  He has been brilliant in changing traffic patterns, eliminating lanes and adding lanes randomly and unannounced.   

Second the signage for the traffic patterns is terrible.  Even lifelong residents of the city frequently find themselves being routed off I-95 and I-10 onto strange and obscure roads.  After a week or so when a driver begins to understand the new patterns, commissioner Klosures changes them.

You can easily blow an hour or two trying to traverse Jacksonville during spring break.  Kudos to commissioner Seymour Klosures.

Finally, we have a lifetime achievement award for Ann Arbor Michigan

For years, the Washtenaw County Road Commission and the city of Ann Arbor have teamed up to make it very challenging for citizens and visitors to navigate this Michigan city.  Ann Arbor is a small community but they have a long history of impairing the ability of their citizens to drive around the town.  The obstacles have been very creative and very effective.  

For example, the University of Michigan hosts seven or eight football games in the Big House every season.  110,000 people flock to Ann Arbor for each of those events.  Every year, since 1952, the road commission has managed to initiate a significant construction project on, at least, one of the four main arteries to the stadium.  We talked with the current Washtenaw County Road Commissioner, Hugh Otto Staeholme, about the 2020 project.  According to Mr. Staeholme, the record evacuation time for exiting stadium occurred after the 1956 Ohio State game.  Primarily because of a blizzard, it took 3 ½ hours to travel two miles from the stadium to I-94.  Ever since, the road commission has focused on projects targeted to breaking that record.  “I thought we had it in the bag in 2020.” Said Staeholme.  “We narrowed Main Street, then a four lane road, down to two lanes with an urgent curb cleaning project.  Orange barrels for two full miles from the stadium to downtown.  This would have worked and then we were hit with a Covid outbreak.  No fans in the stadium and no highway backups.  Phooey!”

Ann Arbor holds the national record for the highest number of simultaneous detours.  Last fall, I was stopped at Hill Street and State Street.  The road commission had posted routing signs for five different Detours.  Arrows pointed in all possible directions.  One for the South Bound State Detour, one for the North Bound State Detour, one for East Bound Packard, one for South Bound Fourth and a final one for East Bound Williams.

In 2019, Ann Arbor won the award for being the most potholed city in the world.  They barely edged out Beirut and Port Au Prince Haiti.  Ann Arbor has always been pot hole challenged.  A lot of the potholes are bad.  Potential axle breakers.  Some are big enough to eat small cars.  I passed one on Traver Road that had two people rock climbing out of it.  So while you are negotiating all of the other traffic challenges in Ann Arbor you constantly have to be evaluating the danger threat of the next hundred feet of potholes.  All artfully designed by Hugh Otto Staeholme.

Finally, the road commissioner and city officials devised a plan to further frustrate citizens and visitors.  They converted five or six streets to one lane roads by adding massive bike lanes and parking lanes on each side of the road.  Although only one lane is available to cars and trucks, the streets remain two way streets.  You have to be thinking about the road commissioner when you back up two hundred feet to the first available driveway in order to let a car coming from the opposite direction pass.

So clearly, Ann Arbor deserves this life time achievement award.  They have consistently focused on maximizing the frustration of drivers in their city for many, many years.  Their schemes have been brilliant and effective. 

DETOUR 2024 was another huge success.  The hard work and ingenuity of the all of America’s road commissioners was on full display.  There were hundreds of examples of the thin skinned City, County and State officials striking back at whiny citizens. 

Always remember, if you complain about the job they are doing, you will see the dreaded Road Construction signs.  Perhaps for years on end.