We just purchased a new automobile.  For our family, that is a notable event.  We tend to find a vehicle that we like and keep it for a long time.  Depending upon our changing transportation needs, we have owned a diverse array of vehicles.  We drove conversion vans when we toted our daughter’s forensic team around the country, one ton pick ups when we lived on a 30 acre ranch, sports cars just for fun, big SUVs and small SUVs.  After we sold the farm and moved back to the city we have a small SUV and a 2005 Mustang GT Convertible.  Who knows how long I will drive the Mustang.  18 years may seem like a long time for some people but I had a 1973 Cougar Convertible for 42 years.

Our 2011 small SUV died.  It owed us nothing.  We drove it for 190,000 miles and really enjoyed the automobile.  So we bought the new version of the same car.  We hope this will be a great car as well but something has changed dramatically in the last thirteen years.  Automobile technology.               

The additional technology that comes with the new model is staggering.  Ninety percent of the Owner’s Manual is directed to Smart Car features.  The manual is bigger than the most recent version of the Encyclopedia Britannica and much more poorly organized.  So I spent the first six hours of ownership pouring through the manual to determine which of the 3,473 technology features I intended to use. 

What peaked my interest?  Seat and mirror adjustments, climate control, auto bright light control, road contouring headlight tracking, red light time remaining sensor, back up camera settings, seat massage settings, altitude warning levels, fast food preferences, music choices, navigation preferences, driver assist options, parking assist, trailer back up assist, stuck in the snow assist, fog and dust storm assist, and 17 state toll lane access, to name a few. 

A spectacular feature that overrides all of the others is facial recognition capability.   A high tech digital camera recognizes the unique facial features of the person seated in the driver’s seat.  When it positively identifies the driver, it adjusts all of the Smart Car settings to the selections that unique driver has chosen in the Settings Menu. 

The car is equipped with a Siri like Avatar called Gracie.  I made 25 or 30 selections from the Smart Car Menu’s and asked Gracie to activate the facial recognition software.  Gracie responded that she was turning on facial recognition and from now on she would refer to this unique driver as “George”.  When facial recognition was complete, Gracie commented  “Why George, you are really quite attractive!  Do you smoke cigars?  Why don’t you let me select the ashtray setting instead of the coin holder option for that small compartment in the console?” 

So Gracie and I began careening through life as new found Smart Car operators.  Every day, after facial recognition, Gracie would warmly welcome me to the auto.  “Good morning George!  How about a fast trip to McDonald’s for a large black coffee?”  After a few weeks, I was making my way to Atlanta.  Gracie interrupts a classic rhythm and blues tune, (Ray Charles singing Old Man River) on the Sirius Classic Soul station, with the following suggestion.  “George, I have noticed that you keep your hands at 10 O’Clock and 2 O’Clock on the steering wheel.  Clearly, you were paying attention in that 1963 Driver’s Ed class.   Why don’t you move them to 11 and 1 and we can get there an hour earlier?”

Gremlins started to creep in to the Smart Car driving experience. I found a parallel parking space in front of a Merchant that I wanted to visit.  I pulled just past the open space and asked “Gracie, will you please park the car?” 

“Oh George, I don’t like this parking space.  It’s a little tight for me and the license plate of the car in front of you shows that it is owned by an Ohio State fan. I’ll find a better spot.”  She drives around for fifteen minutes and finds a nice angle parking space two miles from our original space.  “George, isn’t this better?”  I reply “Yes but it’s going to take me a while to get back with the four Pizzas I ordered.  We are running late and the four mile round trip on foot isn’t going to help keep them warm.”  “Well if you’re not happy with this one, I have another just a half mile farther out.  Besides, your current health biometrics and recent weight gain indicate that you really should walk at least that far if you plan on eating Pizza.”

A few months later, the facial recognition software started acting strangely.  I closed the door and Gracie said, “Well, welcome back Mary Lou Retton!  Are we headed to the Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs?  Navigation shows it to be 1,857 miles. Turn left at the second traffic light.”  The Smart Car then activated all of Mary Lou’s settings.  After removing the steering wheel from my spleen I was able to, manually, reset the seat adjustment in a few short minutes.  My limp only lasted a few days.  In addition to Mary Lou, I have been welcomed to the vehicle as Rasputin. The navigation system automatically routed me to the nearest ABC Liquor store and recommended several nice Russian Vodkas available at that location.  Surprisingly, the Mad Monk is a huge Sinatra fan.  His two top Sirius choices were the Sinatra channel and the Forties Junction.  The most interesting misidentification occurred when face recognition positively identified me as the fifth ranked international terrorist on the FBI’s most wanted list.  The algorithms automatically send a silent alarm to the Feds.  Surprising how quickly they can react in these circumstances.  Thirty five minutes later I was having very interesting discussions with eleven of the finest law enforcement professionals in the country.  I was amazed at how they could land Black Hawk helicopters in front of me and behind me on a narrow two lane road.     

I was listening to the Jazz station one day and the Dave Brubeck Quartet started playing “Take Five”.  A little bit of heaven.  Gracie interrupted with an interesting fact.  “George, did you know that Dave Brubeck has a full head of hair but his piano is a Baldwin?”  “You don’t say?”  I was tempted to fire up a cigar and try out the ashtray setting of the coin holder.

Eventually, I started turning off more and more Smart Car features.  The problem was that it was taking me longer and longer to get where I wanted to go.  I would end up at the Raw Bar instead of Walmart.  For a few weeks, Gracie was under the impression that I wanted navigation to take me through the scenic routes.  My 33 minute drive to Orange Park Florida routed me through the Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina.  I know how to parallel park and back up a trailer.  I drove a Semi for three years in college.  I could certainly gauge which parking spots were accessible and which were not.  In addition, I was still having the sporadic miscues of facial recognition.  Surprisingly, Gracie never mistook me for George Clooney.

Gracie was not happy when I cut back on the selected features.  I got a letter from Geico saying that they had revoked my preferred driver status.  My small SUV had informed them that I regularly drive nine miles over the speed limit and don’t use many of the Driver Assist tools.  Gracie ratted me out and it was going to cost several hundred dollars each year in increased insurance premiums.

So I gravitated back to the 2005 Mustang.  Now there is a piece of equipment.  If you want to start the car, you have to insert a key and turn it.  You adjust the seat and mirrors.  You want to know the outside temperature?  Too bad.  This is a car not a weather station.  If you are cold, you select one of two vent settings and manually turn the hot and cold throttle to the comfort range you want.  If it is dark, you need to turn the lights on.  It doesn’t have an “auto” setting that turns them on when it is dark.  You have less than five comfort choices and you control each of them.  It can be done totally accurately in less than twenty seconds.  No voice control issues.  No “Gracie, set the heat to 73 degrees.”  “Okay George, I am getting directions to Sweet Peas.”  If you don’t know where you are going that’s your problem.  The Mustang will get you there quickly, with Panache, but the directions are your responsibility.  You want to go fast?  Hit the gas pedal and it will go as fast as you would ever care to go.  You get to control the music.  The car is equipped a high end sound system that includes a six disc cd player.  I may be the last person in Florida who has a thousand cd’s.  But I can listen to exactly what I want for more than five straight hours.    

The Mustang and I have a great relationship.  It is a car and I am a driver.  I’m not a slave to Ford’s technology.  I am not sitting in a portable social media pod.  I am driving from Point A to Point B and the Mustang will make sure I enjoy the trip.

There is a lot of talk about doing away with fossil fuel.  I hope that this does not occur any time soon.  I want to continue driving my 2005 Mustang GT Convertible every day until one of us has to quit.