I used to think that the world’s strangest game was 43 man squamish invented by Mad Magazine in 1965. For example, the game started with a coin toss. If the toss was heads, as I recall, the contest was called off and you went home. If it was tails, the referee shouted, in Spanish, “Mi tio es infermo, paro la carretera es verde!” (Translation: My uncle is sick but the highway is green!) and the game began.
It turns out that golf is really the world’s strangest game. When I retired, I decided to improve my golf game. I was a fifteen handicap. I drove the ball 220. I chipped well and putted well. All of this while averaging two rounds of golf a month. Imagine what would happen if I optimized my equipment and started playing three rounds a week.
The equipment upgrade started with the driver. All high handicap amateurs start with the driver. We are all convinced that the only difference between us and Rory McIlroy is the equipment we use. I dropped $750 on the new “Rail Gun Supersonic” developed by Acme golf. The advertisement assured me that it would add 25 yards in distance to each drive and it is the most forgiving driver on the market. “Forgiving” is an interesting golf term. Basically, the manufacturer is trying to convince you that his technical staff has developed a club that will not hit the ball as badly as you normally hit it with your terrible golf swing. Do you have a tendency to over swing and snap hook the ball out of bounds to the left? You can’t do it with the “Rail Gun”! The electromagnetic design ensures that you are always in the fairway and always way down there. Pretty close to the same distance as Rory. Much like Saturday confession, the sins of a terrible golf swing are forgiven.
I have been playing the new driver for a few months and it is still a work in progress. I am averaging an additional three yards of distance but I can still turn loose the snap hook. Acme says I should switch out the shaft to their Javelin 325. It will set me back another $175 but it is especially designed to cure the duck hook and it should add another ten yards to my driving distance. I have one on order. I also ordered the matching “Rail Gun” three wood with the Javelin 325 shaft for $600 dollars.
On to the irons. You can’t just buy irons. You have to have your swing analyzed to determine how much spin you put on the ball. You want to use the irons that put the most spin on your scoring shots. What are scoring shots? Shots from 90 to 140 yards from the hole. You want to hit all of these shots within five feet so that you have a good chance for a birdie. If you put a lot of spin on them they stop right where they land on the green. Just like Scottie Scheffler. For some reason, it doesn’t occur to us that we post one birdie a month and Scottie posts six for every eighteen holes of golf. So I spend $200 to have my swing analyzed in search of the perfect spin ratio for one great shot every two or three weeks. The professional doing the analysis says I need the Gravitor 300 irons. A perfect match for my swing, especially if I use the top of the line, Super Soft, Super Spin, Winners Circle golf balls. These beauties are priced at $80 dollars a dozen. Costly but they are guaranteed. How do you guarantee a golf ball? I asked the pro what happens if I hit one in the water? Does the guarantee apply? He says “Absolutely”. If you hit one in the lake or deep into the woods, just bring it back and we will replace it with a new one.
Finally, the pro says that Gravitor 300’s should add ten yards of distance to every shot and they are very forgiving. After watching me swing for an hour, he seems to think forgiveness is very important. So I spring $1,300 for the Gravitor 300’s.
Okay, things are really getting better. My “Rail Gun” has me three yards longer off the tee and has eliminated 5% if my snap hooks. I pick up my Gravitor 300 seven iron and hit the ball to five feet from the hole at least once every three weeks. I need a new putter to pay off those magnificent 7 iron approach shots.
My golf pro recommends the third generation “Eagle Clincher” offered by Perfect Putters, Inc. He says that the only reason that most amateurs don’t sink many of their putts is that they can’t keep the putter face square. It wobbles. Perfect Putters solved the problem by adding weight to sole of the putter. The first two generations added weight by filling the bottom of the cavity with mercury. Substantial improvement but mercury always seems to leak. Their customers saw great improvements in their putting statistics but many ended up mad as hatters. So the third generation is weighted with uranium. It is actually much heavier than mercury. With a very thin layer of uranium, the putter weighs 23 pounds. Preliminary results are very impressive. So I fork over $695 for the uranium “Eagle Clincher”. Pricey, but it comes with a Radiation Badge, also known as a Personal Dosimeter that tells you when you have to quit using the putter. Anyone dedicated to the game would risk radiation poisoning to sink two or three more puts in a round of golf.
Okay. I have the equipment. I have stepped up my course time to three days a week for the last nine months. What are the results?
My driving distance before the change was 220 yards. After the change it is 223 yards.
Fairways hit (driving accuracy) pre change: 21%. Post change: 28%.
Putts per round before: 31. Putts per round after: 32.
Most importantly, what happened to my handicap? When I played twice a month with my old equipment, it was 15.1. Now that I am racking up three rounds a week with the best new equipment, it is 14.9. So I peed away $3,720 on equipment and $700 a month on greens fees and I shoot one shot less, on average, for every five rounds of golf.
Wow.
My wife is right about most things. Many years ago, when we were planning on going to our senior prom, I offered to teach her how to hit a golf ball. She took a few swings and smacked a couple of nice shots. Her immediate conclusion was that golf is a stupid game and she never wanted to play. Sixty years later, she has never varied from that conclusion. She doesn’t fritter away thousands of dollars on equipment, greens fees, travel, and lessons. She is not frustrated because she can’t avoid the dreaded snap hook. She doesn’t yearn to bring Rory and Scottie to their knees. In fact, she is very content with a golfless life.
Ah well. At least I am moving in the right direction. I think I can show dramatic improvement with a new set of wedges. Perhaps a switch to hybrid five, six and seven irons will help. Certainly, a weekly visit with a sports psychologist will be beneficial. In addition to playing three times a week I should go to the range on days that I don’t play eighteen. In a matter of weeks, I could be playing Rory and Scottie dead even.
Alas, in the unlikely event that these changes are not effective, I will have to buy a frulip and take up 43 man squamish.